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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A boyfriend not back thread

85 replies

StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 01:52

Aibu to ask how you would feel/deal with this -

Relatively new relationship but I have given him real emotional/physical support recently when he was very unwell.

Night out tonight planned - steak restaurant.

He didn't realise a party he was invited to tonight was tonight. When he found out he immediately cancelled dinner in favour of this.

I was invited but I have MH issues and find this a bit much. This also means that the steak restaurant is quite a big deal to me but I was physced up and looking forward to it.

He said he'd be back at around 10 as he'd like to watch a film he brought over together.

So he never came back and hasn't replied to any messages. (Two messages, both after 10 asking if ok)

I'm fucked off. Aibu to be so? What shall I say when I see him?

OP posts:
OrdinaryGirl · 28/10/2018 08:26

Deeds not words.
You've been together 5 months, not 5 weeks. He's showing you very clearly where you are in his priorities, not regarding the party, but regarding the way he's communicated with you about it.

And as others have said, this isn't going to get better as the relationship progresses.
I always think that this kind of situation is a blessing in disguise for women - a way of weeding out those who aren't right for you.

A guy who is really, truly into you won't act like this.

diddl · 28/10/2018 08:28

As you say, he should never have mentioned being back at 10pm

Should just have gone to the party & seen/contacted you today.

ahYerWill · 28/10/2018 08:30

The first time now-dh flaked on evening plans without telling me, I made my displeasure VERY clear the next day. I don't mind if he goes out, or for how long, or even if his plans change at the last minute. I hate being left waiting around for hours though - it takes 10s to send a text and let someone know you're delayed/not able to make it and is basic courtesy.

In my case dh was very apologetic, agreed he was in the wrong and always lets me know if plans change now. If he hadn't understood why I found it disrespectful, or it happened again, he wouldn't be dh.

I guess it depends if this was a one-off mistake which he acknowledges, or if it's the start of a bigger pattern of messing you about.

BigFatLiar · 28/10/2018 08:34

Perhaps this was an important party for him to attend and he's a bit pissed off that you didn't go along with him.

IDontWearMakeUpOnThursdays · 28/10/2018 08:38

Google "every intention of going home" by Mickey Flanagan.

Tbh he should of just said "sorry, I forgot it's so and so's surprise birthday party, is it okay if we go to that and rearrange dinner for another night?" Which it sounds like he kinda did, but he shot himself in the foot with the "I'll be back by 10pm" line!

If he's not contacted you yet then yes I'd find that very rude and inconsiderate, unless his phone has died or he's lost use of both his hands or something

See how he is this morning.

ferrier · 28/10/2018 08:45

He made one mistake .... not texting you when he wasn't back for 10pm. It depends what his reasons are for that and how apologetic he is about it.

JustWhatINeededNow · 28/10/2018 08:49

Yes a pp said this happened early in my relationship to now DH. Supposed to come over after being out for early drinks rocked up at about 1am I Think?

I was fucking livid. Especially as I heard the taxi 3 hours later with him chatting to the fucking driver - no real hurry.

It hadn't occurred to him that I was waiting. I wasn't invited to his party, and it's not like I could suddenly invent plans and be elsewhere.

I can't remember how it was resolved. He honestly hadn't done it with malice. It was hugely thoughtless but he just didn't think it'd be a problem. We laugh about it now and he has never done anything similar since (5 years).

Bouledeneige · 28/10/2018 08:56

If I were him I would have gone to the party. I do sometimes get a bit muddled with arrangements and I wouldn't want to let people down on a significant party ( you can go for dinner any night).

I would've been very apologetic and invited you to come. The thing I wouldn't have done is promise to be back by 10 - that's not realistic, and if I'm at a party and having a good time I wouldn't be picking up phone messages. He should however have sent you a message to say he wouldn't be coming back.

Balls in his court to apologise now - but for me it wouldn't be a sackable offence. Human error trying to be more amenable by saying he'd do something that was a bit unrealistic. And I'd not want to seem like I can't spend an evening without him.

