Caught 16 yo daughter smoking!

[Martind12]

my oldest daughter DD15 is a generally well rounded normal teenager. She does well in school has a good social circle of friends and we have a great relationship.
However i came home the otherday to discover her smoking a cigarette in the garden. She tried to lie and say she was just trying her first and only cigarette.
However the confident way in which she was smoking it plus the 20 packet and lighter on the table told me this wasnt a one off thing. She eventually admitted she has started smoking as of last month!!
She is the most unlikely of girls you would expect to pick up a smoking habit, generally a sweet innocent girl. She is health conscious and there’s no new boyfriend on the scene either.

She isn’t concerned about trying to stop smoking, says she is addicted, enjoys it and that it takes the pressure off from school. I’ve said she has to be open about it from now on, smoke in the garden etc and tell the whole family etc. Ive stopped her pocket money and some of her priveledges. I realise i cant physically make her stop so I feel like the only way to get through to her is to make her feel embarrassed by her behaviour, is that wrong?

I would tell her how disgusted I was with her utter stupidity.

Nah every teenager i know smokes. I smoked as a teenager as did all my friends. Its fine for parents to say its disgusting and embarrassing habit however thats not going to stop her doing it.

Could she get a vape instead? Still not ideal but far better than cigs. I was smoking at that age as I felt like it relaxed me when I was feeling anxious. Plus I wanted to look cool in front of other kids. The cost of it soon made me give up after a few months when I realised how much i’d spent and what I could have bought instead

@MarthaArthur That's certainly not true. I haven't smoked even as a teen, I've friends who also haven't. I know many did, but it doesn't mean they all do. Nowadays I hear it's even less common due to teens being health aware and more stigma around smoking.

Er, I never smoked as a teenager and don't now. None of my friends did either.

It's her choice but I would probably do the same as you as I can't stand the smell of cigarettes.

My dad made me chain smoke 2 packs until I vomited when he caught me at the same age. That pretty much put a stop to it. 🤮

I never smoked as a teenager. About three teenagers I knew smoked. They all picked up the habit from other friends (who obviously I didn’t know). It’s really not a big thing amongst teenagers as far as I am aware of. I haven’t even seen a smoksing teen fir a couple of years (have seen vaping though). Has she/her friends made new friends lately? It’s terribly disappointing OP. I really do sympathise. You seem to be handling it well.

I would be horrified that someone would start smoking in this day and age. Don't know what you can do about it though other than make her life difficult. If she only started last month, would she be addicted yet, can you stop her before she becomes addicted/more addicted? If it helps I had a friend start when we were 16 and then she gave up a few months later and hasn't smoked since (well maybe socially)

I think you need to read my post again. I said every teenager I KNOW. Unless you all know every teenager i personally know i dont know how you can say its not true. In my area teenagers smoking is common. You can even see them smoke on the way home from school and on their lunch break.

My mum caught me smoking at a similar age. She made me smoke about 30 in a row. I was green and never looked at a cig since.

Also, how will she afford to smoke? There are more than £10 per packet!

My mother's remedy was making us smoke a large cigar - if you threw up, you had to carry right on afterwards. The only one who became a smoker was my youngest sibling - my mother had abandoned the cigar remedy by then

Seriously, op - don't do the cigar (it was what our family gp recommended, but the 70s were different...) - go for the "very disappointed" and "poor choices" and flag up to her other ways to wind down/relieve anxiety, especially ones she might not have thought of

shakethatass clearly, our mothers have a lot in common

I smoked from 13, I did stop for two years many years ago and started again.

Please explain to your daughter that it now looks like I have chronic bronchitis (copd) and will probably have emathsemia (sp) soon as well.

I am 41. I wish I had never ever smoked.

Stopping her pocket money should do it. At £10 a pack I'm amazed she can afford it anyway.

Cigarettes were much more affordable when I started smoking at 14. I could buy 10 JPS for about 50p, the kind of change I could find down the back of the sofa.

I think you've hit the right line OP. You've made it clear you are disappointed but you are protecting your relationahip by allowing her to make her own choices whilst not facilitating it. Telling family is a good move too, my 30 yo sister smokes openly but not infront of our grandmother. Make sure the opportunities for her to quit are there and maybe encourage something like yoga or mindfulness to help her destress.

Yes to stopping pocket money if she's going to spend it on cigarettes.

I agree that most teenagers smoke at least have a few cigarettes, but too don't want to be condoning the behaviour (obviously!).

On the subject of cost: yes it's £10 a pack here, but if they aren't smoking often you'd be amazed at how far "the baccy from Joey's brother's trip to Spain" can go amongst teens.

I think I'd be saying "I'm going to stop pocket money - I don't mind pay £X a week for you to get some clothes you like and go out socially. I'm not paying £X a week for you to get cancer". End of.

How is she buying them? She’s two years under the legal age.

My best friend’s mum forced him to chain smoke when she caught him having a fag aged 13. He vomited and has never smoked again .

I would be pretty horrified to find any teenager who thinks smoking is still cool. I thankfully don’t see many young people smoking in the street anymore, it seems reserved for older people where I live. It’s not very trendy anymore especially since vaping has got so popular.

Oh and stopping pocket money/grounding is a great idea but she will find fags from friends if needs be. Teenagers are exceptionally devious at times...

Maybe the shops that sell them knock off for £3.50 a packet near me are selling them. Illegally sempet? Not that im condoning smoking but cigarettes are not necessarily £10 a packet and if some shops swll knock off they probably are not too bothered by the legal age to buy them either.

My 17yr old smokes.
I've given her the lecture but ultimately it's her choice, it's a bad choice but it's hers to make.
She earns her own money with two part time jobs, and goes to school too.

semper*

I think what I would do is start her on a vape, where you can gradually lower the nicotine content until it's at zero.

The all guns blazing approach may perhaps lead her to being devious in order to smoke.

Also, it's illegal for a 16 y/o to buy/smoke so she's getting them somehow already.

I sympathise, OP!

I agree that I think you have done the right thing here - you accept you can't stop her, but you can let her know how disappointed you are, not facilitate her purchases and set ground rules for the house.

Do you have any relatives who have smoked and quit? They might be in a better position to talk to her having been there.

I would suggest vaping but honestly at that age I just don't think any addictive nicotine product is a good idea and better to try and get her to stop completely. Everyone I know who vapes is a vape bore, constantly sucking on a vape 24 7.