Dp saying horrible things in the guise of a joke

[Namechange1988]

Name change for this.
Dp has recently started being really nasty but then saying he's joking or just making rude comments in jest. Now I'm all for banter, not overly sensitive but for example we were laying down together and he came out with "when I first met you, you was sooo skinny, cute and innocent but now look at you" now don't get me wrong, I've gained weight not much but it's noticeable. I just kind of laughed it off and joked back that he was no longer a work of art himself but it really got me thinking about all the other stuff he says. Taking the piss out of my boobs as they're really saggy for my age (early 20s), will look at me and count my spots out loud and tell me how hairy my face is as I suffer with PCOS. The worst I've ever called him is the Michelin man because he's rather large, but I'd never dig at things I know he's desperately anxious about (man boobs, hair thinking etc)
I really don't know what to make from it all, I suffer with aspergers so struggling a little bit, not sure if I'm being too sensitive or if he is actually just being a bully.

[ACatsNoHelpWithThat]

That's not waiting on you hand and foot, that's normal in a healthy relationship. Did he pay much more into the household than you? Because if not then his longer working hours were of no benefit to you therefore there was no need for you to feel like you had to compensate by doing more housework. Otherwise I would guess he was being nice on his own terms because it made him feel good to look after you and increase your sense of dependency on him - if he had genuine good intentions to make you happy he wouldn't insult you the way he does. It costs him absolutely no time, effort or money to stop saying horrible things that he knows upsets you so why won't he he stop?

Sorry you're hurting but you're better off without him.

[Namechange1988]

When I say waited on me hand and foot, it's not a case of he literally did everything but for example if I had a long day at work he would clean the whole house, meal prep dinner and have tea and food waiting for me when I got home. We used to share housework but my working hours are alot shorter than his so when it was meant to be my day to do it, he would take over. He was great at helping me understand people's emotions, if we were at a party or social event when I would find something awkward or if I looked anxious during a conversation with someone he would interject or just be a support figure for me. We never argued as in a proper argument only bickering over usual things. We had grown up together, primary school through to college so he knew me very well. I think as alot of PPs have said, it was probably projection on his part to make himself feel better, when he suffered with depression after the accident even then he wasn't horrible or mean in things he would say just abit snappy/grumpy so all of this just seemed so out the blue. When I told him to leave I didn't actually want him to leave right there and then, I wanted to make him think this is how far he's pushed me. I'm still quite shocked, his DS phoned me last night and explained he's staying there, whether or not it's permanent I don't know but I've had NC with DP since the argument so I'm guessing it's over.

[NewMinouMinou]

Also, it seems that most of his insults, if not all, are related to your looks. It’s total projection here.

[NewMinouMinou]

You’re so young! Don’t waste your years on this douche!
You know his actions are wrong or you wouldn’t be on here asking for advice.

Have you been diagnosed formally with Asperger’s? Or has this charmer given you the benefit of his expertise?

[Liverbird77]

I have experience of this. One example: we were about to go out for a nice dinner. I was dressed up and feeling great. As we were about to leave, he told me I looked "chubby" in my skirt. Timed perfectly to destroy my confidence. There were lots of other digs about various things. I have had a few bfs like this. Note bfs. My husband always tells me how pretty I am, how much he loves me and how much he fancies me. I am 30 weeks pregnant and he still says the same. He makes a point of gently kissing my tummy. He wouldn't pass comment on food choices, or clothes - unless I asked for an opinion over something I wasn't sure about. Even then, he would say it nicely. His catchphrase seems to be"is there anything I can do for you?". He respects me. He is happy to cook and clean, as well as work full time. He is nice to my friends and encourages me to see them...either alone or for meals at our house. Other bfs tried to alienate me from friends. I think he will be a great role model for our son. Don't get me wrong, we both have our annoying habits and bicker like cat and dog in occasion. No one is perfect!!
What I am saying is that you deserve to be treated well and with respect. Please consider leaving as he will chip away at your self-esteem. There are lovely men out there who will treat you properly. Please consider it

[bowdownbeforelokitty]

He's scared shitless that you are going to find someone better looking, better body etc. so he's methodically targeting any and all insecurities and laughing it off as banter and that you are "sensitive" and "can't take a joke". Try doing same to him and you would be a massive bitch.

