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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A boyfriend not back thread

85 replies

StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 01:52

Aibu to ask how you would feel/deal with this -

Relatively new relationship but I have given him real emotional/physical support recently when he was very unwell.

Night out tonight planned - steak restaurant.

He didn't realise a party he was invited to tonight was tonight. When he found out he immediately cancelled dinner in favour of this.

I was invited but I have MH issues and find this a bit much. This also means that the steak restaurant is quite a big deal to me but I was physced up and looking forward to it.

He said he'd be back at around 10 as he'd like to watch a film he brought over together.

So he never came back and hasn't replied to any messages. (Two messages, both after 10 asking if ok)

I'm fucked off. Aibu to be so? What shall I say when I see him?

OP posts:

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 02:09

Unless he's fallen asleep on his friend's sofa whilst tipsy or something I'd say it's pretty bad form.

Sommelierrrr · 28/10/2018 02:11

Basic bad manners. But you were invited too.

SimpleSimonstherapist · 28/10/2018 02:12

He’s been a selfish prick not answering you but I suspect he’s just been boozing at the party. It was stupid of him to say he’d be back by 10pm - who is back from a party by 10pm?!

However, if he’d already made a commitment to be there and just confused the dates then going was fair enough, he did invite you to come to so he wasn’t trying to avoid spending time with you. If it’s a new relationship he may not have understood you couldn’t manage the party.

Don’t message him anymore. See how he behaves in the morning. If he’s contrite then that’s one thing, if he doesn’t care at all then I would think carefully about someone who disregards your feelings so early in the relationship.

Lovestonap · 28/10/2018 02:20

Wait and see how he is tomorrow. The issue isn't that he stayed out, it's great that he was having a good time (assuming that's what happened), but it is bad manners to a) cancel your date and b) go off radar when you were expecting to see him. It takes literally 5 seconds to send a 'having a great time, staying out, see you tomorrow' text.

If he doesn't recognise that he was inconsiderate to you then that's a bit of a red flag in my opinion.

Try and get some rest and then plan something nice for you tomorrow.

Original poster

StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 02:21

Thank you.

I know he isn't trying to avoid me. I'm just upset that I've been ditched basically and yes, my feelings feel disregarded. But tbh I just wish I could have gone to dinner or the party.

It was stupid of him to say he’d be back by 10pm - who is back from a party by 10pm?!

This!!

OP posts:

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 02:22

Umm..did he even checke with you about cancelling dinner plans?

Good advice so far and concur.

All that you say sounds really one-sided. He's been very ill you've looked after him,its probably been quite intense for a new relationship, and tbh a meal out would have been a nice recognition to treat you to that as way of thanks to you.

But you say 'he' cancelled and now not back as planned, screw him frankly

It easier to say from the outside notsomuch when emotionally involved.

You're clearly unhappy, listen to yourself and stand by yourself.

It's quite early on to be behaving so shitty and disrespectful of plans with you.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/10/2018 02:27

Nah would not be impressed.
First off it was poor form to dump you and your plans when he realised he’d double booked, especially as you didn’t feel up to joining him at the party.
It’s a relatively new relationship, he should be making an effort. I’d have been more impressed if he’d said no to the party as he wanted to spend time with you.
Then to say he’d be back by 10am (what a crock) and leave you waiting for him and not be contactable?!
Nopety nooooooo!
Yes, he’s probably just got pissed and carried away but he is showing you zero respect.
Dump him!

Original poster

StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 02:35

Shriekingbanshee you've hit the nail on the head. It was more then just a meal out tonight.

Aintnothingbutaheartache Nopety nooooooo! Made me laugh

OP posts:

penisbeakers · 28/10/2018 02:54

Get rid.

He basically told you that you were less
Important with his actions. I'm not saying that he should put you first, but with that bullshit he basically projects that a party is more fun than spending time with you one on one, even if he invited you. Giving you a consolation prize as in wanting to watch a film with you after, is taking the piss, especially as he's not bothered to turn up for it, and isn't responding.

