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Original poster

Dp saying horrible things in the guise of a joke

115 replies

Namechange1988 · 24/10/2018 21:38

Name change for this.
Dp has recently started being really nasty but then saying he's joking or just making rude comments in jest. Now I'm all for banter, not overly sensitive but for example we were laying down together and he came out with "when I first met you, you was sooo skinny, cute and innocent but now look at you" now don't get me wrong, I've gained weight not much but it's noticeable. I just kind of laughed it off and joked back that he was no longer a work of art himself but it really got me thinking about all the other stuff he says. Taking the piss out of my boobs as they're really saggy for my age (early 20s), will look at me and count my spots out loud Blush and tell me how hairy my face is as I suffer with PCOS. The worst I've ever called him is the Michelin man because he's rather large, but I'd never dig at things I know he's desperately anxious about (man boobs, hair thinking etc)
I really don't know what to make from it all, I suffer with aspergers so struggling a little bit, not sure if I'm being too sensitive or if he is actually just being a bully.

OP posts:
Jonsey79 · 24/10/2018 21:54

I'd tell him to get to fuck and I wouldn't look back, tbh.

Shockers · 24/10/2018 21:57

I think he’s projecting his insecurities about his less than perfect body onto you. Perhaps you should suggest that to him.

Cuppatea10 · 24/10/2018 21:57

My ex was a pro at this sort of thing. Saying horrible things while laughing and saying it's a joke. I cried a few times and he thought it was funny and called me insensitive. Now I'm no longer in that relationship i can see he was being spiteful and Negging me. He tore my self esteem apart in the 2 years we were together. If you say something and nothing changes I would strongly recommend you leave him

Cuppatea10 · 24/10/2018 21:58

Sensitive not insensitive

AdaColeman · 24/10/2018 21:58

He's doing it to belittle you and make you feel inferior to him, so that he can feel better about himself.
It's unkind and hurtful, and the start of a slippery slope to bullying you. The passing it off/pretending it's a joke is a classic abusers tactic.
Run for the hills and don't look back!

Original poster
Namechange1988 · 24/10/2018 22:00

The worst of it all is even though he has gained weight, I never used it against him apart from the Michelin man time which took alot of thought on my part and was a delayed comeback to something he'd said earlier in the day. I have told him it hurts my feelings but all he says is "but I still love you don't I?" Or "I'm still with you" - anything along those lines. I'm my heart I know it's wrong, it feels wrong but I just don't understand how after 4 years he's started doing this. I know he's not having an affair, he's completely open about everything I have access to his Google account, location and phone the majority of the time so it's not that he's playing away. It feels like he gets some sort of sick thrill out of it.

OP posts:
toherdoor · 24/10/2018 22:04

He's very nasty. A joke is only funny if the other person is laughing. Otherwise you're just a prick. I'd leave over this. I would've stick around for someone to erode my self esteem.

Original poster
Namechange1988 · 24/10/2018 22:05

Also we are meant to be TTCing next year but it's really started to make me question whether I actually want to start a family with him if this continues, I'm scared if I can't conceive straight away it's going to be another thing he can use as a sick "joke", I can't imagine him to but at this moment in time I really wouldn't put it past him

OP posts:
thehousewifex · 24/10/2018 22:11

He should be making you feel like a princess all the time and be completely obsessed with you and your looks... even if you have gotten huge and hideous!

senua · 24/10/2018 22:14

Dp has recently started being really nasty but then saying he's joking or just making rude comments in jest.
Such a cliche.

It's the person who is on the receiving end of the joke who decides whether it's funny or not, not the person dishing it out.

Brokendown18 · 24/10/2018 22:15

You're in your 20s, no way does this have to be what you settle for.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/10/2018 22:18

Book yourself & him into couples therapy. Dont ask, just book it. At first he’ll no doubt see it as a god-given opportunity to tell you you’re overreacting again, but force him to go.

I can guarantee the therapist won’t find his antics funny, or your feelings ‘over sensitive’. You would have a safe space to tell him that you’re reconsidering TTC. He needs a wake-up call like this. It’s entirely possible he’s not aware that he’s actually built up a head of resentment about you that’s coming out in these ‘jokes’. He needs to be pulled up on it and firmly encouraged to explore and admit his motivations.

It’s very unlikely this behaviour will magically go away unless you address it. It’s quite likely to spread like an insidious bacteria through your relationship.

