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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH being a “Facebook dad”

82 replies

InstagramPork · 23/10/2018 12:29

My ExH and I actually get on relatively well. He is a good dad in the sense he sees DS regularly and has always paid maintenance.
However there is one thing that really irritates me and it’s the way he posts about our son on social media.

I have no problem if he wants to share photos, that’s up to him, but he uses my photos of DS to make himself look like a better parent than he is.

We have a WhatsApp group with him, ExPIL and my DM and I’ll regularly share pics with them of DS doing nice things for example first day at nursery, first swimming lesson as I want them to be involved and feel part of his life.

Ex then posts these on his Facebook page with captions implying he’s done these things with him and then gets comments such as “Oh wow! What a fab trip, you’re such a good dad” etc. And it irritates the hell out of me.

Our son had a recent spell in hospital and I didn’t leave his bedside, barely slept for 48 hours and looked after him. Ex came for one visit for 35 mins then left again.
The day before he came I had sent him a pic of DS hooked up to drips etc and explained he couldn’t FaceTime him because he was sleeping.
Ex then posted this pic of our little boy looking very poorly and vulnerable (and in a state of undress) on Facebook with a woe is me status about how worried he is about him etc.

I am absolutely raging!!!! Using our sick child to garner likes?!!! I feel like he’s violated DS’s right to dignity! Also if he was that bothered then why wasn’t he with me at his bedside when he actually needed him?

I really don’t want to fall out with Ex if I can help it (it’s taken years to get to the good place we’re at currently) but I can’t let this go. He’s massively overstepped a line IMO and I need to say something to him about it.

AIBU to be cross at him? How do I broach this without causing WW3? He’s not a reasonable man and doesn’t like “being told what to do”.
The obvious thing would be to no longer share any pics of DS but that will mean the GPs miss out and ExPIL will no doubt just send whatever pics I’ve taken on to ExH if they know he’s no longer in the group chat

OP posts:
florafawna · 23/10/2018 12:34

Nothing you can do.

Doyoumind · 23/10/2018 12:35

This sounds like quite narcissistic behaviour. Personally I wouldn't be sharing any more pictures. I understand why you're angry. It's similar to what I experienced a long time ago when I was with my ex. Now I don't ever see his social media or hear his lies conversations so I don't have to worry about it.

Poster65 · 23/10/2018 12:36

Just don’t send the pics. No one needs to know you took any.

bastardkitty · 23/10/2018 12:38

Stop sending the pics!

FiveStoryFire · 23/10/2018 12:39

Yes, stop sending the pics.
It's up to him to send his parents photos, not your responsibility.

68Anon · 23/10/2018 12:40

If he share photos of your son that you've taken, why not comment on them, something like ' XXX and I had fun doing this' or 'XXX really liked the trip we went on together'. Petty, but it lets other people know you were there rather than your EX.

He is out of order posting a photo taken of your son in hospital. Maybe you could comment on the photograph that you were so worried about XXX that you stayed with him all the time he was in hospital.

HalloweenyMcBooGhoul · 23/10/2018 12:41

Either stop sending them or stick a watermark on them.

Original poster
InstagramPork · 23/10/2018 12:42

I’ve got him blocked on all social media, the reason I know about the pic is I bumped into a mutual friend of ours at the supermarket next to the hospital (buying clean pjs and toiletries) and she said she was sorry to hear DS was poorly... I asked how they knew he was ill and she showed me the pic!

He has also posted things implying I’m restricting or stopping access before which is laughable, I’ve encouraged and enabled access wherever possible.

Last year he took DS for a few hours on Christmas Day, took a selfie with him and posted online saying “The first time in 4 years I’ve seen my son on Christmas Day. But never mind all that, he’s with me now and knows daddy loves him”.

He sees him on a Weds and EOW (his choice). I’ve offered to split Christmas Day, or to do alternate years since day one. He has always preferred to go to friends houses for parties than have DS, but the things he posts read as if I’m preventing him.

When I called him out on it he made out I was insane and I making an issue out of nothing.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 23/10/2018 12:44

Stop sharing the pics with him.

GPs/ILs won't miss out if he's actually present to do these things himself and share pics, will they?

Give them text updates only - ones that he can't easily paste and will have to rewrite himself to remove references to you - and send them a few physical photos of the really important stuff like first day of school.

loveulotslikejellytots · 23/10/2018 12:48

Could you print and post photos to his grandparents? But like a PP said, if he was doing these things with his Son, he's have his own pictures to share.

Doyoumind · 23/10/2018 12:49

The best thing you can do apart from not giving him any more photos is stop getting annoyed by what he says or does.

It's completely outside of your control and as long as it doesn't directly affect your DS or you (though posting pics of your DS ill is out of order) it doesn't matter.

All that happens is you feel angry and negative and resentful. It does nothing to him. You even mentioning things and him gaslighting you just stokes the flames.

Nothing positive comes from this anger so do what you can to control what you can by not giving him photos and forget about the rest. What does it matter what other people think of him or you?

I say this as someone who has experienced very similar issues.

Cyclingpast · 23/10/2018 12:49

Just don't send photos, there's no need to send people photos that frequently. Just send text messages.

