I don't understand why anyone would not want a divorce after being separated for years.

[Eatcabbage]

Seriously, why on earth not?!

I've only just divorced my ex after being separated 10 years

I wanted to wait til he didn't know where I lived, away from his town and til I had saved enough for solicitors. Involved waiting til my DD had finished her education and gone to uni and saving for moving costs

if I had done it straight away I'd have caved and lost out on my entitlement, not used solicitors and done a clean break for the sake of a quiet life

As we can saee it just depends. The only thing that worries me is people thinking that in Englahd assets are divided as at date of separation whic is not true - it's often as at date of the actually divorce financial settlement (Scotland differs I think); so it's best in many cases to get on with it (but not all as seen above).

Also some people will not want to date someone who is still married so that is another reason some divorce because their new girl friend or boyfriend is not happy dating someone with all that financial complication left in their life to sort out and to be technically with someone who is committing adultery.

My issue is with someone that 'just doesnt' Xenia obvs there are loads of proper reasons for and against. But to 'just not' that's weird, when you actually have no marriage relationally.
Because yes, how messy when you haven't moved on from your non-marriage yet want to move on with a new relationship.

Good on you lubey that sounds a bit scarey having to wait til he didn't know where you lived! Hope it all worked out well for you

We haven't because me and DC are EU nationals, but X is British so we're waiting for the fallout of Brexit before going ahead. All financials etc are sorted.

I have had 2 relationships since I separated from H and, once I explained the situation they were OK with the fact I was married.
Financially I don't want a penny from H ~even though he has all the equity from our family home~ and I DO want to get divorced but I cannot afford it. It is complicated because he is in and out of hospital. Nobody will tell me where he is. I get the grand sum of £30 a month from him for 2 dc. I hate still being married to him. But I cannot magic £350 out of thin air.

He chooses not to see the kids but if I filed for divorce would drag me through court for contact only to then ghost on them again.
9 more years, then my kids will be 16 + 18 and I'll divorce him then.

It really doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Mine cost around £800 all in. Separated 3 years so was straightforward, did it all online and didn't need to hire lawyers.

£800 is a lot of money if you don't have it.

I divorced and settled the finances as soon as possible. It took five months from start to finish. But I bought ExH out of the home on a percentage basis. And, say 40% owed to him would be less of a lump sum now than when equity had built up down the years. Marriage is a business transaction, and to some it's worth severing that, to others it's worth remaining part of that.

You don't have to pay it all at once though.

I always thought inheritance was usually ringfenced and didn't count as an asset of the marriage in divorce settlements? So aren't the people waiting for exes to inherit wasting their time?

Oh orange and agree £800 is beyond reach for many women especially, left bringing up dc w/out maintenance support

So many different reasons....

I know three people who didn't want to get divorced because then they would have no excuse not to marry the person they were living with and they didn't want to.

All the time you stay married and assets are accumulating, your share is increasing - why would you push for a divorce in that situation?

I also know people who have deliberately stretched out divorces to the five years because they knew that an inheritance was likely to fall into the marital pot from the other side if they could hold out for it (it did)

you don't have to pay it all at once though

It doesn't matter if I only had to pay £5 a week. Every penny I have coming in is accounted for. To bring up my 4 DC. Whilst H is sitting on £200k equity from our home. If I don't have the money to divorce him then I don't have it. Simple. Feeding and clothing my DC is more important than getting a divorce.

I always thought inheritance was usually ringfenced and didn't count as an asset of the marriage in divorce settlements?

I think this is correct for Scotland but I don’t have a law degree so not 100% sure m.

Happy what a sick world we live in, waiting to grab belongings soon as someone dies, and hanging out for that

You say it like its a good thing? Like why wouldn't you wait and accumulate your robbing haul.

Life in the gutter

orange isn't that equity part of the divorce settlement which then you could use to pay off costs? I know its more important that he doesn't know where you are though.

Shrieking I can't afford the solicitors fees (been quoted £5k+ due to circumstances) to try and get the equity.
I can't afford the £350 for a straight forward divorce with no interest in the money!

Orangeorblackcurrant - is he living in the marital home? Did you move out when you split up?

Family member I know has been separated for 20ish years not divorced. Both have new partners... never got round to it... now there’s no point really as both in 60’s. Both have houses out right from their marriage, signed an agreement re pensions etc. Kids have been privately educated and gone through uni. To them now it makes no difference!

No, he has been on and off section for nearly 6 years but always in hospital. The house was repossessed (in his name only) but there was a lot of equity.

The people I know who didn't get divorced immediately where/are for:

1. Immigration reasons - they waited until their ex had a proper legal status in the UK. Incidentally one woman who kindly did this, her ex then turned around to try and bite her on the ass.
2. Job reasons - one person decided being divorced so without a wife would effect the jobs he could get abroad.The fact his wife had 2 children with another man by the time she filed for divorce using 5 years separation was ignored by him.
3. Abuse - if your partner is abusive and controlling then they can contest all the other reasons of divorce in England apart from 5 years separation. I know men as well as women who have claimed this - some actually started but then stopped divorce petitions - and in some cases I've seen some of their exes nasty behaviour.
4. Children - their children are teenagers so they may as well wait until they are 18.

So did he own the house before you met/married Orange? (sorry, not being nosey, just shocked that you are having to live like this, which is s unfair).

The 5yr thing is true as long as you know where your H is. If you don't you have to prove to the court you have done everything possible to find them. Then the costs start to Mount up. You can't divorce someone without them being told is what I various solicitors have told me.

He owned a house before we married. I moved in with him. Has 2 DC with him. I worked. Then we moved and he kept it with just his name on the mortgage - I became a sahm and stupid so thought it would be fine.

I know all circumstances are different but I was glad to get it over and done with straight away, then you can move on without it lingering in the background.

My dp didn't get divorced until 4/5 years after their split and it took a massive toll on our lives with months of stress (they aren't amicable.)

I also have a friend who has dc with her ex but they aren't divorced. She is still Mrs ex husbands surname and has gone on to have two other dc with her current partner who she lives with.