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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sorry for this colleague but to still think she's being unreasonable

122 replies

justfloatingpast · 24/10/2018 14:00

We have a big event coming up in work and it will be all hands on deck and longer hours than usual. We were told months ago that no leave would be approved for that particular week unless it was for an emergency of some sort.

A colleague has now asked for the entire week off because her boyfriend has booked them both a surprise holiday to celebrate her 40th birthday. Her request for leave has been refused. She has quite a key role to play in the forthcoming event and her absence would put other people under even more pressure, particularly as another colleague had to have emergency surgery last week so will not be available.

She's furious at not getting the leave, but AIBU to think her BF should have checked with her manager before booking the week away, particularly as I'm sure he would have been aware of the event as she's been working on it for months?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2018 18:22

I'm another one who wonders about the boyfriend - your colleague might be sad, not because she can't go on holiday, but because this bloke is going on and on and on about what a cunt she is for putting her job before him, and how ungrateful she's been, etc.
THere are men who like to sabotage a woman's career with extravagant 'romantic' stunts like this, after all.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 24/10/2018 18:25

@CarryOnScreamingValenta well maybe but OP doesn’t say what her line of work is - maybe she works in hospitality and it’s an event rather than a project?

It reads more to me that she’s using the boyfriend as an excuse for booking a holiday during a well known busy time.

I worked with one of these once. Couldn’t understand that the business actually doesn’t give a shit about your ‘really great deal’ if there isn’t the capacity to let you have leave.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/10/2018 18:25

Not so much CF coworker as a wanker of a BF methinks

Unless of course the colleague's simply invented the "BF's surprise holiday" in the hope it will get her the denied leave ...

MulticolourMophead · 24/10/2018 18:32

There's nothing to prove that either holiday are actually a aurprise or that the boyfriend has actually booked them.

I reckon that the 2nd week of the previous holiday were already booked before they went, and that this 40th birthday holiday was booked because there had been no consequences from the previous one.

As her manager, I'd reinforce that she doesn't get the leave, and also state that if she calls in sick she's risking her job.

BlancheM · 24/10/2018 18:32

I think she's trying her luck as well. If her story was true, surely she'd be furious at her boyfriend, not her boss. Surprise extended trips and holidays? Is he even an adult? They both need to grow the fuck up.

ReturnfromtheStars · 24/10/2018 18:37

@choirmumoftwo, what sort of holiday isn't affected by half-term? Would love to find those.

ZanyMobster · 24/10/2018 18:39

I would love it if DH booked a surprise holiday and called my boss to sort etc. Sure it would never actually happen but I would definitely not be cross with him, think it would be lovely. I am surprised anyone would be bothered by this to be honest, unless in a controlling relationship then I think it is a lovely thing to do! Each to their own of course.

TedAndLola · 24/10/2018 18:41

I booked a surprise holiday for my mum when I was 17. Even at that age I knew to check with her manager and book the annual leave in secret. YANBU

EggysMom · 24/10/2018 18:48

I with the other poster who said that the CF's boyfriend is probably also pulling the same string of lies at his workplace - "She booked it as a surprise for me ...."

CF will end up going on the holiday. Management will cave in the days immediately prior, rather than have her go off sick and then have to deal with the resultant disciplinary action.

chillpizza · 24/10/2018 18:49

She will go off sick or quit. One of the two.

HermioneWeasley · 24/10/2018 18:54

If I were her boss I’d be telling her that if she fails to show during the busy period, even claiming illness, it will be gross misconduct

notacooldad · 24/10/2018 19:47

I am surprised anyone would be bothered by this to be honest, unless in a controlling relationship then I think it is a lovely thing to do! Each to their own of course
I am in a very happy relationship and have been together 28 years.
I would go batshit if DP booked a surprise.

I'm not micro managed at work and have a lot of flexible working so I have a rough idea in my head how I want my week to work, what families I need to see and I know when's a good time for each of my cases. Not only that but I know what time I'm planning on finishing work and what I'm doing next e.g. going mountain biking with a friend if I'm on a 2 o'clock finish, what's on at the cinema and what night i fancy going, spinning or walking etc. I know what classes I have booked in at the gym, when im seeing friends arc. So for someone to override my plans without even consulting me would make me angry. It shows a complete lack of respect for my time and my plans.
Before anyone says don't I discuss things with DP , I don't discuss every second of my time. Do is self employed and will work until the job is done. If the job over runs its a quick phone call to keep me in the loop and I go off and do whatever I had planned.
A surprise trip would not be lovely.

choirmumoftwo · 24/10/2018 20:03

Returnfromthestars
Don't want to say too much but think adult only cruises, coach tours in America etc. Not typical family holiday things.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2018 22:23

ISTR another thread a while back - I think in that case the OP was the one with a partner who was keen on booking 'surprise' holidays that always seemed to coincide with busy times at work. And it clearly was a matter of a controlling man trying to make sure she got the sack so she could concentrate on obeying and indulging him, but he dressed up his coercive, abusive behaviour as 'romantic surprises'.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2018 22:24

(I appreciate that this isn't the OP of this thread's problem - she's the one likely to be stuck with picking up the slack when the colleague doesn't show up, and workmates are not responsible for a colleague's personal crises - but there is at least a 50-50 chance of this woman being in an abusive relationship, rather than just a CF.)

