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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

370 replies

Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 15:22

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

OP posts:
Weathermonger · 24/10/2018 16:29

A child - boy or girl - with or without SN - doesn't have to be aggressive in themselves, however to another 5 yo who has REPEATEDLY told someone to stop touching them, (and we're talking daily for 2 months, not a couple of isolated incidents) and yet they persist (regardless of whether it's SN, sensory, or just plain curiosity) that behaviour does come across as aggressive.

BarbarianMum · 24/10/2018 16:29

Touching someone who doesnt want to be touched is not "being nice" though is it? But yes, violence should be the last resort it is a resort though

NorthernRunner · 24/10/2018 16:30

I would talk to the teacher in person but i would also write my concerns to the head in an email.
I can understand your dd not wanting to get in to trouble herself, and I can appreciate she doesn’t like the contact.
Please try not get angry at the little boy though. He is 5, and has sensory issues. He isn’t doing this to be annoying or because he is naughty. However he does need to be told that not everyone likes to be touched constantly and that’s ok.

Failingat40 · 24/10/2018 16:31

Blood hell, so much horrible venom on this thread!! It's a five year old kid ffs!!

He likely has sensory issues, he is not doing it to annoy her or be a nuisance and the fact you and others are encouraging him to be attacked are disgusting!

This is a safeguarding issue between you and the school, keep the kids out of it. If your dd is too silly to sit being stroked without moving away then the teacher has to make sure they are kept separate.

The attitudes towards boys on MN is sometimes absolutely abhorrent.

Rebecca36 · 24/10/2018 16:32

Your daughter's teachers need to take this issue far more seriously. Talking to the boy is obviously not enough, it isn't working.

You can't condone violence but no-one would blame her for shouting at him and pushing him away. However it shouldn't have to come to that. The school are at fault here, go in and make a fuss. The boy is a menace. I'd be distraught if it was my son, things like this must be nipped in the bud.

Gottagetmoving · 24/10/2018 16:32

Gosh, some of these replies are just awful, it's a small child who will experience violence for being nice. I'm glad I don't have little ones to have to be so ott with small children.I can't believe this

Thank god there's someone else who can't believe the ridiculous responses to this.
People are unhinged.

RomanyRoots · 24/10/2018 16:33

abacucat

I think your lack of reading skills is awful, too.
Try and read it again, there's a love Grin

I don't agree that violence towards a small child is ever the answer, and am disgusted at the replies to hit the boy.

Maybe my suggestion of going back into school again was more take action, than ignore and put up with it. Who knows Confused

Bluelady · 24/10/2018 16:33

If you tell her to hit him and it works, she will - entirely logically - conclude that hitting people is the way to get what you want. Is that the kind of person you want her to be, OP? Maybe you do ....

bellie710 · 24/10/2018 16:33

This happened to my DD when she was in nursery and P1, a little boy was obsessed with her and kept stroking her face and her hair. Luckily her nursery teachers kept moving him when he tried to sit next to her but when we were at other groups he kept doing it! I eventually lost the plot at his mum for standing ignoring her crying and asking him to leave her alone, after that it seriously improved and the school stopped him every time he touched her. I would speak to the school and tell then you are not putting up with it any more and they need to do something about it immediately!

OrchidInTheSun · 24/10/2018 16:34

No one has said he's being nice. But it's probably not personal. Get the school to deal with it. If the CT isn't, then escalate to the HT. it's unacceptable that the teacher is failing to sort it out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2018 16:34

It’s not “nice” to invade another person’s personal space or to ignore their request to stop touching them against their will.

It’s not “nice” to bother an animal but insisting on touching it when it upset either and this child did that too.

How many threads on here are sympathetic to an animal lashing out to protect itself when a child is hassling it? Yet OP’s human child, who is also 5 and impressionable, is being told by some of you to put up with it or keep asking “nicely” for him to please leave her alone.

They’re both 5. He doesn’t get a pass to bother her and touch her anywhere on her face, head or body against her wishes.

Time to raise hell OP. You’re doing exactly the right thing teaching your daughter to protect herself from any unwanted attention.

StripySocksAndDocs · 24/10/2018 16:35

Not hitting, but teach her it's ok to take his wrist and return his hand to his side and accompany this action with a firm "don't touch me".

