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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bride wants to go to Amsterdam for hen do but no one else does.....

90 replies

Magair · 27/10/2018 17:33

SIL is getting married next year. I am bridesmaid and she’s asked me to organise the hen do.

She’s 40, first marriage. Mild/moderate learning difficulties. Very difficult person to be around/with in that she’s very thoughtless and selfish, lacks conversational skills, has a huge sense of entitlement etc. Therefore very few friends. There are 8 invitees to the hen do, 3 friends and 5 family members. Some of the family members find SIL very difficult to tolerate (despite loving her).

SIL really has her heart set on going to Amsterdam for her hen do and always has. She loves eating hash and getting stoned. She is then a total liability and the night ends quickly. The rest of us range in age from 37-70 and it’s just not something we want to do, on the whole. Money is an issue for most of us and time too.

If I really tried I could possibly organise for me, one of the friends maybe MIL to go to Amsterdam. I really don’t want to though. I have begun to organise a cocktail making night and dinner in London instead.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Aridane · 27/10/2018 17:34

Clearly you don’t like her and .I don’t think you should be organising her hen n!!

MrsGollach · 27/10/2018 17:35

No, YANBU, you are being sensible.

Aridane · 27/10/2018 17:36

PS maybe just tell her i’s too expensive for the participants

Original poster

Magair · 27/10/2018 17:37

I love her. I am just clear eyed about the type of personality she has. It’s related to her LDs so very forgivable and understandable but doesn’t make it easier on the day to day to be with her.

OP posts:

JellieEllie · 27/10/2018 17:37

There is an awful lot to do in Amsterdam other than eating brownies.
There are so many museums, rides on the canal boats, restaurants, nice bars, bicycle rides, theatres, shows. .
If she hadn't asked to go to dam specifically and you had booked something alternate then it wouldn't be a problem but as she has stated what she would like then I think you need to follow her wishes.
You could however mention to her that no one in the bridal party wants to go there and would she like something else.
I think YABU to ignore her request and book something completely different without asking her first.

hello1233 · 27/10/2018 17:38

Sounds awful. Maybe suggest to the others that you do something cheaper and more suitable to your collective tastes but gift her a trip to Amsterdam for her and her new husband as a wedding present. And give it to her on the hen night so she doesn't sulk all the way through!

LizzieBennettDarcy · 27/10/2018 17:38

No chance. She sounds like a liability.

I'd make sure she gets a hen but one that you can all get through!

Mulberry72 · 27/10/2018 17:38

Tell her it’s too expensive for everyone to attend.

It wouldn’t be my idea of fun babysitting a 40 year old woman off her head on drugs! YANBU.

fuzzyduck1 · 27/10/2018 17:38

I was invited to stag do in Amsterdam.
The stag dropped out a week before so rearranged a night in London he dropped out the day before so we said stuff him and went anyway.

Insomnibrat · 27/10/2018 17:38

Just tell her,- no one else wants to/can afford to go.

sausagerole · 27/10/2018 17:39

I think it's fair enough to say no to a proposed hen-do due to location, cost or time, let alone the misery of looking after someone who's high and not in control of themselves! I'd just tell her that you're sorry but there was no appetite for Amsterdam amongst the group so you've organised something else instead. She might not like it or even want to do it, but that's up to her and doesn't mean you should feel guilted into doing Amsterdam instead.

SushiMonster · 27/10/2018 17:40

There is an awful lot to do in Amsterdam other than eating brownies

Yes but if the bride wants to do that and is a liability, then the other aren’t going to be able to go to the museums and leave a stoned bride off her tits on her own.

MrsDrudge · 27/10/2018 17:40

I think you need to discuss and be honest that people can’t afford or don’t want to go, and suggest some other options.
Perhaps she could go to Amsterdam on her honeymoon instead?

SemperIdem · 27/10/2018 17:40

Yanbu.

Generally speaking, I don’t think that getting stoned in front of your MIL to be is a great shout.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 17:41

I think you need to be straight with her. No one else wants to go to Amsterdam or get stoned, no one can else can afford that, and tell her she needs to suggest an alternative. Yes, there's loads to do with Amsterdam but if the bride just wants to go get stoned she's hardly going to want to do all the other stuff.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/10/2018 17:43

If you went would she agree to not smoking say before 10pm then you can do other activities as well? Or book on one of those boat tours where you can't sneak off and smoke as you're in an enclosed space for a long time?

It does sound quite unworkable and I think as a compromise could you ask what activités she wants to do there and do them here instead? Or its actually close enough and quick transport links so quite cheap etc that you can go just for one night (morning flight one day and evening flight the next and then she can't get too bad on the second night as wouldn't be allowed on the plane).

If she is desperate to go there you could all club together and get her and husband tickets there for a wedding present?

corythatwas · 27/10/2018 17:44

If she hadn't asked to go to dam specifically and you had booked something alternate then it wouldn't be a problem but as she has stated what she would like then I think you need to follow her wishes.

Even if the OP and the other bridesmaids can't afford it?

JellieEllie · 27/10/2018 17:44

@SushiMonster very true 🤣🤣

JellieEllie · 27/10/2018 17:46

@corythatwas if no one could afford it that would be different of course but the OP states it's that no one wants to go rather than money issues.
You would be surprised at how much cheaper it would be to go to Dam for the weekend than a city break to be honest though!

Original poster

Magair · 27/10/2018 17:47

She hasn’t actually said to me “organise me a hen do in Amsterdam”. Instead over the years it been “when I get married let’s go to Dam for my hen do” type comments. Now it’s actually time to organise it, I’ve said leave it to me and she hasn’t mentioned Dam.... however I’ve had a couple of texts on the group WhatsApp saying “but she’s told me she wants to go to Amsterdam?”. I was sort of hoping not to have to mention it to her and just surprise her on the night and her be happy with what we are doing... but I see I do actually have to break it to her.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 17:47

I agree, buy her and her husband some tickets and they can go.

JellieEllie · 27/10/2018 17:48

@corythatwas ignore my last post. I am very clearly actually blind. There are money concerns I didn't read that part properly!

AnonaMouse1 · 27/10/2018 17:50

Dam?? You call it that?

Redgreencoverplant · 27/10/2018 17:53

Perhaps sit her down and explain that due to financial issues if you go to Amsterdam very few people will be able to go but more would be able to go to London.

LL83 · 27/10/2018 17:53

@anonamouse1 I have heard it called that.

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