Strugglingtodomybest · 28/10/2018 09:01

And as others have said, this isn't going to get better as the relationship progresses.

It did get better for us, after we had a proper conversation about expectations. 17 years later and still going strong.

Delancy · 28/10/2018 09:04

You sound keen to make it work with him. Please make sure its not at any cost to yourself, e.g. by repeatedly giving more than him, or by putting up with less than desirable behaviour.
You will be selling yourself short in that way, which is most unhealthy for a relationship for both of you.

Imagine you have a grown up daughter whom you love more than anything and this has just happened to her. What would you advise her, really?

I would advise my daughter to communicate clearly and at length to him your feelings about what has just happened. Ensure that he has understood what you've said.
In the meantime go and work at other interests in your life, your career, your relationships with friends and family, keep them strong. Don't let your life revolve around him and what he does, you're a special life too.
Best of luck Flowers

diddl · 28/10/2018 09:09

I don't think that it's necessarily a sign that things won't get better.

Just be sure to keep it in mind if you keep seeing him, Op.

Original poster
StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 09:13

So my last message to him was 'are you okay?' At 1am.

He's just responded 'Yeah I’m fine, I’ll be over soon xx'

I'm literally just leaving with the dog.

OP posts:
Bowchicawowow · 28/10/2018 09:15

You sound young and i would say that you should focus more on why you are avoiding parties than your boyfriend. You have so much life ahead of you and it’s tragic that you are limiting your experiences. I wish you well.

Original poster
StillGotTheTreeUp · 28/10/2018 09:20

Bowchicawowow I agree and I am. I have an eating disorder and suffer terribly from social anxiety. Changed dinner plans last min would not make a fun party for me. I'm way better then I was a year ago. So here's to next year SmileCake I'm probably not as young as you think I am though!

OP posts:
Neshoma · 28/10/2018 09:28

Don't let your MH issues hold you back. You are with a great guy but don't let your condition dictate your relationship. If you always refuse to go out with him because it's short notice (or what 'reason') then he's going to find someone else who does want to go out eventually.

Slappinthebass · 28/10/2018 09:40

I think he got to the party and people asked where you were and he's got drunk and upset you wouldn't come. After 5 months together you should have really made an effort to at least make an appearance with him, rude of you to refuse. Are you ever planning on meeting his friends?

Santaclarita · 28/10/2018 09:49

Just leave with the dog regardless and don't tell him. If he has to wait outside in the cold, more fool him.

Neshoma · 28/10/2018 10:52

I don't know why you are been told to punish him.

He's been unwell and forgot a friends significant birthday. After 5 months his loyalty will still be to friends rather than you. AND you were invited but declined. Are you going to always do this?

I don't think you are in a position to berate him. Yet.

toherdoor · 28/10/2018 11:45

Yep so he brushed it off like it was nothing. No big deal.

The first time I ever sat around wondering what had happened to my boyfriend, why he had gone awol and posting about it on the internet- would be the last time.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/10/2018 12:00

He sounds very casual. No apology for not turning up last night. No recognition of your needs at all really.

He ditched you for a plan he preferred. And then didn’t turn up when he promised to. And didn’t get in touch. And is now super casual about turning up when he feels like, without checking with you if that’s ok.

Not good.

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 14:40

Nice one OP. Enjoy the walk Halloween Smile

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 19:22

Lol. I'm willing to bet the majority of the posters saying "dump him" are bitter and single...

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 19:34

Not seeing what's funny here Scott
Bit Halloween Hmm at judgement that you might be making here

ShalomJackie · 28/10/2018 19:41

If my phone runs out of charge and I recharge it the message shows as the tmeit came through. It is possible he assumed you texted this morning.

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 19:45

Sorry, that was a downright goady post... 😂

But I'm willing to bet that if it had been a "girlfriend not back" post you'd all be concerned for her safety and likely not encouraging the OP to dump her.

They sound like a happy couple on the whole and this will probably not be something they even think about in a few months.