Miggeldy · 24/10/2018 22:54

She'll be calling in sick then.
Typical.

Gromance02 · 25/10/2018 10:25

Only on MN would a partner booking a surprise holiday be deemed abusive.

Lockheart · 25/10/2018 10:41

Assuming she's not making it up, then I'd have much more sympathy as clearly she's dealing with an idiot of a bf.

@Gromance02 - I had a partner like this; he had a very highly paying self-employment, so he could work when he liked. He didn't seem to grasp the fact that I was working on a contract and thus only had one hour for lunch and couldn't just take a few days holiday at a moments notice. He was constantly asking me to go to lunch and then when I'd turn up with my sandwiches (expecting to go and sit in the park for half an hour) he'd say "Oh I thought we could go to fancy-restaurant (a 15 min walk away)" - and then get very huffy when I said no because I only have one hour for lunch.

Similarly with holidays - he booked a few romantic breaks away which left me scrambling around to try to book leave for.

And this was all the time. He wasn't listening to me repeatedly telling him that this was unrealistic because he didn't care about my job. And instead of saying "Oh yes, silly me, I forgot, let's cancel and rearrange" (which would be fine), he'd get the hump and pressure me. Which is NOT fine.

So yes, this pattern of behaviour can be abusive, although it is not always.

LotsToThinkOf · 25/10/2018 10:43

Not only on mumsnet Gromance02, it's a tactic often used and isn't that easy to spot because it makes the victim look ungrateful and as if they're treated really well. In reality it's the opposite: causing problems at work, making the victim feel like they're being treated unfairly by work, making them feel awkward and like they have to leave, making them feel guilty that they have to say no when their partner has gone to all that trouble.

YANBU at all, she shouldn't be allowed to take the piss like that at work and there's no way she should have got away with the extra week abroad either.

That aside, her DH sounds like a controlling arse. She's obviously having how unfair it is drilled into her rather than just getting over it like a mature person. She's putting her DH's whims above her own life which is a red flag, what he playing at?

Watch out for the long term sick leave coming up, she's a.ready feeling torn and work aren't going to the the ones working on her conscience.

PolarBearkshire · 25/10/2018 17:53

She is just trying to escape the hard work esp if furious reaction haha! Surely can celebrate a week later

Jutz · 25/10/2018 17:59

Boyfriend sounds like a controlling type
It’s crazy assuming someone can get annual leave for your “surprises” with almost no notice

Iseveryusernametaken · 25/10/2018 18:11

@Bestseller you would investigate as disingenuous absence and use the disciplinary policy. I would also be making it clear to the employee that this would happen in the event of them calling in sick.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2018 18:27

Interesting take that she may be upset because her partner is a controlling arse. One thing for sure is at least one of them is a controlling arse.

Larrythecat · 25/10/2018 19:40

When is this happening? Keeping an eye on an update Grin

I would also go for the controlling partner behaviour. I had one of those and I covered him up for years until after the split. I was always taking the fall for being awkward or not socialise enough. I also had to deal at home with the pressure and the "I'm being romantic", "I want to spend time with you", "why would you want to please your colleagues instead of me?". I tried to go half way and go to drinks for half an hour, but my colleagues would think I was weird and my ex would think I liked someone from work and wanted to spend time together. He would book things for every work event, Christmas party, team bonding activity, etc. But I guess that if that's the case, this person would also avoid not just this event but social gatherings outside working hours (lunches might be ok, for example). Keep an eye.

I'd be tempted to have someone dropping at her house if she claims sickness when the time comes. I had a job where a new colleague started bullying as soon as she started. I wanted to find something else after that. A job opportunity came in for a two-week post in the sector I wanted. I asked for the weeks as holiday and was told no because they were short of staff (they could have asked another branch, though). The bullying increased and I was mocked for wanting to do that other job. The agency kept calling me to insist I found a way around it as it was a good opportunity for me. Long story short, I called off sick... Because I was so stressed on the run up to that week that I spent the whole previous week crying and having panic attacks. The GP signed me off with anxiety. Obviously, everyone thought I was putting a sickie, which increased my anxiety. The manager suggested that we met every four days to discuss how the could help me. I know now that they cannot do that, but at the time I really wanted to clear my name and I had a very good relationship with the manager, so we met away from work to discuss the issues and work out a way to return to work. Bully kept spreading lies and I eventually moved office, but it was crushing to see how everyone turned based on suspicions that were not true. What I mean is that even if she calls sick, she could well be if the stress of the whole situation gets to her. I'd have that checked if it happens.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 25/10/2018 19:52

Lots of conjecture here about the colleague and her partner...

but what concerns me is how your significant other can call up and ask your employer about your leave Hmm

it wouldn't bother me it's a management problem not mine unless I managed her.

I tend not to compare or care what colleagues do, trust me there's all sorts going on at work that not all employees are privy to it's never as straight forward as you think.

it's a nice thing imo if a bit thoughtless I don't know the DP

of course the colleague would be upset and I would console her.