Original poster
Namechange1988 · 24/10/2018 22:19

That's the problem @thehousewifex in every other way he does, and to him by him still being with me and loving me he thinks it's ok! In so many ways he's brilliant, he's completely devoted to me and waits on me hand and foot (most of the time) but it's just the whole joking insults thing thats really got me questioning everythingSad I don't understand why and I don't want it to continue. It would be very easy for me to leave him if he had no other redeeming qualities but he does, he has alot of things that I admire and love about him. It's just I really can't let go of this one problem.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 24/10/2018 22:22

Also we are meant to be TTCing next year but it's really started to make me question whether I actually want to start a family with him if this continues,

Do NOT. This man is showing signs of being emotionally abusive, conceiving by him will see him ramp it up. He is negging you, tearing you down slowly and then once your confident is gone he'll step it up. Please start making plans to leave him.

Original poster
Namechange1988 · 24/10/2018 22:23

@Skittlesandbeer we had an appointment with a therapist about a year ago as he was suffering from depression after his accident but it was mainly for him and not related to the problems now. I think it's a good idea to steer back into the therapy direction though as he's quiet an open minded person and takes more on board when a conversation is mediated.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 24/10/2018 22:24

You are only in your 20s.

Leave him, and find someone who tells you how beautiful you are, someone who boosts your confidence and makes you feel loved.

Don't waste your life on someone who wants to make you feel bad about yourself, insecure and miserable.

TheSheepofWallSt · 24/10/2018 22:24

Fuck. Him. Off.

neveradullmoment99 · 24/10/2018 22:24

Sadly I have seen this in relationships and to be honest it is the beginning of the end of them.

mollyweasly · 24/10/2018 22:25

You are not being sensitive. He is being an arsehole. You say it's a recent thing ? Maybe he wants to split up, but instead of having that chat with you, he is saying nasty things to you in the hope that you will split up with him. He is a man coward !
Suggesting you point out he has man boobs and thinning hair and then dump him. Sorry OP. I know it's much easier said than done, but you deserve more than this.

neveradullmoment99 · 24/10/2018 22:25

He sounds like he is trying to make you hate him as a cowards way out. Get rid of him.

Goldmandra · 24/10/2018 22:26

I'm scared if I can't conceive straight away it's going to be another thing he can use as a sick "joke"

I imagine there will be far worse in store than that.

The important thing to remember here is that he should care about your feelings. If he had any idea at all that something he had said had hurt you, he should he been overwhelmed with remorse and trying to make it up to you.

This man doesn't feel remorse. He uses the fact that he has successfully hurt you as a way to go on to criticise and humiliate you.

Please don't sentence yourself and your potential child to a lifetime of this abuse.

I know that having AS will make you doubt whether you are missing something or misjudging his intentions. You aren't. Making nasty comments and then justifying them as jokes is a classic bullying/abusive behaviour. It means he can abuse you by insulting you and then by making out that you are lacking in some way for not realising it was a joke. You aren't lacking and he wasn't joking.

You should only ever consider TTC with someone if you are absolutely 100% certain that you want to be tied to that person for the rest of your life. I wouldn't want to be tied to someone who treated me like that and then excused it by saying it was a joke.

Rudgie47 · 24/10/2018 22:27

I'd get rid of him OP as he has no respect for you. Do you think you will be able to manage trying for a baby with him whilst he is carrying on like this with you?. I wouldn't be able to stand being in his company let alone anything more.
To me it sounds like he feels shit about himself so hes bringing you down to elevate himself.

elephantoverthehill · 24/10/2018 22:27

If he is making nasty jibes about your body now, think how it might escalate when you are pregnant and post pregnancy. I think he just might think that 'real women' look like 'pin ups' all the time. And by the sound of it he doesn't think that applies to men.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2018 22:29

I think it's quite likely that his behaviour comes from insecurity. He knows he's fat, unfit and losing his looks, so he is desperately trying to convince you that you are the one becoming undesirable, because he's scared you will bin him for a more attractive man.

This doesn't excuse him. What he is doing is unethical and nasty but if you had a previously good relationship, and all this obnoxious bullshit started after his own appearance started to deteriorate, it is possible that a good therapist will be able to make him see sense and pack it in. But don't waste too much time waiting for him to improve - there are other men out there.

Etino · 24/10/2018 22:30

Please don’t ttc with him.
Buy this book.
Be brave and be excited.

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