To be worried about MIL after vodka in DD's juice?

[libbylove]

A couple of weekends ago we had Sunday lunch with my in-laws. My mother in law had some juice in a lemonade bottle that she told me she'd made herself. She gave me a glass and told me it wasn't alcoholic. I double checked this and she swore blind that it was just juice. It tasted just like juice, nothing strange about it - and it was like 11am so I didn't think any more about it.

Later on during the meal my 3.5 year old daughter needed a drink so I asked my mother in law what to give her. She said anything on the kitchen counter would do so I poured my daughter a cup of the juice and thought no more about it.

Two hours or so later my mother in law was a bottle or so deep in white wine. I was having a joke with someone and she pointed at me and accused me of being drunk. I replied that there was no way I could be drunk because I'd only been drinking the juice she made.

She then chose to reveal that this "juice" was made from 50% tropical J2O and 50% neat vodka. She'd given it to me mixed with flat lemonade, but I'd given it to my toddler as was. And I had no idea how much my daughter had drunk. My father in law said her cup was full when he cleared the table - but I'd only filled it 2/3rds full so that didn't add up. Meanwhile my mother in law's reaction was "well, you gave it to her." as if I know it had vodka in it!

The whole next day my daughter was down in the dumps, didn't eat, had a headache, was dizzy and was generally too ill to go to nursery. My husband was at work so when I told her she'd been ill all day (despite the fact she'd been up three times in the night and uncharacteristically wet herself twice the day of the juice) he alternately said it was down to her recent injections/me overreacting. I had to flat out accuse him if gaslighting me before he accepted that maybe the whole situation was not ideal.

The in-laws have previous - when DD was barely walking they took her out and got her badly burned with splinters in her feet from walking on a pier with little/no sunscreen. She nearly ended up in a burns unit, and me and my husband had to hold her down as a doctor pulled out a dozen or so large splinters.

My husband has now started arranging for my daughter to stay with them for a few days. I'm not sure what to say about this - he wants me to have the conversation with them because it's me that's unhappy, but I almost need a script or something. Do I say they can't look after her? Do I say they need to take better care? Or am I, as my husband thinks, overreacting?

You don’t need to report yourself to social services. What exactly would that achieve?

What you need to do is stop contact with your ILs and tell them and your DH why. If he isn’t happy with that then he needs to leave until he understands and can commit to keeping your child safe.

Your updates tell me you probably won’t do any of that though.

Although Calming has a very good point.

It makes me laugh on these posts when people reply “if this is true”

Why? The amount of made-up shit and troll threads on here is astounding.

I think you should get help and support. You didn't nothing wrong here. She SPIKED YOUR DRINK. You weren't thinking straight afterwards because honestly, its insane.

I do think you should talk to someone about what happened. You were the victim of the spiking too. Stop beating yourself up and get some help.

Good luck.

There is no way I'd let them have sole care of DD.
MIL gave you alcohol without your permission (in other words she spiked your drink) and she didn't check what your DD was drinking knowing the 'juice' was alcoholic.
Your MIL has alcohol issues and cannot be trusted to keep your DD safe.
In fact if it was me she'd be bloody lucky if she ever saw me or DD again after that stunt.

I'm surprised you couldn't tell something was about 1/4 vodka. Do you also typically drink a lot? It's very odd not to be able to detect vodka in a drink at 11am.

That aside. Your MIL did harm your DD on purpose. She knowingly allowed you to give your DD a strongly alcoholic drink. If you DH and PIL will not see that and can't be trusted, then you have to step up and ensure it never happens again.

*The child should be removed from your care and placed with a loving, responsible family who can and will take care of her.

I hope someone in RL reports you to social services.*

It's all getting a bit hysterical now, I think the OP has taken the point that she needs to do more now to protect her child. Your mother in law is clearly a complete moron (that's putting it charitably), but that doesn't really matter because you don't live with her, she's not your child's parent. That problem is solved by not letting her see your child unsupervised or just not seeing her at all. Could you go to the doctor and explain what happened, get your child checked over for peace of mind? I'm sure any doctor would take a very dim view of what happened and could make sure your husband understood why and what the consequences could be.

Your husband is a different matter. If he can't see the problem here he definitely needs counselling so that is a good idea. However if you two can't come to an agreement on the matter then you need to think very carefully about what to do next - are you prepared to walk away from him over this?

If so definitely get your child to the doctor and explain what happened so the vodka incident is at least on record because if you two split then he can do whatever he likes with your daughter during his time with her unless you can prove she would be in danger.

@libbylove you are NOT a bad mum AT ALL! My sister who puts heroin before her DC is a BAD MUM! Ignore these idiots and just don't let your DC be alone with your MIL and from now on take your own drinks! X 

I find it incredible that your DD had such severe sunburn that she "nearly ended up in hospital" but was sent home to use after sun, and that at the same time a medical professional pulled out a dozen "large splinters" from a screaming writhing toddler, without a referral to child protection. I also find it difficult to believe that your DD could walk enough to get so many splinters in her feet, without refusing to walk once she had one or two; was she literally dragged and you didn't notice? Was she only sunburned on a very small area, such as hands and feet, with the rest covered?

As a non-drinker, I think it would be very unusual for you to not notice a 25% vodka drink, and to be able to drink four of them without noticing - if the glasses were the same size each time, you effectively drank one full glass of vodka - even if it was a very small tumbler, a full glass of vodka would knock out pretty much anyone except a hardened drinker.

I hope I am doing you a disservice, but this really doesn't add up. At best you have a coercive and abusive husband and family, at worst you are potentially a neglectful parent who thinks because her child goes to a good nursery everything is okay.

