Caught 16 yo daughter smoking!

[Martind12]

my oldest daughter DD15 is a generally well rounded normal teenager. She does well in school has a good social circle of friends and we have a great relationship.
However i came home the otherday to discover her smoking a cigarette in the garden. She tried to lie and say she was just trying her first and only cigarette.
However the confident way in which she was smoking it plus the 20 packet and lighter on the table told me this wasnt a one off thing. She eventually admitted she has started smoking as of last month!!
She is the most unlikely of girls you would expect to pick up a smoking habit, generally a sweet innocent girl. She is health conscious and there’s no new boyfriend on the scene either.

She isn’t concerned about trying to stop smoking, says she is addicted, enjoys it and that it takes the pressure off from school. I’ve said she has to be open about it from now on, smoke in the garden etc and tell the whole family etc. Ive stopped her pocket money and some of her priveledges. I realise i cant physically make her stop so I feel like the only way to get through to her is to make her feel embarrassed by her behaviour, is that wrong?

Obviously its a stupid rhing to take up but some of the respinses on here are a bit hysterical, i woyldnt make too much of a fuss and let her realise herself its not big or clever and makes your hair and clothes stink.

It is time to revoke all privileges. She goes to school, straight home, and nothing else. She has shown she lacks the mental ability to be trusted in any way.

I'd go down the disappointed route. Punishment won't work. She needs to stop on her own. Nearly all of my friends dabbled a bit in smoking around this age. We were all 'good' girls and we all stopped again. It was a phase.

@Purpleartichoke I wouldn't put it that far! As much as it's bad and stupid she needs to make discussions for herself, she will still smoke some way or another if that's what she wants to do.
I think Op is doing the right thing by embarrassment there's no way I would stand there and smoke in front of my family I would of been so embarrassed.

Stop her pocket money, stop her privileges, I would even research if there’s any end of life cancer hospices local to you where she can meet with / volunteer with terminal lung cancer patients.

Ok, I'm 37.I started smoking age 11. If you want me to record myself hacking and choking and coughing to the point of vomiting as I currently am in the mornings as I had a cold recently and it went to my chest as happens with smokers, I'll happily do so. Share the recording with your dd and tell her this is her future.

Draconian responses rarely work. My parents tried lots of heavy handed ways to stop me smoking. Didn't work. If anything it made me more determined to oppose them.

Vapes are not safe but seem less dangerous than tobacco. Ask her to consider that?

Yeah that will help go and stare at lung cancer patients im not sure hospices would be wanting teenagers learning a lesson by having rhem vist their patients ffs!

@AamdC - actually plenty of hospices including macmillan offer volunteering opportunities. If this were my daughter she would be made to go.

She probably already knows how bad for her it is. We were bombarded with it at school. Made no difference. We all tried it anyway.

Crikey, cancer patients aren't learning tools for a teenager smoking, what an awful suggestion.
Smoking isn't a good thing, but some of the responses on here are awful.

What's wrong with volunteering ? She didn't say stand there and stare at them did she 🤨

Cross post with you AamdC

She wouldn't be volunteering, as it's not voluntary.
She'd be there as she was made to be

Im.sure they do Cherries but its hardly appropriate sending a 16 yr old there to teach them a lesson

It rarely makes any difference to kids how bad they're told something is, they are hard-wired to try stupid shit and having a fag is just one of them.

I think the nasty weather might have more effect is she's made to stand outside to get her fix. Not having her phone whilst she is out their will take the shine off sharpish too.

Do you have any family members she particularly looks up to that can do the whole "seriously DD, that's such a [insert withering insult of the day]" and the entire family going "DD you reek, you can't sit with us"

And i doubt hospicrs would even accept a 16 yr old volunteering , ypu had to be at least 18 to join the hospital bank i expect they have similar rules .

Do you smoke Op? When my mum caught me as a teen she did the opposite (as she was a smoker) crying and wailing on me saying it was all her fault, smokers are more likely to have teens who smoke etc etc. She put her heart and soul into it. Honestly it was so mortifying I never touched one again!

A lot of the young people I know who smoke started off smoking weed and then realised that they had become addicted to the tobacco in their joints so had to start smoking cigarettes too. Is this a possibility for your dd op? Sorry I don't have any advice about making her quit xx

Hmm.

Do you want this to be the hill you die on, OP?

What will you do when she starts considering smoking weed, taking molly, etc? Are you just going to throw your hands up in pearl-clutchy despair, or do you want to be the kind of parent that she feels she can confide in ("Mum, some of my friends have started taking molly and they asked me to try some and I don't know what to do")?

I've always been open and honest with my DS about smoking, drinking, and drugs. He's had some really shit influences in his life but now as an adult he doesn't smoke cigs/tobacco, rarely drinks and uses weed sparingly, no other drugs. If I'd just thrown my hands up in horror and stopped his allowance when he first told me he'd smoked weed, things could have been very different.

For a start, he'd probably have replaced his allowance with selling weed.

As it was, he flirted with selling weed for a short period and then got very cold feet when his dealer offered him £500 to stab a rival dealer. Because I hadn't put up the barriers of parental refusal to listen, he was able to tell me about it and hear my "are you fucking stupid" lecture.

TBH I see smoking as small potatoes when you compare it to the poison of sugar that most people put in their bodies willingly each day. YMMV.

The thing is smoking id rigjtly very socially unaccetable these days yoy cant smoke in public places anymore people are not that keen on smokers smoking in parks , bus stops etc, ots a stupid habit and hopefully Op,s dd wiill tealise this teenagers and even younger kids are well aware of the perils of smoking i would under play it and hopefully she will realise its not a great thing to do i dabbled as a teenager back in the 80,s most teens did back than im not a smoker now .

Exactly.
Leave her be, she'll get over it and stop.
Make a big deal of it and you'll alienate her and she'll carry on to spite you.
Teenagers are weird creatures.

Quite BrilloHair.

I think it's quite normal teenager behaviour, to be honest.

I would even research if there’s any end of life cancer hospices local to you where she can meet with / volunteer with terminal lung cancer patients.

My father has literally just died of lung cancer, hnon smoking related). No fucking way would we have wanted some stupid little girl forced to be there because mummy and daddy can't do their own fucking parenting. What a bloody stupid idea.

I’d be so so disappointed if either of my children started to smoke . There are no smokers in our immediate families whatsoever so it’s not something they’re ever exposed to .
I’ve shown them the list of ingredients in cigarettes and photographs of the damage they can do . They are aware they’re addictive and a complete waste of money . I’m sure they may well try it at some point and tbh I’d expect then to. However there is no way on earth they’d ever be permitted to smoke at home . Just would not be acceptable under any circumstances.