To be worried about MIL after vodka in DD's juice?

[libbylove]

A couple of weekends ago we had Sunday lunch with my in-laws. My mother in law had some juice in a lemonade bottle that she told me she'd made herself. She gave me a glass and told me it wasn't alcoholic. I double checked this and she swore blind that it was just juice. It tasted just like juice, nothing strange about it - and it was like 11am so I didn't think any more about it.

Later on during the meal my 3.5 year old daughter needed a drink so I asked my mother in law what to give her. She said anything on the kitchen counter would do so I poured my daughter a cup of the juice and thought no more about it.

Two hours or so later my mother in law was a bottle or so deep in white wine. I was having a joke with someone and she pointed at me and accused me of being drunk. I replied that there was no way I could be drunk because I'd only been drinking the juice she made.

She then chose to reveal that this "juice" was made from 50% tropical J2O and 50% neat vodka. She'd given it to me mixed with flat lemonade, but I'd given it to my toddler as was. And I had no idea how much my daughter had drunk. My father in law said her cup was full when he cleared the table - but I'd only filled it 2/3rds full so that didn't add up. Meanwhile my mother in law's reaction was "well, you gave it to her." as if I know it had vodka in it!

The whole next day my daughter was down in the dumps, didn't eat, had a headache, was dizzy and was generally too ill to go to nursery. My husband was at work so when I told her she'd been ill all day (despite the fact she'd been up three times in the night and uncharacteristically wet herself twice the day of the juice) he alternately said it was down to her recent injections/me overreacting. I had to flat out accuse him if gaslighting me before he accepted that maybe the whole situation was not ideal.

The in-laws have previous - when DD was barely walking they took her out and got her badly burned with splinters in her feet from walking on a pier with little/no sunscreen. She nearly ended up in a burns unit, and me and my husband had to hold her down as a doctor pulled out a dozen or so large splinters.

My husband has now started arranging for my daughter to stay with them for a few days. I'm not sure what to say about this - he wants me to have the conversation with them because it's me that's unhappy, but I almost need a script or something. Do I say they can't look after her? Do I say they need to take better care? Or am I, as my husband thinks, overreacting?

This can’t be for real

What’s the nursery ofsted rating got to do with anything?

You said you’ve got issues with conflict. I would say it’s more than that. I’m not sure why it matters that these people love your DD. Your dd is worth more than the risk of alcohol poisoning etc etc at the hands of “loving” grandparents

‘MIL it is our impression that you are very stressed and possibly drinking more than you ought to be. I am incredibly upset that you gave me an alcoholic drink without my knowledge and that you were not concerned that dd had ended up with an alcoholic drink which made her ill. We love you, we care about you. However, until we are confident you are OK and not drinking excessively, we can’t go ahead with you looking after dd. We will still bring her over.’

Never mind the bloody nursery, HER PARENTS should be safeguarding this poor child, not letting these incidents go so as not to upset her abusers. At this rate, she'll be getting removed to a place of safety as she can't be kept safe by her family.

I'd be telling my DH he had two choices:

1. He grows a pair and tells him DM that DD will not be going there unsupervised again.
2. He packs his bags and moves back home with them.

The fact that she is drinking to cope with FILs condition only makes it worse I am afraid. How you could even consider leaving a child with someone who you assume is under the influence is baffling. You know the answer to this, you just need to stand up for your child and deal with it.

@believeitornot I just don't want people out there worrying that a child is in danger. I know that what's happened is truly awful and I don't want anyone lying in bed worrying that my daughter is continuing to be put in harm's way from my poor parenting decisions. I clearly made a bad choice not calling 111, although I did of course stay with her all day and monitor her closely. But what I did was a huge mistake and I feel awful about it.

You say I know my daughter has been treated badly but then consider leaving her with the very people who caused the burns and gave her alcohol.

The fact that your mum also said not to take her to A&E makes it all sound even worse. It’s like no one in this little girl’s life is able to judge what to do to keep her safe.
We all misjudge situations from time to time but what you describe sounds really extreme and I can’t imagine anyone I know (even the most laid back parents) not seeking medical advice if their young child had consumed an unknown amount of alcohol and was presenting the symptoms you describe.

I’d be worried about what other poor decisions you/her dad/your ILs/your mum are going to make next that could cause her even more harm.

Is there a parenting course you and DH could go on as your reaction and response (or lack of) to the situations you describe just seems completely off.

Your DD being happy, clever and at a nursery with a particular ofsted rating won’t keep her safe if the adults in her life can’t make decisions that protect her from harm.

It’s actually quite concerning that you even mention the above in response to posters concern for your daughter’s safety and well being.

“We are both non confrontational” Who the fuck cares if you or your husband are or aren’t comfortable telling his parents you won’t have them supervising your baby? Clearly she’s been harmed when she got sunburned and splintered and then drunk on vodka! How the hell can you justify not taking her to the nearest A&E? These are text book examples of child negligence at the very minimum and your husband doesn’t agree?

Your husband is a fucking idiot. As for his parents, they should never see your DD again after what they did to your DD. They could have killed her. You should have gone to A&E and called the police. They deserve nothing after that. And your husband suggesting she stay with them now for a few days?! Has he lost his fucking mind? If you allow your child stay with people who knowingly gave you a drink which was spiked and then said nothing when you gave it to your child, then if social services got wind of it, you will have a whole host of problems.