MN admin please delete this comment if you think it is out of line, but I am concerned for both OP and her child, as this really doesn't feel right.

You are not a bad Mum. We all get things wrong, especially when we have people around us minimising the most appalling behaviour.

But you would be a bad Mum if you let your dd spend any time at all with these people without supervision.

You need support - have you got anyone in RL who you can talk to? What’s your GP or Health visitor like?

Username - quite.

I wouldn't be letting them have her alone again just due to the sun burn and splinters when she was younger. They clearly don't know how to look after her just from this one issue. The drink is also an issue but MIL is clearly able to argue against that ( not that I agree with her) but the sun burn is just pure stupidity on their part and easier for you to argue your point with iyswim.

I'm trying to get through to someone to report myself but am having problems. When I told them about this, social services told me to ring my health visitor and I've left messages with them this morning including my name and number.

I don't know precisely what percentage of vodka was in the juice. I wasn't there when she made it. I genuinely didn't taste it and I don't drink often (not even once a week) or binge drink so perhaps it was weaker than 50% (or 25% when I drank it with the lemonade).

At any rate I'll continue to try and get through to someone to report myself because I really want my daughter to be safe.

Fwiw I suspect this has given you a bit of a boot up the bum to trust yourself and not be persuaded by people who shouldn’t be trusted with a cuddly toy. It “feels” like the scales have fallen from your eyes.

@usernamealreadytaken They were shallow splinters from shuffling along the pier which is why she didn't notice until they were being taken out. The sunburn didn't come out properly until she came home with us - they'd applied out of date, low factor sunscreen and then not reapplied it. We went to urgent care and made sure they had all our contact details etc in case they need to report us.

Both me and my husband were crying with worry, anger and guilt which is maybe why it wasn't taken further at the time. We didn't let her stay with them for a year after that incident but we thought they had learned from it - and that my daughter was old enough to vocalise any pain or discomfort if anything happened again.

Someone from social services rang me back and I'm going to speak to a health visitor today. She told me not to worry and not to be upset but I'm bawling.

I don't agree that you should be reporting yourself here...

You had no idea what was in that drink. Would you (had you know) given your daughter alcohol? If yes than you definitely should report yourself. If no? Then you need to protect your child in order for this to never happen again and that would mean no unsupervised contact with the MIL. Although if that was me, I wouldn't take a foot in her direction again.

Regardless of whether she knew you child drank some, she knew the drink would have had alcohol in so she either

• lied about the drink having alcohol in

Or she has that much of an alcohol problem, she forgot.

SS are usually in place for when parents are not actively protecting their children so my guess is that as long as you are keeping your child away from them, they won't have involvement.
(that being said, I am no expert and that is just an opinion.)

That’s good progress, well done

The main thing now is that you have support to keep your daughter safe

On the plus side OP, at least your husband's parents will still be friendly with you at her funeral. And that's what matters, isn't it?

You need to get this on record because if this couples counselling doesn't work and you and your DH split over his inability to stand up for his child, then without it your PIL will get unsupervised access to your DD.

My mother was an alcholic and would frequently try to put my children in positions of danger - almost as if to prove she was in charge and when the bad thing didn't happen (because I'd stepped in because I didn't let her have them unsupervised) she'd say of course I was overreacting and she was right. Completely missing the point that they only hadn't got lost/run over/poisoned was because of me stepping in. It was a power play and she didn't give a shit about my children.

YOU did nothing wrong intentionally. You didn't knowingly give your daughter alcohol, you thought it was juice. I don't see any need to report yourself. Stop beating yourself up, you don't deserve it, and instead focus on trying to get your husband to see your point of view. I hope it all gets sorted out.

@famishedpotato

On the plus side OP, at least your husband's parents will still be friendly with you at her funeral. And that's what matters, isn't it?

Just take a look again at what you just wrote to a frantically worried mother who has just reported herself to Social Services because of her PIL's behaviour and her husband's gaslighting. And have a great big word with yourself.

We went to urgent care and made sure they had all our contact details etc in case they need to report us.

Really? You made sure they had your details in case they needed to contact you? That's funny - given that your details are taken anyway.

You seem to want to be reported / on SS radar. This is very odd.

I genuinely didn't taste it and I don't drink often (not even once a week) or binge drink so perhaps it was weaker than 50% (or 25% when I drank it with the lemonade).

Bullshit would you not taste 25% vodka. And "not even once a week" drinking is frequent. Not drinking often would be once every couple of months.

@libbylove in your OP you and DH had to "hold her down as a doctor pulled out a dozen or so large splinters" but they were so shallow DD didn't notice them, and was this when you took her back to the ED because of the sunburn which came out after, or did you take her twice, and if so surely the practitioner would have noticed such bad sunburn too on the first visit?

It's very sad that your husband has more concern about the feelings of his adult parents than he does about the safety of his 3 year old daughter. Shame on him.

Glad to read that you've reached out for help though OP.

Don't worry about reporting yourself and yes to the people who point out she was a victim of the drink spiking too. You were pissed through no fault of your own but you were supposed to be thinking clearly about what to do (ie A&E) when others around were minimising. You were drunk - loss of clear thinking is a symptom.

I can't spot vodka in a strong flavoured drink. My DF spiked 2 bitter lemon with double vodkas when I was 10 (a lifetime ago when alcohol was less of a known problem). Four vodkas later I was pissed and vomity, and my mother went batshit at him.

If I were you I'd call you GP and get DD checked over - wherever that leads. My 2.5yo DD2 took up to 9 x 200mg ibuprofen and we didn't have SS down our necks. They were informed, but the A&E doctor was satisfied by my anger that it would never happen again (DH left them in reach - he did have man-flu so it was urgent that he had tablets to hand )