I don't understand why anyone would not want a divorce after being separated for years.

[Eatcabbage]

Seriously, why on earth not?!

I don't get that: instead of the kids didn't you say she's your DM though?

If there's property and DC, and other family would be horrendous on death of one or other; not really fair on those left behind unless strong will in force.
Yeah,best to do a will orange, if he's on their birth certs he will be the first port of call. It's easy to find some one and do paternity test if needed. I have made arrangements to ensure where DC go, all discussed and agreed with DC for their peace of mind.

shrieking h has been in hospital for over 5 years and doesn't engage with anyone.
I understand what you are saying but I have no assets (literally none) and no family who could take on my 4 DC as in no family - my mum is dead, my sister lives on the other side of the world and my dad is abusive. So I pay money for a will I can't afford just so I can state "I leave nothing and there is nobody to have my DC"
Sorry if that sounds snarky, I don't mean it to but explain to me what the point is.

@Shriekingbanshee - I explained in my next post.

its taken me 6 years to get my ex husbands address from him, no shared children no shared assets just him being controlling and having no intention of paying for anything, so i have saved up the court fees and paid for it myself doing online forms , my partner shared assets and other things (his exs mental health problems) he had not done anything for 12 years since they split last two years of trying to sort out divorce has so far cost him over £4000 in solicitors fees so there are different reasons why people dont get divorced

oh and by the way the basic court fees are £590 not £350

In Scotland, as a PP said you cannot get divorced until the financial and childcare matters are agreed. It gives a controlling spouse a LOT of leverage to prolong matters, particularly if you have a child with any kind of needs which mean a separation agreement is difficult to draw up, and the courts are very reluctant to make final orders in any case. So yes, even if you raise a divorce action, it can go on for years... well, until the child does not need childcare arrangements agreed because he or she reaches majority.

issey ah my mistake. Even less chance of me being able to afford it then!

I couldn't have known that, would you preference be to just leave it to whoever to take them and put them with their f?

I imagine thats what would happen, as hes on their birth cert. If not, best to get it written down, is what I would want to do.

Do you have close friends, the DC have links with other families DC?

So that 'was' my point not knowing there's no other family and nothing to pass on. They should automatically inherit from their f also, as he sounds very unstable

I knew a couple who separated but she had numerous health problems and being married to him meant that she could be on his health insurance which she otherwise couldn’t be. So he didn’t divorce her even though the marriage had long since ended so that she could get the care she needed (this was in another country so no NHS).

When she died he was then able to marry his partner with whom he’d been living for a number of years.

I don’t know the reasons for their split but he wanted to do right by her, and made it very clear to his partner that that was how it would be before they got together.

More people should separate like that IMO. Of course many marriages do end acrimoniously but not all, sometimes two people just don’t belong together any more,so when they separate there is IMO nothing wrong with doing right by one another. You can still have a partner in the meantime,change wills and so on, and as long as you are up-front with a new partner about your arrangement with and for the benefit of your ex I don’t see anything wrong with it.

shrieking sorry - my post came across quite shitty and I genuinely didn't mean it to. I get emotional thinking about what would happen to my DC if I wasn't around.
No, the DC wouldn't go to H, he is in hospital and has been for 5 years. He doesn't acknowledge that he is a dad.
Yes I have friends, but the my closest friends are single mums of 2/3 children working full time. I don't know what the answer is. Probably move to the other side of the world to live with my sister.

As I said earlier I am in the not bothered-about getting divorced camp . We have a separation agreement in place(Scotland) and both have equal assets. We both acknowledge that our youngest dc would be very upset if we divorced as opposed to the way it is now. So not”weird” as a pp put it for us but what’s best for our family at this time.
No doubt this may change when new partners appear on the scene but if it ain’t broke....
Works for us.

Amicable split, legal separation she got his pension if/ when he died. Divorced she would have got nothing from his company pension.

Don't worry orange really. I think it's such a worry and a horrible thing to have to consider, but worth it so they know what would happen to them. I had to do similar always horrified that ex would get his abusive hands on them, and my estate should anything happen to me. It's more imperative than when together married.

What is the correct term for ppl that are married have an intimately relationship that cohabit, cos its now obviously really not what I thought it was! Noones getting divorced, or only if there money to be had!

Awesome giggly if only all could do this, so many broken so badly, acrimonious, and DC suffer. Decent ppl