Do not procreate with this man or you will lose years trying to untangle him from your life. You can do better with the rest of your life. Cut your losses and leave.

[Snitzelvoncrumb]

As a pp said it sounds like he is probably upset about his appearance, and taking it out on you. I really think you need to wait before trying to have a baby, that's if you want to stay in the relationship.
You could suggest counseling, but if you don't have kids why not just go? You could meet someone amazing and be so much happier!! I was with someone who could be a bit like that, he used to make me feel awful because I wanted to get married. After we split I met my now husband, and I'm so lucky I didn't compromise on what made me happy.

[SallyVating]

No. Just no
He's chipping away at your self esteem and if it goes on then you'll be on the floor and feel like there's nothing better.

Dump the cunt

[Saracen]

Sorry I haven't RTFT.

I think it is likely that he is a loser. However, it wouldn't hurt to give him a chance. Just one chance.

Most people would have anticipated that such words would hurt you. But some don't get it. I think it has been a mistake for you to try to laugh his nasty "jokes" off. He may not have got the message that his behaviour is hurtful to you. Next time he does it, tell him straight that you don't want to hear it and you expect him to stop.

On realising just how much he has been hurting you, he should let you know that he is very sorry. And he should cut it out immediately. If that doesn't happen, you have no future with him.

[Aus84]

OP I've been with my husband for 15 years and he still tells me every morning and every night that I am as beautiful as the day he met me (which is not true by the way!) We first got together when I was 19 and he was early 20's so it's not an age/immaturity thing. Your (ex?) DP is not a nice man and I hope that he will not try to come back into your life. Find someone who is kind and treats you how you deserve to be treated.

[ACatsNoHelpWithThat]

How can he say two wrongs don't make a right unless he acknowledges that what he's doing to you is wrong?

You say he's devoted to you and waits on you hand and foot - does he really? What does that actually look like, do you literally not have to lift a finger round the house or is he merely reciprocating things you do for him? I honestly can't see how his enjoyment of being unkind to you can possibly outweigh anything else about your relationship.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

Oh, no worries, he will come back, his “parting” is just a bluff to bring you into line. Don’t fall for it.

The fact that he remembers well how he felt when you called him Michelin Man but cannot accept that he is making you feel the same way (repeatedly) shows really a potential abuser: your views and felling are of no importance, what counts is how he feels about it.

Stuff that, break the cycle, there is no need to ruin your future life for the sake of a lovely past. Take advice from the present and run as far away from him as you can.

[lifebegins50]

Op, I had this...wonderful behaviour for quite a few years and then slowly it changed until it was continual abuse. I tried to enforce boundaries but he would go silent and stonewall me, every so often I would get a "sorry you feel that way'. I would threaten to walk away but I always thought it wasn't bad enough. It did however get much worse and I had no choice but to leave. I regret not leaving earlier as he has been so damaging to me.

Abuse such as this makes no sense to a rational mind so I understand your confusion. I still don't fully understand why he was so destructive given we could have had a wonderful life but I know he had a very damaging childhood so not sure he can sustain relationships.

The cycle is called idealise, devalue and then discard. The idealise phase can last a long time and when he starts to devalue you keep remembering the good times.

A "normal" person who loved you would just apologise stop yhe behaviour and allow you both to move on.

Btw, the blaming you is very common, he will drag up anything to avoid responsibility.

