Dp saying horrible things in the guise of a joke

[Namechange1988]

Name change for this.
Dp has recently started being really nasty but then saying he's joking or just making rude comments in jest. Now I'm all for banter, not overly sensitive but for example we were laying down together and he came out with "when I first met you, you was sooo skinny, cute and innocent but now look at you" now don't get me wrong, I've gained weight not much but it's noticeable. I just kind of laughed it off and joked back that he was no longer a work of art himself but it really got me thinking about all the other stuff he says. Taking the piss out of my boobs as they're really saggy for my age (early 20s), will look at me and count my spots out loud and tell me how hairy my face is as I suffer with PCOS. The worst I've ever called him is the Michelin man because he's rather large, but I'd never dig at things I know he's desperately anxious about (man boobs, hair thinking etc)
I really don't know what to make from it all, I suffer with aspergers so struggling a little bit, not sure if I'm being too sensitive or if he is actually just being a bully.

If a friend, or your sister, or your daughter told you that their partner was behaving in this way, what would you say to them? I would imagine that you would tell them to move on and find someone who is kind and who loves them for who they are.

Your boyfriend is a nasty piece of work. Whatever his motivation/excuse for treating you like this, it is completely unacceptable. It won't get better. You're still young, you can move on and leave this dead weight tosser behind. I wouldn't even bother with couples counselling - he's unlikely to change.

You're worth so much more than this, and I say that as someone who went through the same and came out the other side a much stronger person.

Jesus Christ don’t waste your time going to therapy with this arsehole. He’s not worth it. Leave him to it. End it now - it will end anyway (and I bet you know that really) so save yourself from wasting any more of your life.

I doubt that couples counselling would help you at all.

He is emotionally abusive, so he would just use the sessions to validate his own attitudes and behaviour towards you.

Sounds like projection to me. This is him projecting how he feels about himself onto you ... which as some people have noticed is emotionally abusive. Call him out on it and set a boundry. If he disrespects this boundary it is a red flag for an abuse man. You don't want to find yourself ten years down the line, with a few kids and feeling a shadow of your former self. Respect your self. You deserve someone who loves you wobbly bits and all (we all have them).

A joke is only a joke if both sides are laughing. He's being an arsehole.

I had thought about the cowards way out but it really seems unlikely as in all other ways we have a great relationship, very intimate and loving bar the insults. Its just so sad because I feel more anger towards him now from the way he's acting so even when he is nice usual self I can't appreciate it or enjoy it. I don't want to waste my life waiting for him to change, if ever, but I also don't want to totally throw the towel in over shit behaviour that could be changed. I'm going to contact the same therapist tomorrow and send him the appointment details on a text so it's not a conversation up for debate. Until this issue is resolved TTC will be out of the question, which I'll also mention during whilst with the therapist. I just really hope this can be changed. The sad thing is I told him the other day if he made these jokes when we first got together I wouldn't of stayed this long, but he laughed and thought it was a part of the joke (I think).

He sounds like an arsehole.

It might not be the right thing to do but every time he criticised my body I'd be tempted to reply 'Sorry Big Tits, didn't quite hear that...'

Leave the fucker. You can do better.

Thanks for the link @etino i will look into that!
@kernowgal you are right, I would be telling them that, 100% but I have also been one to give fantastic advice just shit at taking my own unfortunately. How long did it take for you to realise you needed to leave? I'm confused as to whether I'm justifying his behaviour too much or I'm just totally naive!
I have tried setting a boundary with it, maybe not clear enough to him and knowing myself probably wouldn't be clear enough to anyone! I really find it difficult when it comes down to something that could be possibly confrontational, I just try and joke around it or laugh nervously when explaining something so it stays light hearted.
Lol @Harveynicknacks I would love to have the courage to say something like that!

OP why on earth are you TTC with someone like this? Why are you trying to work at it? Why are your expectations so low?

Is this really what you think a decent relationship looks like?

I can tell you if you get pregnant he will put your pregnancy body down, then once you give birth he will complain about your baby belly and your sagged breast-feeding boobs. It will never end until you get rid.

Then you'll be a single mum and it will be harder to meet someone.

Do you really think you couldn't do better than this?

Don't waste your time and money on therapy. Just get rid of him.

Next time he makes a similar remark, tell him straight....I don’t appreciate these sarky/nasty/unpleasant comments, I don’t understand why you do it, and if you can’t/won’t understand how much it hurts me and stop doing it, then I’m not sure we’re right for each other!

in all other ways we have a great relationship, very intimate and loving bar the insults.

Abuser 101. If they were cunts the whole time their partners would leave PDQ.

OP - you have told him his comments are hurtful. a pertner who loved you would apologise and stop the behaviour.

I agree with everything that Goldmandra says. This guy doesn't care for you OP, he doesn't care. When I think of saying hurtful things like that to my DH, I feel physically sick. I couldn't do it.

Why should you put up with someone who is supposed to care about your feelings, but clearly doesn't? You deserve far better than that. Set the bar too low and all you'll get are slugs.

At least he doesn't have you fooled, you know it's not a "joke".

I totally agree with the other girls, I know youve been together 4 years and this has been happening for about the past 3 months but this behaviour pattern has now started and become established with him and the way he now thinks this is acceptable and it's really not.

