To think that this midwife was unnecessarily harsh?

[mmmgoats]

Short summary: Friend is pregnant after some losses previously. Suffers anxiety as well, worse when she's pregnant. Been TTC, period was late, took four tests over a few days and all negative [early response and others] - not even a squinter.
We went on a pre-planned girls break to a spa for two nights - wine, sauna, hot tub, a couple of cocktails.

She comes back, a week later period still not arrived so did a test. She's pregnant. Super excited but also panicking because it puts her at about 6 weeks and a couple of days when we were away.

She went to her first midwife appointment this week and told her about her anxiety, losses etc and then told her about the spa break and how she's beside herself thinking she might have done harm to the baby.
Midwife was quite abrupt and just said 'well the damage is done now isn't it? No point in worrying about it'

I know the midwife can't say everything will be fine, of course she can't, but it's sent my friend into an utter anxiety spiral, she is so low and now convinced that it means she definitely did damage from the couple of days at the spa.

AIBU to think the midwife could have framed this a bit nicer or had a bit more compassion? After seeing my friend today I am so cross on her behalf, she's so so worried :(

I caught for my first while on holiday in Ibiza partying and drinking copious amounts of alcohol every day/night for 2 weeks (caught in 1st 2 days). Told my Dr once pregnancy confirmed and he just said oh well you must cut back for next 8+ months first child was huge, very healthy and I was well over 30 when I caught

With hindsight I got absolutely hammered at around two weeks pregnant. I worried all the way through my pregnancy.

However, the midwifes attitude was appalling. I'd consider a formal complaint.

Agree that the midwife is awful but what has happened has happened and your friend must not lose perspective.
At six weeks she should not have any reasons to worry about the spa and drinks etc. Most people are at least a couple of months before they even realise that they as pregnant.
Try and help her to take care of herself now and that worrying and stressing is far more damaging than a few drinks.

Very anxious people can be in a conversation in their own head, fixated on one thing & latch on to something (in this case “damage”) that confirms their anxiety. This ignores everything else that was said & the tone & intent behind the communication.
How long was the conversation? Was this phrase the only thing the midwife said? Regardless, it’s a bit extreme to change midwife based on this one interaction. I got off to a bad start with my midwife, sending my blood pressure sky high (first & only time it hasn’t been low!), but after that we established a great & supportive relationship & I wouldn’t have changed her.
The eight weeks advice isn’t true - folic acid helps prevent neural tube defects during the early weeks, but your friend had a negative test before & acted accordingly. There are a lot of uncertainties in pregnancy & with a newborn & no-one can provide absolute reassurance of any of it! Unless this is just early pregnancy hormones, your friend may benefit from CBT or other support with her anxiety so she can have the happiest, healthiest experience possible.
On a personal level, I too had a lot to drink the night at a celebration the night before finding out I was pregnant. I stopped drinking, using hot tub etc when I found out & went on to have a very healthy baby.
Congratulations to your friend!

Midwife was lack in compassion and empathy. It's more common that you would think amongst midwives, who have to deal with brutal life and death stuff on a daily basis, they can become hardened to the more touchy feely stuff that was clearly required here. I say that as a midwife btw. She needed reassurance and some sympathy, it's a shame she didn't get it from that midwife...mw's like her are in the minority luckily!

There are people out there who’ve carried on drinking and smoking heavily throughout their pregnancies, and there have been links to various problems as a result. Those people are why these ‘no alcohol, no blue cheese, no fun’ rules spouted by midwives who don’t know each pregnant woman that well....tell your friend to try some yoga to relax and not to worry

How insane is it that everyone panics about drinking a few glasses if wine before they knew they were pregnant? Where does this overblown fear come from?

She didn't know she was pregnant and carried on as if she wasn't. That was a normal thing to do! I bet that's the case for more pregnancies than those where the mum knows from day one!

The poor girl should certainly not have been spoken to like that! I get so mad when I hear of Health Careers who are so lacking in care and concern. If she weren't a decent person she wouldn't have expressed her worries to the Midwife. I really think it is the Midwife's job to support her. Of course she can't say that the booze did the baby good, but she can equally say that she is not alone, many mums don't know they have become pregnant and had a drink in the early weeks and that she will keep an eye on her and it is really best not to worry. After all, she is doing everything right now.
I know it is nota scientific example, but the previous generation drank and smoked all through pregnancy according to my mother and I really don't remember any disabled children or hearing of miscarriages when I was a young!

I'm glad you are her friend, you can hold her hand (metaphorically -probably!) and jolly her along. I also believe in having an old-fashioned moan and letting off steam about people like the sodding Midwife. Puts you/her back in control.

There’s a book called Expecting Better by Emily Oster - she sorts through the actual evidence on stuff like alcohol and caffeine. Not every midwife knows everything - you sound lovely trying to help friend. Hope it works out.

