Dp saying horrible things in the guise of a joke

[Namechange1988]

Name change for this.
Dp has recently started being really nasty but then saying he's joking or just making rude comments in jest. Now I'm all for banter, not overly sensitive but for example we were laying down together and he came out with "when I first met you, you was sooo skinny, cute and innocent but now look at you" now don't get me wrong, I've gained weight not much but it's noticeable. I just kind of laughed it off and joked back that he was no longer a work of art himself but it really got me thinking about all the other stuff he says. Taking the piss out of my boobs as they're really saggy for my age (early 20s), will look at me and count my spots out loud and tell me how hairy my face is as I suffer with PCOS. The worst I've ever called him is the Michelin man because he's rather large, but I'd never dig at things I know he's desperately anxious about (man boobs, hair thinking etc)
I really don't know what to make from it all, I suffer with aspergers so struggling a little bit, not sure if I'm being too sensitive or if he is actually just being a bully.

Ps. Don’t waste your time or money on therapy or counselling. It will be a waste of emotional effort that will drain you for no purpose.

in all other ways we have a great relationship, very intimate and loving bar the insults.

Do you realise that is the typical statement of the abused person? He is great when he is not hurting me?

It is not loving, if it was loving he wouldn’t be saying those things. Remember, the only way perpetrators of domestic abuse get away with is by being charming from time to time, so you live in hope that is their real “self” but it is not. The real one is the nasty one they try to hide.

Have a dh who 'bants' a lot. I give as gòod as I get. We both know which topics are not suitable: weight, mh, my hormonal giant spots! BUT if I or he go too far (which is very rare) that topic is never used as 'bants' again. Never. I'm never told I'm too sensitive or can't take a joke.

If he feels shite about himself, and is trying to big himself up by knocking you down, he needs to find a different way of coming to terms with his new body.

I have a neighbour like this. I totally avoid her due to how anxious and upset she makes me feel. I had told her how it upset me so she did it all the more. A totally toxic specimen of a human being whom I avoid at all costs. The best bit is she is also very judgemental and looks down on mere mortals like me.

I’m sorry your dh is like this but only you can decide what you need to do.

Buy the book and read it

Don’t go for counselling with someone who is verbally abusing you

Get rid

Be blunt with him.

Look dickhead, constantly sniping at me and making nasty comments on my weight / skin / symptoms of my illness is really cunty - and you trying to pass it off as "joking" is complete bullshit. It is really unkind and i've had enough. If you do it again, we are over.

Either he will apologise profusely for being a wanker and never do it again:

or get defensive, claim you are being over sensitive / are you on your period etc - ie GASLIGHTING

or say something passive aggressive, back off for a bit, then start again.

For the love of all that's holy do NOT TTC with this man unless he goes with option 1 - and keeps it up for at least a year.

You KNOW he is being a cunt - do not put up with it.

My abusive ex used to do the same. It was part of much abuse but this was the part that hurt the most. Some of the comments have still stuck with me to this day.

Get rid, he is a bully.

If you're in your early 20s and is saying you're not cute and you have saggy tits etc then he is just going to get worse as you get older (imagine him after you have a baby!).

If he wants a 16yo tell him to go find one and enjoy the jail time..

I also think he's got really low self esteem and is bullying you to make himself feel superior.

You can do better.

These comments usually start when the power in the relationship has shifted and he is trying to readdress the balance.

You say he waits on you, that itself isn't too healthy as putting you on a pedestal means there is only one way to go...and it's down.

I know it is so difficult to hear comments that say Leave but if you tell him you don't like it and he continues then what choice do you have??
Anyone who refuses to hear your feelings or dismisses them is a red flag.
I wish I had learnt this lesson.

Btw, 20s is a perfect age to start again so please don't feel this is your last chance.

Projecting much?

If he makes you focus on your flaws then you'll be less likely to notice his.

Perhaps a taste of his own medicine might knock him down a peg or two, then get rid!

