to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

What flying?

I have never understood the title using for kids at school to teachers when both kids and teachers spend most of their lives with each other. It doesn't make a dot of difference about respect and distance. A good teacher can be a good friend have a laugh and be respected without having to be called miss or sir.

My brother’s in a wheelchair. By your approach I suppose I should not give a fuck about lack of accessibility because I can walk up steps no problem?

You actually are at fault for corresponding in the plural “we” and signing it from a single person. Either state “my partner / husband / wife etc and I” or write we / us etc and sign it from both of you.

Yes, the school made assumptions. Yet so did you for expecting them to write an essay asking you to inform them of the name of the other person in “we” and their relationship to you and your child. Such an essay would equally leave others feeling insulted that it may be assumed they are not in a heterosexual relationship.

I can't see anything wrong writing as one parent on behalf of both parents [visiting the school] and signing off one person. How else can OP say we are coming to the school, I'm coming with another?

Grammatically you would say my husband/partner/other and I are interested in applying, and we're keen to see around the school ...and still sign off just self.

Communications between schools and parent not so formal as they used to be.

after all this angst, the receptionist may know you and know you are mr. and mrs. may have some information as your partner stopped in and filled out a form or any number of other scenarios.

The form 'we' is normally formal and signed off 'faithfully'
The personal, sincerely, written I. But who cares, as long as we all understand and we're all working to differing levels of formality, form and understanding

I think "Ms" should be assumed as the default---this is now the norm in most English-speaking contexts outside the UK, in my experience. I find the UK's continual defaulting to "Mrs" to be very odd.

And I would always put "partner, if your partner is available" because there is no way to know if people are married or have a same-sex partner.

Mummyoflittledragon who ever signs emails from two people.

I began the email by saying “we are thinking of applying for DS to attend X school”. It was just a statement of fact. However the request about for tours was made by me, singular. I was expecting to be given dates and to be sent a form to fill in asking for info about attendees so not an essay “Dear Jessie, thanks for your enquiry, we’re doing tours on x y and z dates, please fill in the attached and return to us by X date.” And for the form to have space for 2 adult names and their relationship to the child.

Umm, well funnily enough my brother is also disabled (it's a small world). However, he also makes that very clear in regards to his individual status/needs to other people in relation to any services or facilities that he's wanting to access from the outset. Personally I wouldn't feel the need to get on my able bodied high horse to 'fight his corner' when he's more than capable of doing it for himself, why would I?

I'm with you OP. I don't sense you're angry - just a bit frustrated by assumptions people make. This isn't a new fad. Some women worked it out years ago (like my mum in the 70s). We don't all want to be "Mrs John Smith the 3rd" or whatever. Those of us who do - more power to you but if we respect your choice why is it so hard to ask people to respect our choices? I don't understand.

I'm a Ms. I don't share the same surname as my husband and never will - I like mine. I do have an email signature that has my name in it - also because my name and surname confuse people who think I am a man sometimes (God knows why - I think it's the surname). I have my dad's surname which is different to my mum's. She kept her name for practical reasons rather than sentimentality. When my husband and I have a baby it will take my surname - because why not? Apart from which the country I come from used to have very strict laws about women changing their name when married and it was actually illegal until fairly recently. Now it is legal but most of us don't do it anyway.

I don't understand why people find it so hard to accept that little things like this irritate some of us. It's nothing to do with political correctness. For some of us we enjoy the fact that we get to choose our surname. It may not be a big deal to many of you but it is to some of us. For some people it's not political correctness it's about culture and heritage and family roots and it's important.

Flying I still don't understand your point.

Everyone has had to fight for rights for disabled access, are you saying its somehow wrong and extremely weird that it's not been only the disabled that support the disabled? I don't get it. Lots of able bodied ppl...oh well...your point is not a good point t nor is it well made

Kokeshi there have been threads and threads on MN in the past in which it has emerged that many women detest “Ms” and see it as a label given only to bitter divorcees and lesbians. It’s crazy. Although I am technically Mrs and prefer first name if at all possible, I am absolutely fine with Ms and see it as nothing more than a female title that doesn’t convey marital status. I sometimes put it on forms where I think marital status is not relevant. However there are apparently legions of women out there who would be mortally offended by being called Ms and so people are too scared to use it unless expressly asked to do so.

