to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

So steer clear of that school and their antideluvian attitudes. It’s obviously a hotbed of racism, sexism and homophobia and you wouldn’t want your child anywhere near it. They probably cane children as well.

Hi OP, our school does indeed have a template policy document for this sort of correspondence. We found it easier than dealing with the corrections we received if we didn’t.

As dealing with the corrections meant we sometimes didn’t get through all the correspondence, which caused delays and thus more correspondence it was the simplest thing to do.

Mums and Dads are likely to write jointly to their children, it’s the only example I can think of where people might jointly sign an email

Actually DH and I have a joint email which we use for household stuff -utilities etc - and we often both sign emails sent from that account because it increases the chances of their agreeing to talk to either of us, rather than just the one who made the initial contact.

I have 5 other email accounts of my own for various purposes, so I don’t feel that having one joint one is detrimental to my individuality.

“Dear first name Last name”

Yes, you can come at xyz time. Please do let us know if any other parents/carers will be attending by confirming their full name. We look forward to meeting you.”

How hard is that? People saying you’re overreacting but I don’t think so

"How hard is that? People saying you’re overreacting but I don’t think so"
Not hard at all. The version I suggested earlier is even shorter!

Quakers.

John Smith, Jane Jones. No titles - ever. I'd be perfectly happy with that across the board.

I don't think yabu op, it's the kind of thing I pick up on too. In fact I've just changed the contact form from Mum & Dad to Parent/Guardian 1 & P/G 2 since becoming class rep as I know lots of lone and same sex parents or families where the father is primary carer.

If you were Outraged or Mortally Offended then maybe your detractors have a point, but certainly YANBU to be surprised.

I don’t get why so many responses are so nasty.
It is these tiny interactions, multiplied a billion times a day, that perpetuate the heterocentric patriarchy that caused the tremendous mess the world is in.

To say OP is being accused of overreacting, there are a lot of people overreacting on this post. I agree. I haven't changed my name to my husband's. Recently moved house and had to chase several various places to correct documents where I'm incorrectly being named his name or titled "Mrs Maiden Name". Been wearing the same name 30 years and now I have to fight for it. It's a ballache men just don't have to live with. I agree with OP. Not hard to use "Ms" or "partner" as a catch all and a much better solution than getting angry telling people who don't fit the mould to just suck it up.

Op, as a single mum, I never married, and have a different surname from my ds.

I am called Miss Ex, Mrs Ex, Ms Ex, Ms Senior, Mrs Senior - all wrong.

I couldn’t care less, as long as ds is getting the best education I can find him. The teachers have better things to worry about and I’m sure they don’t do it on purpose.

They probably use a template.

Get a grip

I thought I'd copy and paste an earlier post of mine because I still really want to know the answer!
"Can I ask why the people who are so.....emphatic.... about this are so emphatic?
What is it about "Dear Bertrand Russell. I am looking forward to meeting you on Monday. Please could you let me know the names of anybody who is coming with you. Thank you. Best wishes Wackford Squeers" that makes you so cross?"

We say 'will anyone else be attending with you?' at my school to book open days due to the point OP makes.

The teachers have better things to worry about and I’m sure they don’t do it on purpose.

Of course they do it on purpose. And teachers should be at the top of the list of people who should worry about perpetuating sexist and heteronormative conventions.

I think I'd be a little surprised too - I'd expect as Bertrand says, my first/lastname or Ms Micke (depending on how I'd signed off the email)

My kids have been to multiple schools, and I actually take it as an indicator of how on the ball with paperwork they're going to be - the ones that assume tend to have other issues (DP and I have different surnames, our kids have different surnames, we're not married)

I agree it’s these kind of attitudes that mean that gay people/families have to ‘come out’ over and over. In my daughters class 2 at least two families are gay and many are not married, so pretty common. Its hardly the same as assuming someone is human.

They sound like they were just trying to be polite and in fairness if the school are expecting visitors they need names and details for safety reasons

We have a very disadvantaged catchment area with many complex family relationships. Anything we do that suggests we think families consist of a married mum and dad with 2.4 children and a Labrador further alienates an already alienated cohort of parents. It does matter.

I have a different surname to my daughter. In emails to nursery and now school, I always give my daughters first and surname, then sign the email with my first name, followed by my full name with surname below it. I never use my title (Miss for what it's worth). Occasionally I get called Mrs (daughter's surname) but we just laugh about it.

Get over yourself. Ffs.

When you have nothing left to worry about ...

Funny how some people don't seem able to see the posts explaining why this sort of thing is important......

Of course it matters! It matters hugely. It's wrong to make sweeping assumptions about childrens' carers.

All official correspondence from my dc school comes addressed as "Dear parent/carer" which seems to cover all eventualities fine. If I have personally sent in an email I will get a reply "Dear Ms". Also fine. It's not difficult.

If you didn't give them your name or the info they needed to correctly reply, yes you are being unreasonable. Sounds like you were trying to catch them out.