Just remembered! My first pregnancy - I didn't know about no alcohol! I didn't drink much but still had a drink when I felt like it. Also ate God knows what! All the things with living nasties in them! Just didn't know and neither did anyone then! Again, I didn't hear of more miscarriages or unhealthy babies back then. In other words, it's not worth worrying! Just look ahead and relax!

I was out drinking each weekend as I was not ttc, had a test when my period was 2 weeks late. My GP was notoriously abrupt and even she just said, don't do that anymore but an odd glass of wine or1/2 a pint will be fine if you really fancy a drink. Other warning was about raw eggs/mayonnaise and she was a lot more forceful about avoiding those!
DD is now 26 and a mum of 2 - both pregnancies were unplanned. First time she conceived she was at University living the student lifestyle, 2nd time had absolutely no symptoms and was 24 weeks pregnant when she found out, she wasn't drinking heavily but was having a couple of glasses of wine at least each week. Both times she was told by her midwife that it was important what she did now she was aware she was pregnant. There was no censure, just reassurance but I know she was worried especilly with dgs2 as she had been drinking for longer. Both boys are fine - happy, healthy and growing like weeds. Both have met all their developmental milestones, as did dd.

Another book recommendation: Bumpology by Jill Geddes. Aims to bust lots of myths and old wives tales with proper evidence-based science. I was anxious and found it generally very reassuring (and helpful antidote to MWs and HVs with antediluvian attitudes).

I was unaware of DD's presence til I was 9 weeks pregnant. I drank a lot, smoked (tobacco and cannabis), also used MDMA, ketamine and cocaine. The midwife didn't judge, she just gently reminded me not to do any of that shit anymore and gave her opinion that it probably wouldn't have any damage at that early stage.

DD is 11 now, she's fine. Above average intelligence, kind and empathetic, musically talented.

There's no need for a midwife to make such a harsh comment.

Op, i found out ay 27 weeks
The things i did in that time would make people faint, think heavy partying, drink and drugs, massive carnival rides that have 4 to 5 g of force types, heavy lifting, festivals, my diet was eat every other day when i eventually got hungry

Dd was born healthy, no issues at all.
The midwife was nasty cow to your friend. Not even i copped comments like that

I can imagine a midwife saying "there's no point worrying about it now" or something similar and I'd bet that's what happened.
Obsessing over it kinda says there's more going on so your friend definitely needs to talk to someone about the way she's feeling which really haslittle to do with a midwife's probably offhand comment.

Damage drinking in preganancy is mainly 2nd trimester.

First trimester - if you go nuts you’re more likely to lose it - but generally you’ll be fine because it is a very standard process.

2nd trimester is developmental.

3rd trimester is fattening. Moderate Drinking might lower birth weight - but not so drastic for development

When I was pregnant with second baby I was bleeding heaving at 4 months mil took me to her local gp surgery and the midwife there said “well every woman has at least one miscarriage,get over it”
Ambulance to hospital at dr’s request,I was still pregnant but had lost my daughters twin.Ive never forgotten that bitches words and my daughter is now 20,I’ve never told her about her twin but she often used to say she felt she had another brother😢😢😢

Bloody madwives!!

I don’t it’s offensive at all.

It’s the truth! Worrying won’t help. What does she want the midwife to do it about it?
Ps - I have anxiety and trouble conceiving so I know how cautious you can feel.

Until the placenta forms at 8 weeks, the baby is sustained by the yolk sac and therefore nothing should affect the baby!

I believe it’s the bodies way of protecting the baby until we find out!

Your friends midwife is a bitch! Get a new one and I hope she has a great pregnancy this time!

lizabells the placenta doesn't form at exactly 8 weeks, there's a window of time when the placenta is forming.

As this thread had shown plenty of women have done things that they might not otherwise have done had they realised and gone on to have healthy children.

Congratulations to your friend, I hope her pregnancy goes smoothly.

Absolutely shocking for a midwife to be such an unprofessional cow!
Please reassure your friend that plenty of women, including me , did crazy shit not knowing they were early stages pregnant, and everything turned out just fine.
It's what she does now that counts. Send her our congratulations 💐.

Congratulations to your friend. I’m sorry the midwife upset her. It’s a very unthoughtful thing to say.
My sister didn’t know she was pregnant. We had a night in at hers with friends where we were on tequila shots all night and hammered! My nephew was born absolutely fine. And me, id just been told I would need assistance to conceive. Was waiting for the consultants letter to come through and after a few years of ttc and never drinking I had a few bottles of wine with friends and some cocktails as well as a few drinks at home one week. Found out I was 6 weeks pregnant the following week. And my son was and is absolutely fine.

I should imagine she was trying to say "what's done is done", but I'm sure that all your friend heard was the word "damage".

That's what I thought. It's a fairly common turn of phrase, akin to "no use crying over spilt milk".

Unfortunate in the circumstances though. Sounds like your friend would be better off with a new midwife.