You don't get to just cancel plans like that, it's not on. I'd be inclined to text him with something like "you've shown me I'm not very important this evening, so I'm ending things before I get too invested." Then leave it at that and move on with your life.

frogface69 · 28/10/2018 03:18

Chuck

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 03:45

I think it depends on what type of party it is. If I had RSPVd to a good friend's bday party and got the dates mixed up I'd probably ask my gf if we could just go out the next weekend as meals are something we do all the time and aren't once a year. But I'd defo not ignore her texts.

Monty27 · 28/10/2018 03:50

And he thinks he is who?
I couldn't give a twank what he's doing if it were me. I'd hope it was worth it for him because he wouldn't becoming near me again!!

GoBigOrange · 28/10/2018 04:17

It depends a little. If just a Halloween knees up at the house of a random mate then I'd be unimpressed with him cancelling on me and going - particularly if he didn't at least mention rescheduling dinner with me soon. But if it was say the 40th birthday party of one of his closest friends and he was clear he was just postponing dinner, then I'd be fine with him going to that.

Saying he'd be back at 10 was just a big fat honking lie though. And he was a twat to say he would be when he must have known he was talking out of his arse. And then to not text either. Pah. I'd be considerably fucked off with his unreliability at this point.

An unprompted and sincere apology in the morning might save his bacon, but I'd be less keen on him now I think.

Original poster

StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 05:17

It was a significant birthday party. A surprise one. Not sure about who girls it was, don't think he's ever mentioned her but all his friends were going.

I'm now of the opinion I can deal with the dinner disappointment but going awol is not okay at all.

OP posts:

KC225 · 28/10/2018 05:27

frogface69 I swear I have not heard chuck, as i n chick him in years chucked in years.

See what he has to say today.

Angelf1sh · 28/10/2018 05:31

He’s been very rude. I would wait and see what kind of apology he makes tomorrow morning. If it’s not good enough (or non-existent) I’d also advocate ending the relationship as his behaviour at the start of a relationship is likely to be the best it’s evdr going to get.

Angelf1sh · 28/10/2018 05:31

(Actually that’s THIS morning 😂😂🤷🏼‍♀️)

bubbles108 · 28/10/2018 05:35

He did invite you to the party - did he know you wouldn't be able to go due to MH issues?

I think cancelling plans at the last minute in favour of an (important?) party which he'd forgotten about, indicates someone who's a bit chaotic

Dating someone like that wouldn't appeal to me

captainproton · 28/10/2018 05:39

It sounds like he doesn’t place much value or gratitude for the emotional support you’ve given him.

He got in his opinion the opportunity to go to a surprise birthday party and he ditched you for the better offer.

Lose him, he sounds emotionally immature and a time waster.

You deserve better x

toherdoor · 28/10/2018 05:42

Cancelling dinner was shitty, but not following through on coming over later and then ignoring texts would be a dealbreaker for me. It won't be the last time he does it if you stay with him.
Be prepared for him to contact you tomorrow and minimise it, and tell you you're over reacting.
I would get rid. You can do better.

MrsStrowman · 28/10/2018 06:04

I don't think cancelling dinner is an issue, he mixed up his dates it can happen to anyone and he invited the which shows he's happy for you to spend time with his close friends even though the relationship is new. He didn't have said he'd be back by ten thigh and he shouldn't have ignored your messages.

MrsStrowman · 28/10/2018 06:05

*invited you

Maddy70 · 28/10/2018 06:11

The fact he went to the party (which he had obviously commited to) you are definitely bu. To be upset he went particularly as you were also invited.

If he said he was coming back at 10 and then didn't answer texts etc. Then that's a bit shoddy tbf however he was silly to say he would as the party would have barely started by then and there is no way he would be back by then.

He was obviously having a good time drunk I honestly wouldn't make a massive deal over this but today's dinner out would definitely have to include some make up cocktails somewhere lovely (especially if he's hungover ) ;)

spacefighter · 28/10/2018 06:15

I'm sorry but it's a new relationship and I think you are making a bigger deal out of it than it has to be. Many people and me included have said I would be home at a certain time but end up having a good time and stay out later. Maybe he shouldn't of ignored your texts or told you he wasn't coming over but YOU were invited too and had the option to go.

Shoxfordian · 28/10/2018 06:30

Cancelling plans he had with you to do something else should be a red flag. He's disrespectful. Find someone else who sticks to their word

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