To be worried about MIL after vodka in DD's juice?

[libbylove]

A couple of weekends ago we had Sunday lunch with my in-laws. My mother in law had some juice in a lemonade bottle that she told me she'd made herself. She gave me a glass and told me it wasn't alcoholic. I double checked this and she swore blind that it was just juice. It tasted just like juice, nothing strange about it - and it was like 11am so I didn't think any more about it.

Later on during the meal my 3.5 year old daughter needed a drink so I asked my mother in law what to give her. She said anything on the kitchen counter would do so I poured my daughter a cup of the juice and thought no more about it.

Two hours or so later my mother in law was a bottle or so deep in white wine. I was having a joke with someone and she pointed at me and accused me of being drunk. I replied that there was no way I could be drunk because I'd only been drinking the juice she made.

She then chose to reveal that this "juice" was made from 50% tropical J2O and 50% neat vodka. She'd given it to me mixed with flat lemonade, but I'd given it to my toddler as was. And I had no idea how much my daughter had drunk. My father in law said her cup was full when he cleared the table - but I'd only filled it 2/3rds full so that didn't add up. Meanwhile my mother in law's reaction was "well, you gave it to her." as if I know it had vodka in it!

The whole next day my daughter was down in the dumps, didn't eat, had a headache, was dizzy and was generally too ill to go to nursery. My husband was at work so when I told her she'd been ill all day (despite the fact she'd been up three times in the night and uncharacteristically wet herself twice the day of the juice) he alternately said it was down to her recent injections/me overreacting. I had to flat out accuse him if gaslighting me before he accepted that maybe the whole situation was not ideal.

The in-laws have previous - when DD was barely walking they took her out and got her badly burned with splinters in her feet from walking on a pier with little/no sunscreen. She nearly ended up in a burns unit, and me and my husband had to hold her down as a doctor pulled out a dozen or so large splinters.

My husband has now started arranging for my daughter to stay with them for a few days. I'm not sure what to say about this - he wants me to have the conversation with them because it's me that's unhappy, but I almost need a script or something. Do I say they can't look after her? Do I say they need to take better care? Or am I, as my husband thinks, overreacting?

@libbylove why would you phone the social services on yourself?!?! I really hope you are just saying that to appease the judgemental people on here because that could make it a lot worse for everyone! What will involving the social services do for you? I have heard and seen so many horror stories where children get taken from capable and loving families because of one silly thing happening. What are you expecting from them? A love and a laugh? Or your child taking off you or being on their radar for years to come? Yes you screwed up by not taking her to the A&E but she is ok and you obviously love and care for her tremendously. What you do going forward is the most important thing here i.e. standing your ground with your husband and in-laws. I think you may have opened a massive can of worms now with social Services so I wish you all the best and hope you keep your little girl.

I don't think SS will do anything. The bar is so high for their involvement these days. OP, this thread is really upsetting to read. I hope you're okay.

You aren’t the worst mother in the world by a long chalk but you are putting your ineffectual spineless twat of a husband and his alcoholic mother ahead of your daughter.

So if the splinters were so shallow she didn't notice, how were the pils supposed to notice?

I think you've been given a hard time here, and that's probably been very hard, but what will prevent you from getting another kicking later is not letting your PIL have this confrontation. You and your DH absolutely must avoid "sitting down to have a big discussion about this," because that will be an incredibly high-pressure confrontation, which is your PILs' chosen ground. This is where they are always strongest, and you must avoid them having the opportunity to bully you again, and, I fear, bully you worse than they have ever bullied you before. If you and your DH hate confrontation (and you clearly do), this will be the worst thing for you!

Best now to step back, keep not-engaging about a visit by DD to them. If they try to demand anything (either demand the visit or "demand to know why"), you don't have to answer until you're feeling braver. Have you heard of the "grey rock" technique? Not-engaging could be a really good way of dealing with extreme and drama-loving bullies if you don't have the stomach for confrontation.

Your alternative plan/ additional safeguard, of getting other people involved (SS, your HV, nursery, whoever you can get involved) is also a sound idea. It's hard standing up to bullies on your own (this goes for you and your DH) but with objective, outside, authoritative support, you can!

For the first time ever, I'm actually hoping that this thread isn't true, because it's so horrifying and worrying.
I also agree with every single word of the post by VanillaBeans Fri 26-Oct-18 00:57:34

To begin with she gave you alcohol, telling you that it was not alcohol. That is not ok before even considering what happened to your daughter.

My husband and I spoke to a health visitor on speakerphone earlier - SS put me straight through to them after hearing my story. After listening to everything (back story, my husband's view etc) we all agreed that visits will be supervised until I'm happy that my daughter is in safe hands and that my mother in law is no longer drinking. Before that my husband is going to sit down with his parents and me and lay out all of our concerns, and we're on the same page now.

The health visitor was more concerned about my mental well-being than my daughter's. She said that it's very easy for people to throw stones on the internet and that no parent is perfect - but that in this case (with all of the details and facts in front of her, including medical notes that I'd insisted on when my daughter had sunburn) I'd done the right thing at every stage and have been far more diligent in tracking and managing this than most other people usually are. I have terrible self esteem and this has made it so much worse.

I'm going to try and stay away from this thread now for the sake of my mental health. Thank you all for your advice.

my mother in law really loves my daughter (dotes on her, and also occasionally babysits my sister in law's toddler during the week - my husband pointed out that his sister hasn't had any problems) and I know she wouldn't hurt her on purpose but she just doesn't think sometimes.

I was brought up with an alcoholic parent.

One way my mother would try to 'hide' her drinking was to get everyone else around her to have a drink so what she was doing was normal.

I have a vivid memory of my mum and me in the kitchen icing a Christmas cake and doing some other cooking and she kept giving me, 'chef's tips'.

I have no doubt her glass was much larger than mine but the 'tips' was sweet sherry and I was about 7, maybe 8.

Please keep your little girl away from them.

@libbylove you can hide a thread if you need to.

fun sponge? Slivers so small they didn’t bother your dd but had to removed by physicians? DD seen at burns unit but released with over the counter care? This thread is both confusing and worrying.

Well done for seeking help OP. Obviously it’s hard to tell but it does comes across as though you are minimising still.

we all agreed that visits will be supervised until I'm happy that my daughter is in safe hands
I’m unsure why you are even considering unsupervised visits to people who can’t prorevt your DD. This shouldn’t even be a conversation.

The health visitor was more concerned about my mental well-being than my daughter's.
This doesn’t surprise me, I think most people would be concerned for the mental health of any parent who didn’t seek medical help in that situation and who is considering access to your PIL after what you describe. It really isn’t a normal response so they are bound to be concerned.

that in this case (with all of the details and facts in front of her, including medical notes that I'd insisted on when my daughter had sunburn) I'd done the right thing at every stage and have been far more diligent in tracking and managing this than most other people usually are
But being diligent when she is in hospital is irreverent.
The problem is that you are considering allowing the same people to look after your DD again knowing what’s happened.

It's up to you but I don't think the discussion with your ILs will go well. On other sites this is sometimes referred to as a "come to Jesus meeting" or a CTJ. 99.9% of the time it is a disaster.

What will likely happen is that your MIL will get defensive about her drinking, claim she did nothing wrong, burst into tears, and say that either she won't see your daughter at all then or (don't know if this is a thing in the UK but it is in some jurisdictions) she'll go to court for grandparent rights.

I'd suggest just sending an email saying that there will be no unsupervised visits until further notice.

This story does not make sense.