to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

Flying this: No, I'm not saying only the disabled should support the disabled, nor should only the LGBT support only the LGBT. However, OP received an email correctly calling her; Mrs, married, heterosexual and she's massively affronted. OP then launched into her gay best friend/disabled brother, as an argument against her receiving an email that identified her as correctly being everything she's stated she is

Pp it's an open forum that's here to elicit an open debate. I have no issue personally with OP, and I'm sure that she feels none towards me either. If OP does then I fully apologise, but we haven't actually exchanged more than our own points of view.

Agree entirely OP. Not good practice on behalf of the school.

And nothing wrong with addressing an email enquirer by their first name (it’s the norm even in my rather formal industry) or using ‘Ms.’

Surprised this thread got he reaction it did. The new snowflakes seem to be the ‘PC Gone Mad’ brigade that assume any time someone raises an eyebrow at something they are mortally offended. Tedious cunts.

So at the end of the day - How has the school reacted to your response OP? Have they issued an apology, and stated what form they will address parents/guardians in the future?

Agree with OP. At school I found it deeply upsetting to receive ‘Mr and Mrs’ communications or be asked for my mother’s contact details when she had died years earlier. Such sloppy assumptions have the potential to be hurtful.

So the school presumes you are a married, heterosexual female and you feel put out because they got it right?

Are you really a frustrated lesbian? Because you’re making an awful lot of fuss over something that hasn’t happened.

Even if you were, let’s say, the lesbian mother living with your civil partner, you would just say “I will be attending with my wife, thanks , Ms Jessie Mc” pick your battles JessieMc.

I've never understood why its still okay to refer to wmen by their marital status but men don't have this.

Shopkins I am glad you have never battered an eyelid, that sounds very painful.

Haha doesn’t sound quite right. But you know what I mean 🙄

Because it's not right. I think it's fair OP pointed it out given everyone's piling derision on her.

FlyingMonkeys what on earth makes you think I would have complained to the school about their assumptions? That would be disproportionate and make me look like a crazy person. Similarly, to the poster telling me to “choose my battles”, I’m not “battling” this, I’m commenting about it on an internet forum, registering my surprise and perhaps giving people food for thought. I’ve also noted the assumptions and will be watching out for any indications that the school, overall, has a non-inclusive ethos.

likeknitting are we in the playground now?

And there’s a big difference to how someone might respond politely to correct a mistaken assumption, and how that made them feel in the first place. You obviously missed SilveronToast’s response upthread:

As a same-sex parent who doesn’t use Mrs, I am so grateful for people like you, OP, who challenge these assumptions. It may be “political correctness gone mad” for some, but for me, it’s my life, and these kind of assumptions are micro aggressions that piss me off!

Heard it all now. Making a big deal out of an assumption that someone's made that's correct.

Jessie, I'm amazed you're getting such a hard time here. I'd have expected a response on the lines of:

Dear Ms McJessie,

Thank you for ..... If you are bringing anyone else with you on your visit, please could you provide that person's full name.

Kind regards,

Maybe that's because I live in inner London and probably half the kids in my children's primary school came from families where the mother didn't have the same surname as the dad, whether or not they were married, and there were quite a lot of lesbian and gay couples as well.

Aka being able to see out of my own arse Poloshot.

I'd be surprised if you had time to with all the handwringing you probably do.

The professionally unoffended are so quick to tell someone who is surprised or mildly annoyed or even just questioning that they are “offended” or “snowflakes” or handwringing”

OP, you’re right. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s really easy to use more inclusive language, and it gives a better impression of the school. It’s probably a template letter that hasn’t been amended for years. It’s something we’re careful about at our school because many of our families are complicated, so we never assume. A lot of our parents are very wary of school and of being judged anyway, so sending out a letter assuming that every child lives with two married parents would Be very counter productive.

What Drippy77 and TigerDrank said. And BertrandRussell.

A little bit at all the aggressive (and it is aggressive) 'snowflake'-ing and 'PC gorn mad'-ing and 'get a grip'-ing flying around here. If it matters so little (as so many of you seem very keen to tell the OP) why so aggressive towards her?

They assumed the most common situation. They had more chance of getting it right.

I've just had a copy of the letter my consultant sent to my GP. Throughout, it refers to me as 'they'. I have a female name, my title is Mrs and it concerns the follow-up to surgery to remove my uterus and ovaries.

But they can't assume I'm female and refer to me as 'she'??? I'm not offended on my own behalf. I'm exasperated that overstretched doctors should have to waste precious brain space dealing with this sort of nonsense.

PurpleandTurquoise but by using a reply that contained no assumptions they had zero chance of getting it wrong!

“They assumed the most common situation. They had more chance of getting it right.”

But why not just have a form of words which means it is impossible to get it wrong?

Snap!

Thymeout the practice will have a standard template for all patients, male and feme, with “insert details of procedure here”. They are not wasting time writing to you as they did, they are saving time.

(There will also be some people with female anatomy who self-identify as male but I suspect the letter was not crafted that way for their benefit. )

I totally agree with you OP. It was a surprising way to reply to your email.

People make assumptions the whole time. And when it’s face to face you can easily say “oh it’s not Mrs X, is Miss X/Miss Y/Mrs Y/Ms Y/Lord Empress Don Hufflepuff” you get the idea. Or a quick “I have a wife not a husband” to correct that assumption is enough, and will hopefully make the person assuming feel like an idiot and not make the same mistake again. I kept my surname when I married and when people assume, I correct and then they say “oh you didn’t take your husband’s surname” and I say “actually neither of us took each other’s surname” that always throws people

But on email it’s different. When the words and answers are there in front of you and you have a chance to double check before sending there’s no reason to get it wrong. Replying to an email using the name someone signed off with is NOT rude. It’s logic. If they’ve used the word partner, not husband/wife then you use the same. It’s not difficult and doesn’t take any time.

I would gentily raise it to the school. Something similar to what you put in the OP..... “l’m slightly surprised by all the assumptions you have made from my email to you. I hope you don’t mind me making constructive criticism but maybe in your future replies to parents you could refrain from doing this”.

Op - no. This was in no way a template letter. It went into considerable detail concerning the results of my scans and reasons for no further action. In letters from the original surgeon, I was referred to as 'she'.

People shouldn’t assume but they often do!