To think that this midwife was unnecessarily harsh?

[mmmgoats]

Short summary: Friend is pregnant after some losses previously. Suffers anxiety as well, worse when she's pregnant. Been TTC, period was late, took four tests over a few days and all negative [early response and others] - not even a squinter.
We went on a pre-planned girls break to a spa for two nights - wine, sauna, hot tub, a couple of cocktails.

She comes back, a week later period still not arrived so did a test. She's pregnant. Super excited but also panicking because it puts her at about 6 weeks and a couple of days when we were away.

She went to her first midwife appointment this week and told her about her anxiety, losses etc and then told her about the spa break and how she's beside herself thinking she might have done harm to the baby.
Midwife was quite abrupt and just said 'well the damage is done now isn't it? No point in worrying about it'

I know the midwife can't say everything will be fine, of course she can't, but it's sent my friend into an utter anxiety spiral, she is so low and now convinced that it means she definitely did damage from the couple of days at the spa.

AIBU to think the midwife could have framed this a bit nicer or had a bit more compassion? After seeing my friend today I am so cross on her behalf, she's so so worried :(

Yy I thought that anxiety was normal and just came with being pregnant. So I put up with it for years. (ie it is normal/many people suffer from anxiety during pregnancy, but you don't have to go on living on a knife edge. There is help out there.)

@checkingforballoons thank you for sharing.
And to everyone else who has posted sharing their similar drinking/hot tub/all the unadvised things by accident stories.

It probably seems like I'm taking it really personally even though it didn't happen to me, but I can remember so vividly how stressed I got about things, and that was with a nice midwife! I think seeing all these posts will really help.

Agree @notverygrownup until I came across MN I hadn't even realised that it was recognised as something during pregnancy - I'd felt like I was going a bit mad.

Slightly different note, but I hope she's mentioned her anxiety to the midwife? It can spiral quickly, and she may benefit from seeing someone specialised in perinatal mental health to help her manage it as the pregnancy progresses.

The damage is done is a common phrase but so wrong in this context! Your poor friend! As other said, there will be no 'damage' FAS or it's subtypes are caused by prolonged repeated exposure to alcohol, or repeated binge drinking episodes. While you can't turn the clock back, there is little chance it will impact anything and the baby will, I hope, be okay. Big hugs to your friend! And remind her 50% of pregnancies are unplanned (and therefore probably exposed to drugs/alcohol etc), but 50% of babies born don't have FAS!

God she sounds horrible!

I had something similar, missed period, POS = BFN, went on hen do, got shitfaced! Loved every minute! Still no period, POS a week later BFP! Would have had to be pregnant at the hen do. I mentioned it to the midwife at booking and she said "I wouldn't worry, it's actually very common!"

Can she complain?!

I was a smokier (not really ever been a drinker - and my OH was a smoker too) before I found out I was pregnant at 16 weeks. Had been told I'd got PCOS and hadn't been on birth control for a while as there seemed to be no need. Obviously gave up the day I found out.

No damage whatsoever and DD's just started a 4 year Integrated Masters degree so I don't think it's held her back 😂 Stupid, insensitive midwife.

Ooof, re-reading my post it sounds like a terrible stealth boast about DD. Wasn't meant to be, just to show I don't think she's cognitively lacking in any way, except perhaps an excess of stubbornness 😬

I found out I was pregnant when I was 10 weeks had my birthday,holiday,Christmas and new year and I did not hold back! Baby is completely fine and I barely suffered in my pregnancy x x x sending love to your friend

I know someone who was out on the lash at least every weekend until she found out she was pregnant at 20 weeks. The kid’s absolutely fine now.

Loads of women drink before they realise they are pregnant. It's extremely common. I did and several of my friends. We all had healthy babies. Please tell your friend not to worry.

That midwife was deliberately spiteful. She should give up her job if she can't act in a more constructive manner to worried mothers to be.

@chocolatechipmuffin2016 yes might be worth her looking into it.

I have sent her the link to this thread so I'm hoping all the stories that people have shared will make her feel better.

As someone else said, better to find out early that some MWs and also health visitors can be bitches...

I know it doesn’t matter if you have the odd binge early on but what IS important very early is taking folic acid. Is she/has she been doing that?