Gottagetmoving · 24/10/2018 16:35

Romany I think your reply of she should basically put up with it is awful

She didn't say she should put up with it though, did she?
Why do people make up stuff that wasn't said?

Frogscotch7 · 24/10/2018 16:36

from the point of view of the wee boy’s mother I’d beg you not to tell your dd to hit him as she may well be hit back. The teacher should move the boy away from your dd and she should be taught to say or shout STOP TOUCHING ME whenever he starts annoying her.

Rebecca36 · 24/10/2018 16:36

I accept this is just a little boy and he means no harm but can you imagine having someone next to you who wants to touch or stroke you all the time? It would freak me out.

They have to be taught to respect other people's space, it's not wrong to insist on that from a young age. The teachers should be more vigilant.

Thisreallyisafarce · 24/10/2018 16:36

He's a child, not a pervert. Of course YWBU to tell your DD to hit him. Tell her to stand up and move away. Tell the teacher that you have told her to do this and will not agree to her being punished for not sitting down. Go to the Head. Do anything other than tell her to hit him. FGS.

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/10/2018 16:36

The attitudes towards boys on MN is sometimes absolutely abhorrent

Raise then to respect boundries and perhaps these "abhorrent" attitudes might disappear.

Problem.solved.

Can't keep makimg excuses and allowing this stuff to continue and berate people for being pissed off with it

gfk62 · 24/10/2018 16:37

Absolutely YABU, we should never teach our children that violence is ever the answer 😨

Gottagetmoving · 24/10/2018 16:39

Time to raise hell OP. You’re doing exactly the right thing teaching your daughter to protect herself from any unwanted attention

Raise hell? Grin
I'm sure some of you would like to have the boy arrested and charged with assault.
I wouldn't want to be a child growing up today.

Jux · 24/10/2018 16:39

You need to email the school. You've asked the teacher and it's not stopped so put it in writing. Ask your mum to tell the teacher again, and then make an appointment to actually see the teacher. The boy does need to be moved and you do need to make sure your dd isn't moved as that could send a negative message.

abacucat · 24/10/2018 16:39

If your dd is too silly to sit being stroked without moving away then the teacher has to make sure they are kept separate.

STOP blaming the girl. Read the OP. Each child has a spot to sit on and get told off if they move away.
I can't stand the comments here blaming the girl.

Soontobe60 · 24/10/2018 16:39

I get it now. You're 'that mother' !
You don't want to teach your child any understanding of others with additional needs, you do want to teach them to hit out, you think it's ok to take a puppy onto school grounds, you believe everything your child tells you.
As a teacher, if I moved every child away from others if they touched them, half the class would be sitting in the corridor! Have you considered that maybe it's your child that has the problem? I know a few children who don't like any physical contact from other children, it can be just as telling as the child who is over touchy!

BarbarianMum · 24/10/2018 16:40

Do you include violence physical resistance used in self defence in that gfk?

defineme · 24/10/2018 16:40

Yes you are, I am afraid you have to make yourself heard on your daughters behalf. Take the morning off work and stay at school until you are heard by the current teacher and the head. You are her only advocate, but go through the proper channels.

BewareOfDragons · 24/10/2018 16:40

Moving the child should have already happened; the fact that he wasn't moved away from her means the teacher isn't taking it seriously.

Sensory issues/autism isn't a good excuse to not move your DD away: she doesn't like being touched, and she shouldn't have to put up with it because he wants to touch her.

Teacher can give him something sensory to hold and touch and stroke. It should not be your daughter or any other child.

Our reception class has a black boy, the only one in the class. There are a few children that keep touching his hair and rubbing his head without his permission. Repeatedly. Without asking. And he doesn't like it. And he tells them to stop. And they don't on their own. I have made it very clear to them that this is not acceptable for the same reasons your daughter shouldn't have to put up with it. And when I see them doing it to him and him getting upset, I move the children away from him and explain again why it has to stop.

If I didn't take it seriously, and if I wasn't moving children away, I wouldn't be at all surprised if his parents told me they would tell him to push them to get them off of him soon ... but I am on it, so it shouldn't ever come to that.

Your school needs to be more responsive to this.

You don't get to touch other people if they don't like it, no matter who you are or how curious you are. You just don't. Not even 4 and 5 year olds. And if it needs to firmly and repeatedly explained, so be it.