I know mumsnet is always quick to say ditch but i think you need to have a serious conversation about it, explain how much it hurts you and that you won't continue to accept hurtful comments like that. Spell it out for him. Either he'll take it on board or he won't but you've laid it all out. If another comment is made, that is when you end the relationship.

I had a partner like this, started off like this, slating my body, calling me oversensitive, graduated to seriously injuring me to the point that I feared for my life and lived in fear of being found for years after. You have no need to put up with being treated like this, the man doesn't like you and wants to see you suffering, that's why he speaks to you in this way. He'll see how far he can go and then go further until you see no way out so please, get out while you still can.

It will not get better. He is nasty and vicious, and he is showing you who he really is.

For the love of all things fluffy, DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY HIM.

Please don't put up with this. It is so undermining. My self esteem plunged after years of this type of thing. I began to believe it was true. After reading posts on Mumsnet I now know that this happens to other people. I am now on my own and a happier, stronger person. I hope he goes quickly out of the door and your life improves considerably. Good luck.

As others said, he's putting you down to feel better about himself. Typical narcissist.
It won't end well. He'll rather ramp up the abuse, or (which is not a lesser evil) will lower so much your self esteem that you will then be a true shadow of your former self.

It would be different if he joked about his own faults as well.

“ He’s only been doing this the last three months otherwise he’s a great guy”
I’ll translate this for you: “He’s only been verbally abusing me for three months and I feel so wounded/low self esteem that I had to go on Mums net because I’ve told him how hurtful he’s been and he won’t stop” Imagine yourself in another three,six,nine months from now how much worse will your self esteem be? Will you be even more depressed or suicidal by then? You’ve told the MFer to stop and he hasn’t-what makes you think therapy will help?
You have PCOS and I’m sure you’re working closely with your physician about it-what this man is doing is beyond the pale-you are worth more than this. You deserve respect and kindness.
“Saggy” breast’s?! I had breast cancer last year and was sooooo self conscious at plastic surgeon consult over my saggy bits and he was so kind and said “Gravity does that to everyone don’t worry about it”
Please,get out now!

You shouldn't have to justify your physical appearance to him by explaining your medical condition. He should love and accept you whatever.

When your belly is sagging after child birth, when your hair is crinkly and grey at the roots, when your physical confidence is at its lowest, will he tell you that you are gorgeous and make you feel like a million dollars? I don't think so. Please think ahead.

@TheViceOfReason is spot on - this is exactly what I would do.

He sounds like a nasty, abusive bully, and I definitely would NOT advise you to have a child with him unless he completely reforms his behaviour and treatment of you, @Namechange1988 - in fact, if he doesn't start treating you decently - as you deserve to be treated - I would get shot of him and find someone who won't abuse you!

Thank you for the generous advice. I had always thought of an abusive relationship to of been happening for a longer period of time, not that any amount of time is justifiable but not to start out the blue if that makes sense? For the past 4 years (bar the recent months) it was a "fairy tale relationship" everything I had always dreamed of and I think that is what has been clouding my judgment over his behaviour. Also I don't get hints or sarcasm, he knows this and I think (but don't want to believe) he has been using it to his advantage in this situation. I have had a talk with him today, didn't end well. He brought up the fact that I said the Michelin man comment (which was about 2 months ago may I add!!) I said it was in defence, he then went on to tell me that 2 wrongs don't make a right (true) but he is refusing to understand my point of view and doesn't see what he's doing as hurtful or mean I kept trying to explain in so many different ways but he still was in denial so I told him to leave if that's how he feels and he did. I wasn't expecting him to actually go, I wanted him to try and make it right so now I have no idea how to feel.

Well all of this crap was his way of making you the bad guy.
Be glad he's gone.
The abuse would have continued and ramped up during pregnancy / motherhood.
He is not a nice person.
Get some love and support around you.
Keep busy.
Try to ignore him and any attempts at contact.
Give yourself and bit of headspace.
Then take it from there.

Well I think he's done you a favour. If he had promised to work on it you would have hung around waiting for things to get better but nothing would change.

Assholes gonna asshole.

Or, when someone tells you who they are, listen to them.