@pickleup yes I think so as she has been trying to conceive for several months

My post birth midwife was a total bitch, it does make you wonder why they do the job in the first place.

Midwife sounds awful, I had 2 miscarriages so we decided to take ds to Disney Paris for his birthday as we were all fed up, because of my messed up cycle I had no idea I was around 6 weeks pregnant. I went on all the rides and for good measure cos we were flying from Heathrow we went to legoland too. I was terrified DS2 is now sat on my knee a teething 16 month old. Hopefully the hospital will see her notes when she has a scan and book extra ones in, mine did I was seen for a scan every 6 weeks due to previous miscarriages and it was so reassuring x

I was told by a GP not to worry in early weeks because of yolk sac. A quick google suggests that this is true for the first 3 or 4 weeks after fertilisation but not beyond so actually whether or not she is right about dates might be significant.

The hot tub thing I was told was because more germs and infections live at the warm temperatures so she would be more likley to get an infection. I would assume that if she is fine she didn't get an infection. However personally I would push her for a GPs opinion. An early scan might help but its not going to confirm the baby is not affected as too early to tell much. If the pregnancy is not dated as she thought this may put her mind at ease though.

The midwife should have worded it differently.

also sorry if i sound like i think she should worry Clearly the chances are very low that she did any harm!

agree that you wonder why some people join these caring professions when they just dont seem to care about people!

I lost two pregnancies where I did everything 'right'.

My dd was born after a pregnancy where I didn't get a BFP until my period was almost 2 weeks late, not even a squinter, so had been drinking, eating blue cheese, going in hot tubs and saunas etc.

My mum didn't realise she was pg with me until over 5 months gone and did all that and worse and I'm obviously here to type the tale!

How dare she say something so damaging to someone with acute anxiety. Stupid stupid woman. And at such a very early stage she’ll have done no damage. Blimey, me and my OH we’re partying like it was going out of fashion until 4 days before we found out I was preggers with DS2. I was horrified when I realised and was worrying what damage there might be. Fortunately all was well and we have a happy healthy boisterous 4 yo

Not sure we should be discussing someone else's business? Regardless whether she's ok with it, it's stirring up unrest and if your friend is so anxious, this thread won't help.
Throwaway midwife comment - they are very overworked people and an easy target for people like you to spread maliciousness.

are you sure she didn't say 'what's done is done' rather than 'the damage is done' That sounds far more likely

What an unkind and unneccasary thing to say !
So many of us have been in this situation of doing something we wouldn’t have done had we known.
I remember my first pregnancy. I was on a girls weekend and didn’t know I pregnant then when it was confirmed I was so worried. I had a lovely GP who said to me. « ‘you will do more harm worrying for the next 8 months so relax and stop worrying ‘«
I am sorry you have met an unkind midwife, try not to let it worry you. I can assure you most midwifes and doctors would not have said this to you

Tell her to get rid of that MW and try a different one.

I didn't know i was pregnant with my 1st.

In the 1st 6 weeks I:
Went out drinking on 2 epic Xmas do's - vast amounts of alcohol consumed and some impressive hangovers.
Took 2 x 7 day course of antibiotics for an infected tooth- followed by invasive dental treatment.
Took 3 weeks of malaria tablets.
Took far too many travel tablets - I thought it was due to the long distance traveling we were doing that i was so tired & sick.
Flew to India & back - plus internal flights.
Went on an elephant ride.
Ate street food in India - and drank some interesting things too.

And probably number of other things too!

Luckly DS is 7 now and find.

My midwife had me panicking about all the above- she said don't worry, at this stage baby will only take what it needs from mum and very little else will pass though. It happens to many people who don't realise they are pregnant. It will be fine.
Prob not 100% true but i felt better about it.

I hope some of the positive stories people can give on here will help her.

Wells she sounds a bitch! It's not like she was doing crystal meth, she was on a spa break.New midwife?

The thing is, as a midwife, it’s also up to her to check that the woman has understood what she wanted to say and not something else.
If you have a very anxious woman in front of you, you don’t say ‘whatever is done is done’ because it suppose that some damage might have happened. And it’s very clear that it’s the only thing the woman will hear.
But you can say ‘it highly unlikely that you having fun for two days will have done any ill effect on the baby’.
You can reassure her.