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Original poster

To want the names of my dad's children on his gravestone?

96 replies

onedayatatime73 · 29/10/2018 12:37

My darling father - now passed away - has 4 children. I would like our names on the headstone. The stone mason says this is highly unusual. Is it?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 29/10/2018 13:02

It's probably not the norm because it's expensive.

themartinipolice · 29/10/2018 13:04

There are a few headstones like this in my local cemetery.

I don't think it really matters if it's unusual, if it's important to you then I would do it.

Sorry for your loss and hope you get something sorted Flowers

dingdongdigeridoo · 29/10/2018 13:04

Crass? Mumsnet is bloody weird sometimes.

I’ve definitely seen it on older graves. I used to like reading the inscriptions at our local cemetery and there were many ‘beloved father to X’ type inscriptions.

Doubletrouble99 · 29/10/2018 13:05

My brother's headstone has his wife, mine and my other brothers names on it. He was only 30 and his wife has remarried and gone on to have children so no one else will be buried in the plot or added to the headstone.

AllSouls · 29/10/2018 13:06

Usually only if the children are also buried in the same plot (or dead and interred elsewhere.) I'd be very surprised to see the names of living children on a headstone.

Also, if some or all of you, or indeed your mother or father's surviving spouse (if not your mother) may be buried in the same grave, you will want to leave room for those names on the stone.

londonista · 29/10/2018 13:07

OP, if you and your siblings want to do it, you do it.

If it gives you even a moment of comfort when you visit the grave, then who are we or anyone to say it's "unusual" or "crass"... (wtf??)

Soontobe60 · 29/10/2018 13:09

It doesn't matter about the cost, or what others would do, or whether someone else thinks it's crass; he's your dad, and you do what you think is right for your family. We didn't put our names in my dads headstone because there was no room as he was buried with his mother and grandparents so he was added to the headstone.
I personally wouldn't have the different things people have on graves these days, like plastic flowers, windmills, teddies and so on. But I don't believe I have any right in expecting others to think the same way as me. My dads grave is surrounded by all manner of decorated graves, it's nice to see people being remembered however they choose.

LiquoricePickle · 29/10/2018 13:10

I find the response to the person who though it was crass far more crass then the original comment. You're allowed to think it's right for you and she's allowed to think it's crass. That's how opinions work.

Personally, it's not for me, unless I join them in that grave, but if it's right for you and your siblings them go ahead and do it. It's such a personal thing - some people want angels, some want quotes, some want pictures, and you'd like the names of the people who were so important to your father. The grave headstone is mostly for the mourners anyway, so have what gives you peace.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

SoyDora · 29/10/2018 13:10

It’s not ‘usual’ in that more don’t have it than do, but if that’s what you want and it will give you some comfort then go for it. There are no rules.
I’m sorry for your loss.

Fink · 29/10/2018 13:10

I work in a church. The only ones I can remember seeing with relatives' names are where they are also buried there. Otherwise it's very common to have 'loving husband and father', 'beloved father' etc. but not with the names of the spouse or children.

Still, no reason why you shouldn't have it if you and all the other relevant people (your siblings, his spouse etc.) agree. It's not really the stonemason's business to comment on how unusual something is, unless his/her opinion has been sought. Is there a disagreement with the other children?

LuckyDiamond · 29/10/2018 13:12

It’s not up to the stonemason, it’s up to you, the client.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/10/2018 13:18

I’m very sorry to hear about your Father 💐

Have what YOU want 🌷

It’s not at all ‘unusual’ anyway, but even if it was, so what? It’s YOUR Dad’s headstone.

Long boring story, but I’ve looked at a LOT of graveyards and headstones, there are FAR more usual things than the very usual inclusion of family members names.

One of my favourites was a family joke on the back of the headstone and another which had ‘Shut the bloody gate’ along the bottom bit of the headstone.

I think it’s nice to personalise it.

onalongsabbatical · 29/10/2018 13:19

Here's one. Show it to him, prove it's a 'thing'. Sorry for your loss, OP.

To want the names of my dad's children on his gravestone?
ciderhouserules · 29/10/2018 13:20

Spoonbender - you think it's 'crass'? How dare you comment like that about a memorial to someone's loved one? Angry

OP - I love walking round graveyards, and I love to see headstones with a bit of a 'story' to them. I do it, and fuck the likes of Spoonbender right off.

KittensAndCake · 29/10/2018 13:21

Beloved father to Jane, Chris and Anna” is normal

Are you in the UK? It's really not a common thing where I live.
As others have said it's usually 'beloved Husband, Father & Grandfather' or if the children are dead too then 'Beloved Father to Chris and Anna, who died ......'

Mitzimaybe · 29/10/2018 13:21

As long as all your siblings are happy with it then go for it.

WarlocksAreLocks · 29/10/2018 13:21

My dad did this, put beloved mother of x y and z on my mums gravestone.

I'm absolutely appalled by it and I hate that my name is on someone else's grave.
He didn't ask or tell us he was doing it. I would have objected. I was a young adult at the time and I'm a middle aged adult now, my feelings haven't changed.

53rdWay · 29/10/2018 13:22

Really not unusual to see “here lies A, beloved wife of B, loving mother of C, D and E” inscriptions on older stones. I don’t see why you would assume that meant B, C, D and E were buried there either because that’s usually indicated on the inscription: “final resting place of A; also B, his wife; also their son C” etc.

Possibly less common for modern graves which is why the mason commented? Really your call, though.

EdwardScissorskills · 29/10/2018 13:23

I am sorry for your loss. You do what you want. “John Smith, beloved father of Joseph, Jacob and Jane” doesn’t sound like there’s four of you in there to me. You could always say “here lies...” if it worries you! I wouldn’t think anything of it apart from it telling me more about the person. I love graveyards and thinking of the stories and people there.

Roo2012 · 29/10/2018 13:24

To those of you saying there are no rules. There are if it's a C of E graveyard (I know because of my work) and different Diocese have different policies. For example, the gravestone in onalongsabbatical's post wouldn't be allowed in our graveyard because polished stone isn't allowed, nor is black and nor is the engraving on the side. The reason the stone mason might comment is because they are familiar with the regulations for graveyards in the area. Perhaps they meant that as it wasn't in their standard experience, they'd have to check.
I'm not saying the rules are right, but they are there. And if you spend lots of money on a stone which is then not allowed in the graveyard, that is very upsetting. So best to check it all out first. Council graveyards and other denominations probably have different rules.

Upslidedown · 29/10/2018 13:25

Unless it's offensive (swear words or similar), I cannot see the slightest problem with it. Who cares if it is unusual?

woollyheart · 29/10/2018 13:29

I sometimes walk through a graveyard and some do have names of other people on, such as 'here lies A, husband of B and father of X,Y,Z

They might well be slightly older gravestones so it might be more unusual now.

If your siblings like it, go for it.

HilaryBriss · 29/10/2018 13:33

The names of me and my brother are on my dads headstone, my mum wanted them there and I never thought that anyone would find it odd.

pasturesgreen · 29/10/2018 13:36

What do your siblings think? I'm afraid I would object to having my name on a headstone before I'm dead and buried myself.

inlectorecumbit · 29/10/2018 13:40

My name and my Dsis name is on my parents headstone. Quite common actually

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