To want the names of my dad's children on his gravestone?

[onedayatatime73]

My darling father - now passed away - has 4 children. I would like our names on the headstone. The stone mason says this is highly unusual. Is it?

Are you in the UK? It's really not a common thing where I live

Yup in the U.K. and spent a lot of time in graveyards mooching around and reading inscriptions in the midlands whilst my older sibling researched their a level project.

If its a C of E graveyard then the stone mason will have to send all the details of type of stone, design and wording to the priest of that church for approval before starting work. You could check with the priest yourself first and if he/she agrees then go for it. As mentioned above, just because one church approves a particular design doesn't mean they all will, most have their own policies, for example they might only approve a local type of stone.

I am sorry for your loss op .

I go to the cemetery often, less so now than 10 years ago. It helps. It isn't that unusual and it certainly isn't crass.

I’m in the UK and it’s perfectly normal in my experience.

It is common to name wives and children in a memorial or obituary notice. Not on the actual gravestone! For one thing relatives are often added to the grave later.

It didn't occur to me it was crass!? How bizarre. More that the stone mason thought it was unusual and I wondered if it was an unacceptable break from tradition. Yes siblings are keen.

So sorry for your loss. I loss my Dad nearly two years ago and my Dad was single so I sorted out his headstone.
Slightly off topic but please please please double/triple check everything regarding the headstone!! I had a truly horrible and upsetting time because I asked for a cremation headstone and somehow my stonemason sold me a stone that was too big for the church yard and the church accidentally signed off the permit. The stonemason treated me so badly, they didn’t care less and refused to sort out a new stone until the church compensated them. It dragged on for about two months while all sides aregued the toss. In the end, my credit card company agreed to a refund under section 75 and that finally gave the stonemason a kick up the arse to resolve the issue. On top of grieving, it was the last thing I needed. PM me if you need any more advice on what to check xx

You and your siblings all agree so do it.
Sorry for your loss.

Stone mason cost a lot of money, you pay them to engrave whatever you want.

I think it would be lovely to have father of names of children

Times changes

Sorry for your loss. Hope you’re okay.

If this is for a C of E churchyard, the stonemason certainly doesn’t engrave whatever you want. Every aspect of my father’s stone (size, shape, illustration, style and colour of lettering) had to be approved by the vicar. The stonemason should know what's acceptable locally but it’s certainly not a case of anything goes.

I'm surprised the stonemason commented because it's more money for him.
There isn't a rule about this. You should do whatever you want to.

Our names are on our parents' headstones.
My mother requested it before she died and
I find it really comforting.
Certainly not crass!

We have this on a family member's gravestone .... mainly I think because deceased was single & no children, and died unexpectedly young, so it's worded "son of X&Y, sister of A&B, aunt of C, D&E".

I think it's lovely ..... the only word or warning is how much physical space it takes up. To the extent that when "Y" then died, it literally just says "and above Y" (and dates). There'll just about be room for "and X" and dates.

So, although original wording is lovely and all agreed with, it has meant the wording for each of the three for that plot will be disproportionate in length. But we all knew that, indeed X was quite insistent on the original wording.

Go with whatever works for your family.

My friend died aged 23, his headstone says something like ‘loving father of X and brother of Y’

Sorry for your loss

I've never seen that on a gravestone before, but if you think it's something your father would have liked then I'd go ahead and do it.

It is a personal choice and decision.

If you all agree, then why ever not? Why should those who loved him most not say so, or why should he not be credited as being the father to his beloved children?

If all siblings and your Mum / any surviving partner agree then your decision is of no impact or business of anyone else! (as long as it is in line wit the cemetery's protocol).

OP do check what the churchyard/graveyard allows. Check your siblings are happy with their names on it. Here lies x, married to y and beloved father of a, b, c, d. But it is expensive and very lengthy!

I’ve certainly seen Beloved husband of X and father of Y and Z.

Anyway, the main purpose of headstones is to provide comfort for the bereaved IMO. So the only important opinion is yours and the other family members’. As long as it’s not something that will upset or offend other visitors to the graveyard then why would it matter?

Sorry for your loss OP.
Why would you want something usual?
Have what you and your siblings want. That is the important thing.
Some people know the expense of everything, but sadly the value of nothing.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

There are rules surrounding wording on gravestones for different churchyards/parishes.
When my grandparents died the vicar didn't like the wording chosen for the headstones (nothing out of the ordinary) but she didn't think it was in keeping with other stones and would become 'out of date'  It was taken further and we were allowed our preferred wording in the end.

There is a beautiful Victorian graveyard near me which is full of mentions like this on the headstones although I think that's because sadly they are family graves and the different generations all share the same plot.
It wouldn't occur to me that it's a strange request, though. If it's legal, do it.
Sorry for your loss

Thank you everyone. Yes my siblings are keen and I was just taken aback when the stone mason said it was unusual. I wasn't trying to be quirky or break with tradition but it's something we would all like. (Certainly didn't occur to me it would be "crass"!)

It's definitely not crass, such a rude comment. As long as you are all comfortable and it fits in with the rules of the cemetery go with what you want.