I was married for 18 years I've been separated/divorced for nearly two now..
My exH was a total head fuck bastard, he could be lovely and then a flick of a switch would say stuff , how I've put weight on .. the house is a state , having just finished 3x 12 hr shifts, I was on antidepressants I believe due to his behaviour and I will never forget he used to say 'not happy today , pop your happy pill' whilst fingering the side of his temple.. our first born had colic , and he used to say 'you wanted it , get on with it' oh there is so so much ... it took me years to gain the balls to leave him with two kids in tow, as he made me feel I couldn't do it , I did and it's the best thing I ever did. Please don't take any shit from him , it's emotional abuse., I'd have it out with him , you will soon know if he loves you enough to change , but I am doubtful, but I also hope I'm wrong. please see your worth and don't be treated like this.
X

@namechange1988

PLEASE do not tolerate this. I used to be with someone who said nasty things to me 'jokingly.' When I said I was hot (in July when it was 85 F!) he told me I am hot because I am overweight (I was 10 stone and 5 foot 6.)

Also, I shouldn't wear my leotard and jeans, as it 'didn't look great,' if you know what I mean.....pinch an inch haha. And my personal fave - 'I took a pic of you from the side, but you will probably wanna bin it when the film is developed because it's not remotely flattering. Double chintastic!'

WTF? Why do that? He would also do stuff like eat the food I prepared, get 80% of the way through it, and then tell me it was 'cold.' I would say 'let me stick it in the microwave then for a minute.' 'NO' he said, 'no point now.'

What the fuck was the point in telling me? To make me feel bad, to chip away at my self esteem? Must be, coz there were no other valid reasons.

Some men have this need to make their woman feel like shit. Maybe to make themselves feel better, or maybe to make her feel so shit that she will feel 'lucky' to have him. But lots of men do it sadly.

Even my husband does stuff occasionally..... Silly stuff like saying 'get me a tenner out the cashpoint,' so I do. Then when we are halfway home, he says 'did you get a tenner out for the Chinese tomorrow as well?' And I say 'NO you never asked me to.' 'Well I would have thought you would!' he says. Fucking annoying as hell. Trying to make me feel bad for nothing. Why didn't HE get it?! What's more, we can get it when we come out for the bloody Chinese!

I have been with him for years, and it doesn't bother too much, as he doesn't do it often, and I do the same to him tbh, but yeah, I reckon most men do it... And if you say anything, you are 'too sensitive...'

You both sound bad for each other. He has an accident an puts on weight, you call him the Michelin man. He insults you. Horrible and toxic on both your parts. You both need to move on ASAP.

Stop calling them 'jokes' and call them what they are - insults. If he had insulted you from the start you wouldn't have stuck around. Why are you sticking around now? Even if he stopped do you want to be with someone 1) who is capable of being so nasty and 2) who thinks these things about you?

@AriadnePersephoneCloud rtft.

He is a nasty piece of work and I would walk the fuck away, and don't look back. Please do not have a child with this wanker.

@namechange1988 it took me nearly 18 months to get out, but really I knew within a few months of us getting together that he wasn't a nice man. I just had shit boundaries.

If you're going to have counselling, do it on your own and work through why you're putting up with his behaviour. He needs to do the same on his own. Couples counselling will only work if both partners want things to work; this man hasn't got any respect for you and that's pretty terminal.

I agree with others he doesn’t sound like a keeper and certainly not a father for your children.

However if you are determined to stay with him and tolerate/manage his behaviour (as so many women do) a good tip I’ve seen on here is when anyone makes a hurtful or nasty “joke” ask them to explain it. So if you say “that’s not funny” or “that’s a really mean thing to say” and they say they’re only joking say “I’m sorry I don’t get it? What’s supposed to be funny”. Obviously they can’t explain or when they try to they make themselves sound like a dick.

I’ve used the technique a couple of times and it’s been very effective.

Not with my DH mind. Because I have a partner who wouldn’t say anything to hurt my feelings, even in “jest”

Tell him saying nasty things with a smile on his face doesn't make them jokes. Then tell him to tell it to the wall and walk out.

I’m sorry, but it won’t get better. Why do you think the efforts you’ve made haven’t worked? He knows he’s got you on the ropes. He knows which buttons to press, and he will do it more and more. He might even let you take the piss out of him, so you know it’s not actually one sides. But it will get worse. It happened to me. Horrible comments dressed up as joking. Verbal abuse dressed up as blunt speech ‘I speak as I find, I don’t pussy foot around like you.’
Destroying deeply held beliefs (I’m just playing devil’s advocate). Putting me down in front of family friends, colleagues and boss (‘I tell the truth. I’m not a fake like you’) Hitting (‘lashing out in anger and frustration at my inability to get it right. It all started with the odd ‘little joke- (don’t be so sensitive. If you don’t like what I’m saying, perhaps you ought to make a change. Truth always hurts after all’)
He might see your point, he might change. In between attacks, she spent long periods of being ok. She can be the kindest, most supportive, generous person in the world. That’s why people can be fooled. It was a bombshell to everyone we knew when we split. She had an affair and expected me to be ok. After all, our relationship was strong, it could withstand anything. Either that, or be cross, so she could explain how my faults had driven her to have the affair. Sadly for her, my first thought was ‘Bingo! Here is your ticket!’
You’ve got your ticket now, so leg it fast. It’ll only get worse.

You need to leave. If you don’t it will destroy your self esteem and when you do leave you’ll be on the floor and it will take years and ears to get him out of your head.

Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft - you can get a pdf online if you don’t want to pay for the book.

Good luck.