FlyingMonkeys I am not talking about patronising my brother by protesting about lack of accessibility to places he actually plans to go to. What I mean is that having a brother in a wheelchair means that I generally notice lack of accessibility around me and support those who campaign to improve it. Just like I notice heteronormative assumptions and feel that society should make fewer of them.

YANBU.
Some of the people who've responded so rudely seem to me to be the ones who need to get a grip on living in the 21st century.

Sometimes I get called Ms/Miss/Mrs, I really couldn't care less. I have better things to worry about.

I don't think it's the Ms/Mrs/Miss issue - is it not the assumption that you are (a) married to a man if you are a woman and (b) you share the same surname. That's what I thought the OP was irritated by.

On the flip side I forgot to add that because the main work contract where we are based right now is in my name all our bills and other official documentation is also in my name. As a result, my husband is often referred to as Mr PBobs. It makes me chuckle to see the reverse after years of experiencing the assumptions as women. He takes it in his stride - mostly because my surname is pretty cool so it could be worse.

No, I'm not saying only the disabled should support the disabled, nor should only the LGBT support only the LGBT. However, OP received an email correctly calling her; Mrs, married, heterosexual and she's massively affronted. OP then launched into her gay best friend/disabled brother, as an argument against her receiving an email that identified her as correctly being everything she's stated she is.

@JustineMumsnet - have you guys pulled some kind of time warp trickery on us tonight? As I've been here since was hills and shit around us but don't ever recall seeing something as tragically throwback as this.

And to the PP's saying 'get a grip' and 'you've got too much time on your hands' let's just think this through.... OP (rightly) IMO is irked by outdated 'norms' being foisted upon her, that motivates her enough to post. On t'other hand, a bunch of people saying they are disinterested, commenting on what a non-issue it is, yet still investing their time in it W.T.A.F?? Bonkers logic.

But this is my absolute fave:

blueberryporridge Thu 25-Oct-18 22:58:42

'In my opinion, it would be no bad thing if people would give their title in correspondence.... I certainly put the title I like on my correspondence... And if any customer-serving company addressed me by my first name, their correspondence would be destined for the bin (or digital equivalent) unless I had absolutely no option but to deal with them.'

I'm literally pissing myself at ^ this, hiya Hyacinth

No, FlyingMonkeys I am not “massively affronted”. I’m not even slightly affronted.

What I am is SURPRISED that a school does not have a policy on how to address people that prevents such assumptions being made. Aren’t schools where we expect young people to learn how to treat those around them with politeness and respect? I don’t even think that a gay parent would be offended when she reads an email assuming that her partner is a “husband”, I think she would just be rather sad that the default assumption is heterosexual, and that once again she’s going to have to go out of her way to correct it.

Notmyname

Forgot this bit! No OP, you are def NBU.

I only ever used my married name for utilities etc (simply as it's a much shorter/cannot be mispelt type name) but other than that use my own name.

Chose to keep my own name when got married as A: it's, y'know, my name B: Whilst utterly respect other's choices to take on someone else's name, I'm personally very uncomfortable with the innate subjugation that goes with shedding own name and taking a man's name instead; C: entire career built with my own name and be monumental faff to change that.

As an interesting side note though, my own name is quite unusual and I also worked in a fairly high profile job - on many an occasion the former Mr NotMyName would indeed be addressed as 'Mr NotMyName' and he could not stand it! It was the first time he even vaguely got a taste of what it is to have the lived experience of being a woman and told in so so many ways that you are less than; that you only exist as an extension of someone else. His feminism was seriously woke by the whole affair so I guess some good can stem from this presumptive numptiness

PBobs Spot on.

YANBU - very surprised by all the posters getting at you.

There's nothing to be gained for the school by making assumptions, even if people are "offended" when they get it wrong but they will certainly notice and think them unprofessional/thoughtless.

It takes no more effort to send a neutral email as suggested upthread.

Sometimes if I mention my partner in passing people will respond asking me about my boyfriend, forcing me to correct with girlfriend (a word I do not like).I'm not offended but it's briefly awkward and makes me think they're a bit dim/small minded.

Flying I think you were indeed very lucky to have been considered worthy of s response to your totally misrpresenting clap trap frankly.
No its not that we didn't understand its that you don't seem to!