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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A boyfriend not back thread

85 replies

StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 01:52

Aibu to ask how you would feel/deal with this -

Relatively new relationship but I have given him real emotional/physical support recently when he was very unwell.

Night out tonight planned - steak restaurant.

He didn't realise a party he was invited to tonight was tonight. When he found out he immediately cancelled dinner in favour of this.

I was invited but I have MH issues and find this a bit much. This also means that the steak restaurant is quite a big deal to me but I was physced up and looking forward to it.

He said he'd be back at around 10 as he'd like to watch a film he brought over together.

So he never came back and hasn't replied to any messages. (Two messages, both after 10 asking if ok)

I'm fucked off. Aibu to be so? What shall I say when I see him?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 28/10/2018 06:35

If this is what he's like now in a relatively new relationship (bins you in favour of a better offer, which is quite frankly appallingly bad behaviour + hasn't bothered to keep in touch), can you imagine what he'd be like in a couple of years when the rot sets in.

I'd give him the elbow.

daisychain01 · 28/10/2018 06:37

He's ignoring your texts because you are way down his priority list.

It won't get any better, believe me.

LEMtheoriginal · 28/10/2018 06:40

Fuck that

Mix56 · 28/10/2018 07:11

he will have lots of excuses,
up to you if you want to be treated as a doormat

Original poster
StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 07:11

bubbles108 yes he did. I think he was quite disappointed I wouldn't go with him.

spacefighter this is what half of my head is thinking. But I'm upset, you know?

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 28/10/2018 07:18

Seriously this is just an example of what things will be like further down the line. Inconsiderate. Bail now before you get too invested.

eloliphant · 28/10/2018 07:23

I would be really upset, as others have said to do this so early in a relationship isn't a good sign of things to come. Has he contacted you yet?

Lindy2 · 28/10/2018 07:31

I expect he's had too much to drink. He'll probably contact you this morning.
This is a new relationship and I think you need to give some thought to whether you are compatible as a couple.
It seems he likes to go out and was keen to go to the party. It's perfectly ok that he wants to do that and invited you along too. You however, find it difficult to go out so I assume you spend time at each other's houses.
I'm not sure this will work for you both longer term.
He will resent having to stay in. You will resent it when he goes out.

Monty27 · 28/10/2018 07:34

What Lindy. ^^ said
It is what it is

CubanHeels · 28/10/2018 07:34

If it was an established, mutually-committed relationship, I’d have been no more than mildly miffed at him mixing up dates and acknowledged that he’d pre-committed to a big occasion for a good friend. But in a very new relationship, where I’d been doing a lot of running around? I’d probably see it as a sign of alternative priorities and turn my attention elsewhere. But also, OP, I don’t think it’s good for you to already have become established as ‘the support’ in such a new relationship.

CubanHeels · 28/10/2018 07:35

And Lindy makes good points.

Veterinari · 28/10/2018 07:40

Are you living together?
How new is the relationship?

Original poster
StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 07:45

Not living together. 5 months old.

I agree 're the support comment however the situation was unavoidable so I couldn't not. But I put myself out quite a bit to help.

I think we are very compatible as a couple. My illness gets in the way but I'm making progress. I do not want to lean on him too much but I need support with it.

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 28/10/2018 07:50

In a normal relationship where there is mutual trust none of this would concern me personally. A surprise 40th for a good friend is probably more important for him to attend than a meal out. I don’t think he’s prioritised the wrong event. You were invited so it’s not as though he is deliberately excluding you.

However the handling thereafter is an issue. He shouldn’t have promised to be back for 10 (frankly the idea of sitting down to watch a film after 10pm is beyond me - ideally I’d be in bed). And obviously he should have kept in touch and managed your expectations.

Depending on your relationship to this point and how he responds to this should guide what happens next. It’s not simply a binary choice between dump him or get over it.

SilverApples · 28/10/2018 07:52

It doesn’t sound as if he’s up forgiving you the level of support you need with your mental health. When you supported him, was that a short term, physical illness?
He may not realise how important it is to you for him to be in touch, or he may be backing away from that level of need. Either way, you won’t know until you talk with him and explain how you feel. He may not be up to a long term relationship, or he may just be oblivious and need clarification.

LotsToThinkOf · 28/10/2018 07:53

It sounds like he's tried to compromise after you said you couldn't go, he's torn between you and his friends, completely messed up by confusing the dates and then had a drink.

He did invite you, you didn't go (not your fault of course) so he tried to be fair by saying he'd come back early. In reality that wasn't ever going to work, he's got there and got carried away.

I wouldn't give him a hard time about it, considering the situation. If you'd have gone with him then you'd be there having a good time and getting carried away too. It's not necessarily that he's put you low down on his priorities he's just out with his friends.

Speak to him today, tell him it wasn't fair of him to say he'd be back and then not get in touch. If things are otherwise ok I'd let this one slide but I'd be on guard for it happening again. More than once is a deal breaker.

Ifoundanacorn · 28/10/2018 08:01

Call it a day now unless there has been a true emergency

Angrybird345 · 28/10/2018 08:06

He’s not prepared to support you. If he was, he would at least have sent a text saying he wouldn’t be back at 10.

Strugglingtodomybest · 28/10/2018 08:15

I'm fucked off. Aibu to be so? What shall I say when I see him?

I totally get why you're fucked off. I would see what he says when he contacts you, whether he's apologetic or not.
I used to have this issue with DH when we first got together. I used to go mad at him over it and eventually got out of him that he'd rather get bollocked on his return than ring up and let me know his plans during the evening. I asked him why he thought I'd bollock him for communicating his plans in a grown up fashion, and he didn't know, but I expect it was based on his parents relationship and past relationships of his.

In summary, have a mature discussion about how you want things to work in the future.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2018 08:17

He obviously got caught up in the party. Hindsight being a glorious thing it would have been a good idea for him to suggest going to dinner a little earlier and then off to the party.

I agree with you. He made a mistake then compounded it by totally disregarding your feelings. He sounds rather immature.

Original poster
StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 08:18

SilverApples it was an accute complication of a long term physical illness. He's much better now though Smile

He understands MI and has been fabulous so far.

I've had a lovely breakfast and am going to take the dog for a trek to get some fresh air. I'll see if he's surfaced by then and take it from there, depending on how good his excuses were Wink. It's just bad manners though isn't it? Id hate to loose what we have though, it was begining to be something quite special. Or so I thought!

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 28/10/2018 08:21

He's committed to a one off first and got dates confused. Most people have done that at some point. He probably said he'd be back by 10 because he felt guilty even though he invited you and it was your choice not to go.

I think all the calls to dump him are over reacting. See how it goes.

SilverApples · 28/10/2018 08:22

Good plan!

PearsOfWisdom · 28/10/2018 08:23

he will have lots of excuses
up to you if you want to be treated as a doormat

This. I have lots of experience of allowing myself to be treated like a doormat and I don’t recommend it.

Original poster
StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 08:24

LotsToThinkOf I think this is the most likely scenario 😊

Thank you for your comments everyone! You saved me some angry texting which I'm sure I would have regretted.

OP posts:
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