Who cares if your in-laws feelings are hurt? They poisoned your DD. Fuck them. And if your husband thinks this is ok then LTB. You should go to the police though and get this on the record just in case.

Your mistake is quietly accepting this batshit behaviour from your ILs!!

There must be a huge backstory as to why you feel like you cannot set a firm boundary to protect your child. More so the issue with your DH behaving like an utter twat by turning a blind eye to the disgusting way his own parents have treated his child. And somehow making you feel like their behaviour is your fault!

You need help OP, you should be outraged. After the splinters and sun burn incident PIL should never have been allowed near that child.

Child safety has to come first, over and above "politeness" "saving face" or whatever bullshit pressure is being put on you. It even comes above staying married to their father. Sorry.

And it sounds like your own mum is just as stupid as the rest of them that as a former health visitor she didn't see the need in a 3 year old going to A&E after drinking vodka! If you have a gut feeling about something, go with it. Don't just let all these idiots gaslight you.

How fucked up! Protect your daughter, don’t give in.

And by the way, even your thread title is really bloody odd. Your AIBU is that you're worried about MIL in all of this?!! Yes YABU to be worried about MIL. The only person you should be worried about is your poor DD who cannot protect herself against those awful people.

Neither of us like confrontation.

Unfortunately you're going to need to decide what you like less: confrontation or your daughter being put in harm's way by people who don't seem capable of forward thinking?

My husband is concerned that if he tells his folks DD can't stay with them alone any more, they'll be so incredibly upset they'll never want to see us again.

This is a classic bully strategy – scare people off making complaints about your behaviour by reacting disproportionately to criticism. It should be another clear sign to you that your inlaws are unreasonable and inappropriate as sole caregivers.

Your DH is being a total melt by not backing your corner. What a spineless mommy's boy! Any idiot with two eyes can see they aren't fit to take care of her unsupervised. They're his parents, he needs to be having that conversation instead of scape goating you.

Find it bloody shocking a HV wouldn't advise you seeking medical care for your hungover 3 year old 

Under. I circumstances on earth would I be letting them look after my child.

“We’re going to couples counseling” What, on your way to picking up your parents of the year award? Bring his parents and then you’ll all get village idiots award as well.

Yanbu.
My DM is similarly irresponsible so we see her regularly but she never has sole charge of the DC. It’s doable but you really need to manage it.

I’m the early days we got lulled into a false sense of security a couple of times. We haven’t made those mistakes again.

Love your Mil for who she is but don’t mistake her for a decent parent substitute.

She lied about what was in the juice.
She had the opportunity to tell you to avoid it when asking about what was available for your dd to drink and didn't.
She is an idiot. If she loves your daughter so much, surely she would be mortified about the sunburn, splinters and alcohol.

As to your decisions and quandry, you are listening to the wrong people. Listen to your gut and act on it no matter what the alternative voices say.

Your mum is out of touch. If your gut tells you to act on something, stop looking for validation from those around you.

Your dh needs to wake up and smell the coffee. If you cannot trust them to safeguard your child, don't let her be with them for two days.He did not have to handle the outcome of the "juice" but seems to think it was not a serious breach of trust. What if you were driving? Taking antibiotics? Does he honestly believe this behaviour is ok?
You need to work on your assertiveness.

They need to know, all of them, that this will not be happening.

Report of the situation after a 2yo drank 2oz of vodka. If the Op's child had a beaker full of 50% vodka I'd guess they drank around double that. I think the OP would have noticed very quickly if they had drunk that amount.

A 2-year-old child found a bottle of vodka on a coffee table, removed the screw cap, and drank about two ounces. His father found him unconscious and called 911. When the paramedics arrived, the child was in a coma. The child was taken to the emergency room, where his blood alcohol level was very high, 248 mg/dL. The local hospital couldn't care for critically ill children; he was flown by helicopter to a hospital with an intensive care unit for children.
The child could not breathe on his own, so a breathing tube was put into his throat and he was put on a ventilator to breathe for him. He was given IV fluids and his blood glucose levels were checked every hour to be sure they didn't drop too low. The child remained in a coma for several hours.

You're allowed to be a fun sponge especially in these circumstances. If I were you I would own it and wear it like a badge of honour.

Accidents happen and they are OK but your PIL clearly couldn't give a shit about them and that's the red flag.

No chance in hell would I leave my DC with people like this. There is nothing wrong with limiting contact to when you're around.

I would be livid and honestly just refuse to allow them around her. The burns this is awful!! I don't know how you came back from that tbh.

She sounds like she has a drinking problem. Husband sounds stupid and unaware.

This is an incredibly distressing thread.

Please please listen to the scores of posters telling you that you should be genuinely concerned and dealing with the risks your PIL pose to your DD. If you can’t do this, then you’re a risk yourself. How can anyone stand to hear that they’re not protecting their DD and just keep making excuses?

I am worried for your poor DD. I agree with the poster that said your MIL had the opportunity to say, that fruit juice is half VODKA when you were asking what to give DD to drink.

The thought of not having control over where my DD goes and who looks after her sends me into a panic. You need to either be strong and set firm boundaries or you need to get in touch with a third party like SS to help you achieve this. Poor little girl :(