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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bride wants to go to Amsterdam for hen do but no one else does.....

90 replies

Magair · 27/10/2018 17:33

SIL is getting married next year. I am bridesmaid and she’s asked me to organise the hen do.

She’s 40, first marriage. Mild/moderate learning difficulties. Very difficult person to be around/with in that she’s very thoughtless and selfish, lacks conversational skills, has a huge sense of entitlement etc. Therefore very few friends. There are 8 invitees to the hen do, 3 friends and 5 family members. Some of the family members find SIL very difficult to tolerate (despite loving her).

SIL really has her heart set on going to Amsterdam for her hen do and always has. She loves eating hash and getting stoned. She is then a total liability and the night ends quickly. The rest of us range in age from 37-70 and it’s just not something we want to do, on the whole. Money is an issue for most of us and time too.

If I really tried I could possibly organise for me, one of the friends maybe MIL to go to Amsterdam. I really don’t want to though. I have begun to organise a cocktail making night and dinner in London instead.

AIBU?

OP posts:

itneverrainsitpours · 27/10/2018 17:54

Recently a family member wanted her hen do in Ibiza but very few of the invitees could afford what was suggested, so we have arranged a hen do in London instead which she is fine with as she would rather have a hen do with all her friends and family there.
I'm sure she'll understand.

itneverrainsitpours · 27/10/2018 17:55

@anonamouse1 I've heard it being referred to as 'the dam' a lot.

Vampiratequeen · 27/10/2018 17:58

Couldn't you do the house up Amsterdam esque and make some brownies? Special ones for her plain for everyone else, something like that, an Amsterdam themed one and explain that you couldn't afford to take her there so you brought it to her? Then her wishes have been taken into account too.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 17:59

I agree, buy her and her husband some tickets and they can go.

But if she cannot afford to go to Amsterdam herself, it's not likely she will be able to buy them tickets.

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2018 18:01

Yes, ds lives there, I can confirm it’s commonly referred to as Dam by Young People .

OP, I would close this down very quickly by telling her it will be too expensive and difficult to arrange as her hen do but wouldn’t it be a marvellous honeymoon destination?

If she likes a more grungy vibe why not organise something in one of the cool parts of London or your nearest city rather than cocktail making? There are some fun experience events or a venue with some theme she’s enjoy?

Good luck, it does sound a tad tricky!

Nottheduchessoftransiyvaniaaaa · 27/10/2018 18:01

Could family chip in and pay for an Amsterdam mini break for their present?

Original poster

Magair · 27/10/2018 18:07

She’s not in the least grungy! She loves feather boas and flashing headbands and bride to be sashes.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Magair · 27/10/2018 18:09

She’s been to Amsterdam many many times, including with her fiancé twice. I am not sure what they are doing honeymoon wise, I could suggest it.

OP posts:

HRTpatch · 27/10/2018 18:11

Can't you all wear clogs and pretend you are there?

HollowTalk · 27/10/2018 18:11

It sounds like a nightmare! Tell her it would make a good honeymoon, but that nobody else wants to go there.

TroysMammy · 27/10/2018 18:12

Couldn't you find a pub/restaurant in the UK called The Windmill? If there is one in London you could then go for a trip on Regent's Canal. But don't tell her that her hen do is in the UK.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/10/2018 18:14

I'd be honest and say people don't have the time or money for this trip

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2018 18:16

Oh, sorry, I got the wrong idea from her preferred idea of a good time being in a dope cafe! If she loves the whole feather boa crap just grit your teeth and go to town on a typical hen bash. If she’s 40 would she enjoy an eighties club or similar?

She sounds (once again I may have completely the wrong end of the stick) like she might get roaring drunk and start getting tricky so I would aim at including some stodgy food and a limited time span for damage limitation .

BarbarianMum · 27/10/2018 18:17

It's fine to say "sorry no can do". She'll just have to accept it and chose a more realustic alternative. No one is owed the hen do of their dreams.

SaucyJack · 27/10/2018 18:21

YANBU. No one should feel obliged to bankrupt themselves and have a shit time for a hen do. It isn’t that important.

Also- don’t do what other posters have suggested and take her there just too try and drag her round museums or on boat trips. That’s just rubbing salt in the wound if she’d rather be sat in a cafe smoking a massive bifta.

knowledgeofnone · 27/10/2018 18:24

If you were close to Newcastle you could always do the mini cruise with dfds that way it's only like 5 hours you get in the dam and she can't get too put her face plus the boat could be a good laugh (warning drinks in the bar are very expensive take your own). You can usually get special offers like 241 or cruise for £69 so might be worth a thought.

NorthernRunner · 27/10/2018 18:26

Amsterdam isn’t cheap once you are there either.
I went to Budapest for my hen do, two nights in air bnb was £27, flights were £50 return and I spent £100 over two and a bit days. Couldnt recommend it enough!

greendale17 · 27/10/2018 18:27

Just be honest and tell her straight. What is she going to do? Go on her own? Doubt it

RedLife · 27/10/2018 18:30

Dam?? You call it that?

What's your point?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/10/2018 18:31

It can be very difficult having to encourage out of control people to get on trains or cabs home. Could you have the do in the UK, but all chip in for a big car to take you all there and back? Then you can make sure the evening runs more smoothly, and she can have some "brownies" as a coming home snack instead? It sounds like what she really wants is to have a bit of a fuss made of her, plenty of Bride to Be boas and head dresses, confetti and photos might make her feel a bit special

BrokenWing · 27/10/2018 18:41

Just been on a cocktail making hen night and it was dull dull dull. We had 5-6 cocktails too make/made for us and a couple of shots. The tables were set out in a U shape around the cocktail making table so werent conducive to chatting. Most people had 2-3 of the cocktails they just didn't enjoy so left and the whole thing kind of felt like being in a meeting room. Wouldn't recommend at all.

ManicUnicorn · 27/10/2018 18:45

YABU to call Amersterdam 'Dam'. Do you call Magaluf 'Maga' as we'll.

bloodylovethemoomins · 27/10/2018 18:53

Dam square is in Amsterdam and people who live there call the town centre 'Dam'.

There is even a tram stop called Dam.

And hen nights abroad are ridiculous even if no one is wanted to drag a 70 year old round coffee shops.

Original poster

Magair · 27/10/2018 19:10

Thanks for suggestions all. Newcastle is too far sadly. Her mum has put forward the idea of travelling by limo which she will like. @BrokenWing, can you tell me more about the cocktails, was it through a restaurant chain?

OP posts:

Loftyswops988 · 27/10/2018 19:18

Having lived in Amsterdam for the past 8 years, we do indeed refer to it as 'Dam' or 'the Dam', so unsure what the problem is with calling it that?

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