to feel sorry for this colleague but to still think she's being unreasonable

[justfloatingpast]

We have a big event coming up in work and it will be all hands on deck and longer hours than usual. We were told months ago that no leave would be approved for that particular week unless it was for an emergency of some sort.

A colleague has now asked for the entire week off because her boyfriend has booked them both a surprise holiday to celebrate her 40th birthday. Her request for leave has been refused. She has quite a key role to play in the forthcoming event and her absence would put other people under even more pressure, particularly as another colleague had to have emergency surgery last week so will not be available.

She's furious at not getting the leave, but AIBU to think her BF should have checked with her manager before booking the week away, particularly as I'm sure he would have been aware of the event as she's been working on it for months?

Only on MN would a partner booking a surprise holiday be deemed abusive

Indeed. Deemed a controlling bastard, by a bunch of strangers.

Fuck me, MN is ridiculous sometimes

My husband did this for me. But he is not an idiot. Got in contact with work and booked the days off without me knowing. It was wonderful.

My then BF did the same for me for my 21st. He contacted my boss and booked the time off for me. It was an amazing holiday.

People are simply pointing out the possibility that this is abusive behaviour on the part of the man. Because some men do behave like this - lots of grand romantic gestures and 'surprises' that are either not at all to the woman's taste, or scheduled to be hugely inconvenient for her. The aim is usually to make her put the man at the centre of her world, display lots of gratitude and become wholly obedient - and any time she tries to object or refuse to participate, the man can call in back up from friends, family etc, to help bully her for being 'ungrateful' and a bitch, or for 'putting her career ahead of family'. Sometimes the aim is simply to destroy the woman's career prospects, if she's talented and successful, because some of these men not only hate and resent women generally, but also feel that 'breaking' a successful woman gives them a bigger dick.

Of course, it could also be the case that OP's colleague is just a CF who wants extra leave. But not necessarily.

Even if she doesn’t call in sick, I’ll bet you any money she doesn’t pull her weight that week and will be doing the minimum because she feels so aggrieved.

Because some men do behave like this

YES....the intelligent word, in an otherwise dumb post being 'SOME'

Some men are rapists
Some women smoke cannabis
Some irish belong to the IRA
Some women beat their partners
Some men are control freaks
Some greek people may be bisexual
Some muslims are terrorists
Some Spanish people may be gender confused
Some priests are peadophiles

Do you see how ignorant, ridiculous + judgemental this train of thought is?

In this day and age, where a person is not even allowed to judge someones gender, based on the fact they look and have a name that is quite gender specific? But fuck me, If my name is not Samantha and I am wearing a skirt and have boobs on show, did you just dare to assume I am a woman????!

'Let's derive all men that do anything nice for their partners, cos they must be control freaks'

Again, it depends on the gesture, and the partner. Something that most people consider romantic might not be percieved by the recipient as romantic if it actually causes a lot of inconvenience to her, or it's something she actively dislikes.

Bear in mind that flowers, chocolates and jewellery can be percieved by the recipient as distressing and horrible if they are clearly from someone the recipient is scared of/has dumped/would not want to date, but the person keeps on sending them.

She knew she couldn't take that week. Her boyfriend's holiday plans are not her employer's problem.
And yes, booking a holiday for your partner without checking she can get leave is controlling CFery, not romantic.
Bet she goes though

Her manager wasn't terribly impressed to get a phonecall from the hotel saying she wouldn't be back until the Monday week.

Does she even have a boyfriend? Has anyone met him?

Maybe he's just a convenient excuse for her holiday habit.

Her name isn't Beatrice, is it?

Good on your manager for sticking to the rules. I've seen far too many CFs get exactly what they want over the years whilst the quiet ones who toe the line get nothing. They usually don't last long, they go off to be a CF elsewhere. I bet she goes off sick, and produces a sick note!

Lucky she and her partner are so keen on ‘surprises’.

Should serve them well soon, when she gets fired and the holiday budget gets wiped out for the foreseeable future?

I’m just glad CFery is still being called out. Soon they’ll be in the majority, and they’ll have created a name for us. Entitlement is growing faster than anything else I’ve ever seen- minus maybe mobile phone use, and Slime among 7yo!

Luckily, if she calls in sick and you call her back on her phone, you’ll be able to tell whether she’s in the UK or abroad from the ring tone.

It happened to someone at my old work who tried to get annual leave, was denied, and went anyway, claiming he had a convenient bout of tonsillitis.

Too bad IMO, she’s known about this busy week for months and knows that nobody would be granted holiday requests over this time. She’ll have to re-book it for the next week.

I have a friend with a "wonderful" husband who is always arranging surprise theatre tickets, concerts, weekends away. She has a hobby(sport) that is time consuming and important to her. These surprises always mean she has to miss an event she'd planned.

She doesn't seem to mind, takes it as a gentle reminder that he misses her and they haven't been spending enough time together but...

What happened to our colleague dingdong?

Where I work there'd be outrage and a telling off but no actual action

what sort of holiday isn't affected by half-term? Would love to find those.

Any holiday that isn't likely to appeal to families- my parents went on a sightseeing tour of Japan during the Easter holidays because that was the cheapest time to go.

Allowing partners of employees to “book” annual leave is by no means standard practice. a line manager / HR would not be unreasonable to decline requests from anyone other than the employee.

As an HR type, I would NEVER EVER discuss an employee’s data with their partner (be it annual leave, benefits or salary...) without an iron-clad reason and the abdolute certainty it’s all above board (employee in the loop, or legal reasons etc)

My department once had contact with the wife of an employee who was trying to obtain information form our Benefits team - turns out she was preparing for a divorce. Imagine the shit storm if HR had given her the info!

As it's not a one off, then it's likely that he is at least not taking her career seriously and doesn't think it matters.

I would be prepared for her to pull a sickie. Have you asked her if he's been able to rebook for another week? If her boyfriend hasn't even tried, that suggests that either she's going to be under massive pressure from him to throw a sickie/Quit, or he never really cared about her having a trip, it was only ever about him.

I personally don’t believe it’s a surprise (if it was, he’d have contacted work and organised the leave and not told her - why ruin the surprise early by telling her?!).
Secondly, I’m surprised by how many of you are against partners contacting their wives/gfs work to book time off on their behalf for surprises. I’d be thrilled if my Dh went to the lengths to book something as a surprise for me! I wouldn’t take it as him trying to ruin my career. I’m currently speaking to his boss about his leave for his surprise 30th- am I cf who is trying to ruin his career?

I don’t believe that the boyfriend booked a surprise holiday. Oldest excuse in the book innit?

That aside however, only on MN would a partner booking a surprise be considered abusive. .

Maybe her boyfriend is trying to the undermine her work. A surprise that puts you in a difficult situation at work. Of course it depends on how she is at work usually. Does she avoid her responsibilities and shy away from work? Does she hates her job? If not it might be that the boyfriend is an idiot.

As a manager, I would definitely do some detective work if she called in sick. Calling to chat on landline number, popping round with a get well card from the team. From an HR perspective, if she was on holiday while claiming to be sick, that would be a breach of contract quite probably amounting to gross misconduct and I would be looking at suspension pending investigation and probable dismissal. Breach of trust and confidence which is fundamental to an employment relationship.