To want the names of my dad's children on his gravestone?

[onedayatatime73]

My darling father - now passed away - has 4 children. I would like our names on the headstone. The stone mason says this is highly unusual. Is it?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Yes, generally it's only the names of the person or persons buried beneath the stone that would go on the stone. It would be very odd to list the bereaved there. Are you thinking of the death notice?

It's not something you normally see, it's more usual to see something like 'beloved father'. Names are usually listed in notices etc. Perhaps look around the churchyard for examples that the family like.

In what way? 'Beloved father of X, X, X and X' ? Not unusual at all, it does work out very expensive though.

Yes, it is. Names of the relatives generally go in an obituary. The only names on the headstones are those of the people buried in the grave.

I’m sorry for your loss.

So what if it is. I love to walk through grave yards (if I happen upon one) and I read the headstones, i don't think children's names are common but you do get all sorts of messages on them. Go for it! Start a new trend.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I would say that's unusual, yes. The headstone usually contains the names of the deceased, people would assume you were all there.

Why do you want your name on the headstone?

It would be very unusual to list the names of his children. It would be more likely to say John Smith beloved husband, father and grandfather.

Naming individuals not in the grave would be a bit strange imo, and as you pay be the letter also potentially expensive

There again if it is what you all want then no harm in doing it.

I had reason to search through hundreds of headstones in a graveyard and came across quite a few “beloved husband of X, father of x” type lines.

I wouldn’t think it’s that odd. And so what if it is? Does it matter to anyone else?

You would normally add more names only when they join him there. That's why you see children's names on parents gravestones - child mortality used to be so much higher, there are several very sad examples in a churchyard I visit frequently. Or if they all died together.

I hope you and your siblings find a wording you can all agree on.

I always read headstones if a walk takes me through a cemetery. I can’t say how often it’s done, but I have seen plenty of “X, father of A, B, C” type lettering.

I've seen it a few times, but it is rare. Apparently it's a bit popular in the US, I've certainly seen it in North Carolina and Washington. Looks a bit crass to me :(

UK 19thC and early 20thC headstones more often have kids names - because the kids are buried there.

Unusual but certainly not unknown or odd - if you want it then why not?

Who cares if it's unusual, if you, your siblings (and if still here your mother or his wife) all agree then go for it. Who cares what other people think of it. Life is too short for that and the deceased won't complain. It sounds like you had a loving relationship.

“Beloved father to Jane, Chris and Anna” is normal

Very unusual, unless his children are buried in the same plot with him, which obviously doesn't apply here. I can't understand why you'd want your name on his headstone, it's his grave, let him have it to himself. If I added all the things I deeply love to my headstone it'd be quite the list: Kids' names, pets' names, mum's name, husbands name, a link to mumsnet, a KFC menu, parkrun, Ferrero roche, and a tribute to Blackadder "Here lies SomeKnobend, and she's bloody annoyed"!

Me and my brother are mentioned on my Dad’s. Never occurred to any of us it was odd. Lots near him have their children in too

Do all those saying it's highly unusual ever look at headstones? I've seen loads saying "Father of X and Y". It may not be the done thing anymore, but it's certainly not something you never see.

It is unusual. Is it a graveyard owned by a church? Different areas have different rules and guidelines. The stone mason would need to check the guidelines as to what is allowed. But if it's allowed, and you want it, then surely it doesn't matter how unusual it is.

@SpoonBlender you can fuck right off with your crassness 🤬

My sister’s and my names, and our children’s names are on my mum’s headstone, it’s a deeply personal thing, and fortunately I think
These days people are more likely to do what they feel is right for them rather than “the done thing”

Just because it is unusual doesnt mean you shouldnt. Who the hell cares?!

Frankly as long as what you are putting isnt direspectful then I dont see why anyone would have an issue with it.

I spend loads of time in graveyards all over the place, and I can tell you it is not really uncommon.
If it is something you'd like, and had have liked, why not?

My friend's father's tombstomb says "loving father of Jack, John & Jayne" - not their real names.

I personally wouldn't want my own name on a headstone until I'm dead and buried but it does happen. You would all have to want it though, do all four of you?

Not typical, but I can't see why it would be a problem. I think it's a lovely testimony to how close you felt to him that you want your names - what parent wouldn't love to know that?

So sorry for your loss

Not usual at all.

My Nana's has my grandfather's name on it because he was cremated (quite a sudden death) and my Nana wished it hadn't been.

It states her name and dates and then has, "also in memory of" and my grandfather's name.

One thing to consider is will anyone else be interred in that plot? Will you have room to add their names if they are?