Original poster
InstagramPork · 23/10/2018 12:50

It’s not just the pics I send, as just said in my last post it’s the way he posts about DS (and me via implication).

It’s hurtful and untrue. The only way I know about these things is other people tell me! One of his friends was in our local pub and was being really off with me, I asked what his problem was and he said “Women like you make me sick, using your kid as a weapon”.
This particular man was going through a bad divorce and custody battle. He told me what Ex had posted on Christmas Day and I was horrified. I said it wasn’t true but he obviously didn’t believe me.
It makes me wonder what other people think of me based on these postings?

I questioned Ex about it and he basically said it said nothing about me so he’s not aplogising. It was obvious what he was implying though

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 23/10/2018 12:51

Ooh - or only send them with pictures of you and him together? Ones he couldn't cut you out of?

They still get the pics, but he can't use them.

Doyoumind - I agree that OP can change her reaction, but it's helpful to minimise the effect and frequency with which she has to modify her own feelings.

M00nUnit · 23/10/2018 12:54

I can see why this pisses you off. The bloody cheek of him - especially the hospital one! Exploiting his son for attention on social media is disgusting. I would definitely stop sending him photos if I were. It's a shame the GPs will miss out on seeing photos but I can't see another way around this.

Escolar · 23/10/2018 12:54

I agree with other posters, stop sending photos. And if he asks why, make out like he’s insane to be asking. I would be fuming too if I was you!

Doyoumind · 23/10/2018 12:56

OP your latest post just confirms what I've said. He's a dick. How he really is with your DS is all that matters to your DS. If he's a shit dad your DS will know and whatever your ex posts on social media about how great he is, in the end your DS will look back and know the truth and know that you were a good mum to him.

GaraMedouar · 23/10/2018 12:58

I agree with Doyoumind - you have to not let it wind you up , which I know it's easier said than done. I have an ExP who sees DD once a week ( pays no maintenance) and posts lovely pics of himself being superdad, getting lots of likes. Irritates the hell out of me, but I know he will never change , I have to change my response.

ems137 · 23/10/2018 12:59

My exH does EXACTLY the same. I'm not on Facebook but I had noticed (through a link he sent DD(10) his profile was open to the world last week. I went on a stalk and my best friend and I were howling at some of the shit he comes out with.

Every single photo I've sent him has been posted to his wall to gather likes and attention. His further comments then make out as though it's him that's doing whatever for/with the kids! In reality he sees them EOW and nothing else, through his own choice entirely.

It gives me the absolute rage OP but what can we do about it 🤷🏼‍♀️ I always think that the truth will always show its face!

Fuckertyfickfack · 23/10/2018 13:00

You need to stop sending him pictures even if that means PIL will miss out. You can't control what he says about you but I understand the frustration. Your DS will remember this and it will back fire on him. He's clearly out for the attention. Document any situation where people act out like the man in the pub. There may be a situation where you need to get legal advice in the future. I would tell him youve been shown the picture of your sick son on FB and could he please just keep in mind that this is as difficult for you as it is for him. I doubt he will listen though and you have to try and ignore it. Most people will see him for what he is. Any dad posting about how they don't get to see their kid makes me think of my ex who does the same but refuses to actually look after his child. They just want attention for their sad little lives.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 13:01

Last year he took DS for a few hours on Christmas Day, took a selfie with him and posted online saying “The first time in 4 years I’ve seen my son on Christmas Day. But never mind all that, he’s with me now and knows daddy loves him”.

Confused He sounds insane. If it were me I'd unblock him then everytime he posts a photo of yours I'd reply on it something like "why are you using my photo without asking? You weren't even there!" etc but maybe I'm just petty 😂

Havaina · 23/10/2018 13:03

You have to stop sending pics.

Ex can send his own pics to HIS parents when he has DS.

You send pics to DM.

Yes it's not just about pics, he is a manipulative arse hole and making you look teeeibke, but the pictures ARE the ammunition ans you're giving them to him on a plate! Please stop!

He can still play Facebook dad but at least it won't be your pics!

If PIL ask why you're not sending them anymore pics, I would just tell them the truth, that he is painting you as a cruel ex keeping your DS away from him and you refuse to facilitate that.

notsorighteousthesedays · 23/10/2018 13:05

You could stop using that WhatsApp group and set up another one with just grandparents if you want to still send pictures. Or a messenger group. Choose settings which don't allow pics to be shared with anyone not in the group - and if he is blocked by you he cannot get access...

UpstartCrow · 23/10/2018 13:06

Don't share, post or send any photos for 6 months. Don't point the finger or name anyone, or post about it.
If anyone asks send them a private message to say the photos are being misused then refuse to discuss it any further.

You cant stop him, but you can end his supply.
You can also talk to a solicitor about his behaviour. If he is posting that you stop him seeing his kids and you get backlash over that, they can send a cease and desist notice.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 23/10/2018 13:08

Have you got a really horrible picture of your ex that he really hates? If so, make sure your DS is holding it prominently in every picture you share to him. If not, give him a little sign that says "Daddy is a wanker" to hold?

Seriously though, I simply wouldn't be sharing any more photos. As a PP said, his GPs can see him in the flesh if they're that desperate or let your ex share his own pictures to his parents.