[HeebieJeebies456]

he still was in denial so I told him to leave if that's how he feels and he did

Sometimes a person will be deliberately nasty to push you into breaking up with them, so they can put all the blame and responsibility onto you to avoid accepting any themselves.
They want to force you into being the 'bad' guy, so they can act the injured innocent party.
It's manipulation.
Maybe this explains the 'sudden' change in behaviour and refusal to see things from your perspective?

Or he could just be a dickhead and you've been to in thrall to see it until he ramped it up a level?

[MajorArcana]

Assholes gonna asshole. Love it.

[RoboticSealpup]

Assholes gonna asshole.

Or, when someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

[Shambu]

Well I think he's done you a favour. If he had promised to work on it you would have hung around waiting for things to get better but nothing would change.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well all of this crap was his way of making you the bad guy.
Be glad he's gone.
The abuse would have continued and ramped up during pregnancy / motherhood.
He is not a nice person.
Get some love and support around you.
Keep busy.
Try to ignore him and any attempts at contact.
Give yourself and bit of headspace.
Then take it from there.

[Namechange1988]

Thank you for the generous advice. I had always thought of an abusive relationship to of been happening for a longer period of time, not that any amount of time is justifiable but not to start out the blue if that makes sense? For the past 4 years (bar the recent months) it was a "fairy tale relationship" everything I had always dreamed of and I think that is what has been clouding my judgment over his behaviour. Also I don't get hints or sarcasm, he knows this and I think (but don't want to believe) he has been using it to his advantage in this situation. I have had a talk with him today, didn't end well. He brought up the fact that I said the Michelin man comment (which was about 2 months ago may I add!!) I said it was in defence, he then went on to tell me that 2 wrongs don't make a right (true) but he is refusing to understand my point of view and doesn't see what he's doing as hurtful or mean I kept trying to explain in so many different ways but he still was in denial so I told him to leave if that's how he feels and he did. I wasn't expecting him to actually go, I wanted him to try and make it right so now I have no idea how to feel.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@TheViceOfReason is spot on - this is exactly what I would do.

He sounds like a nasty, abusive bully, and I definitely would NOT advise you to have a child with him unless he completely reforms his behaviour and treatment of you, @Namechange1988 - in fact, if he doesn't start treating you decently - as you deserve to be treated - I would get shot of him and find someone who won't abuse you!

[Boredisboring]

You shouldn't have to justify your physical appearance to him by explaining your medical condition. He should love and accept you whatever.

When your belly is sagging after child birth, when your hair is crinkly and grey at the roots, when your physical confidence is at its lowest, will he tell you that you are gorgeous and make you feel like a million dollars? I don't think so. Please think ahead.

[Olderbyaminute]

“ He’s only been doing this the last three months otherwise he’s a great guy”
I’ll translate this for you: “He’s only been verbally abusing me for three months and I feel so wounded/low self esteem that I had to go on Mums net because I’ve told him how hurtful he’s been and he won’t stop” Imagine yourself in another three,six,nine months from now how much worse will your self esteem be? Will you be even more depressed or suicidal by then? You’ve told the MFer to stop and he hasn’t-what makes you think therapy will help?
You have PCOS and I’m sure you’re working closely with your physician about it-what this man is doing is beyond the pale-you are worth more than this. You deserve respect and kindness.
“Saggy” breast’s?! I had breast cancer last year and was sooooo self conscious at plastic surgeon consult over my saggy bits and he was so kind and said “Gravity does that to everyone don’t worry about it”
Please,get out now!

[Lweji]

As others said, he's putting you down to feel better about himself. Typical narcissist.
It won't end well. He'll rather ramp up the abuse, or (which is not a lesser evil) will lower so much your self esteem that you will then be a true shadow of your former self.

It would be different if he joked about his own faults as well.

[percheron67]

Please don't put up with this. It is so undermining. My self esteem plunged after years of this type of thing. I began to believe it was true. After reading posts on Mumsnet I now know that this happens to other people. I am now on my own and a happier, stronger person. I hope he goes quickly out of the door and your life improves considerably. Good luck.