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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH being a “Facebook dad”

82 replies

InstagramPork · 23/10/2018 12:29

My ExH and I actually get on relatively well. He is a good dad in the sense he sees DS regularly and has always paid maintenance.
However there is one thing that really irritates me and it’s the way he posts about our son on social media.

I have no problem if he wants to share photos, that’s up to him, but he uses my photos of DS to make himself look like a better parent than he is.

We have a WhatsApp group with him, ExPIL and my DM and I’ll regularly share pics with them of DS doing nice things for example first day at nursery, first swimming lesson as I want them to be involved and feel part of his life.

Ex then posts these on his Facebook page with captions implying he’s done these things with him and then gets comments such as “Oh wow! What a fab trip, you’re such a good dad” etc. And it irritates the hell out of me.

Our son had a recent spell in hospital and I didn’t leave his bedside, barely slept for 48 hours and looked after him. Ex came for one visit for 35 mins then left again.
The day before he came I had sent him a pic of DS hooked up to drips etc and explained he couldn’t FaceTime him because he was sleeping.
Ex then posted this pic of our little boy looking very poorly and vulnerable (and in a state of undress) on Facebook with a woe is me status about how worried he is about him etc.

I am absolutely raging!!!! Using our sick child to garner likes?!!! I feel like he’s violated DS’s right to dignity! Also if he was that bothered then why wasn’t he with me at his bedside when he actually needed him?

I really don’t want to fall out with Ex if I can help it (it’s taken years to get to the good place we’re at currently) but I can’t let this go. He’s massively overstepped a line IMO and I need to say something to him about it.

AIBU to be cross at him? How do I broach this without causing WW3? He’s not a reasonable man and doesn’t like “being told what to do”.
The obvious thing would be to no longer share any pics of DS but that will mean the GPs miss out and ExPIL will no doubt just send whatever pics I’ve taken on to ExH if they know he’s no longer in the group chat

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 23/10/2018 22:19

Use smugmug for sharing photographs on WhatsApp as you can’t steal photographs from smugmug

gothefcktosleep · 23/10/2018 22:31

Put a copyright watermark through every photo you send to the WhatsApp group. Will make it more difficult for your ex to pass your photos off as his own with @InstagramPork (nice name btw) running through the middle of them...

BumsexAtTheBingo · 23/10/2018 22:39

I’d stop sending the pics. If you and ds have been on a nice day out let him give the gps a ring and tell them about it if you don’t want them to miss out. Let his dad send them photos. Might encourage him to do something worth photographing with his son instead of just pretending he was there!

cl61reb · 23/10/2018 22:56

Stop sending pics!!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 23/10/2018 23:06

Yep, stop sending pics. Let him take his own when he is actually present and doing something worth sharing. Tough luck on his parents, but he's the one who's spoiled it. Have a word about posting pics of a sick child on FB though. Thats not on.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 23/10/2018 23:33

I completely understand op. My DD’s dad posted the pic I sent him of her first day of school on facebook and also tweeted the woe is me sad face my baby’s starting school etc and got appropriate sympathetic responses... meanwhile he had refused to be involved with selection of said school, didn’t ask where she was going, didn’t bother to come along and then completely forgot to call as promised to wish her luck. All whilst “working” at home and alone.
He sees her for one night every other weekend when he can’t think up a reason to even cancel that, but updates his fb pics in between to appear as though he sees her more. I’ve also had the pleasure of seeing pics inc his current wife with “lovely family pic xxx” comments on... by other mothers. That takes the absolute biscuit.

pallisers · 23/10/2018 23:40

Stop sending the pictures. Just stop. If he doesn't have them, he cannot post them.

Next time you hear of a "poor me my ex is using my child as a weapon but I am soldiering on" post call him up and tell him you will be posting a

"finally went out to dinner with DS. Single mum doing it all myself so had to save up really hard but never mind he has the treat now and knows mummy loves him"

With that degree of up his own aresedness, he'll be a fucker of a father when your son hits the teen years. good luck.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 23/10/2018 23:45

Just stop sending him the pictures. [facepalm]

livingontheedgeee · 23/10/2018 23:52

Yep, DDs dad does this all the time even though he hasn't seen her for 6 years. Her GF sends him pictures she sends him I assume.

The comments from people such as "oh, she's beautiful you've done such a great job, or you must be so proud that you've been able to send her to such a good school, she's so like you".

Makes me fume inside but she just laughs it off as whatever makes him feel better about himself.

IWantChocolates · 24/10/2018 00:07

I would just caption the photos before sharing them with anyone, right across the middle so if it's cropped out it would ruin the photo. Must phones have the ability to edit photos and you can type onto them.

Wildheartsease · 24/10/2018 00:14

Send PIL pictures - because you are kind - but only those with you +the children clearly together.

Lalliella · 24/10/2018 00:23

Only send pics of DS with you in them too. I guess he could crop you out and still post them, but at least then you can challenge him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/10/2018 00:24

My BIL did (does? NC now) this. "So thrilled to see my ickle gurl (sic) after months and months of not being able to give her a cuggle (sic)"

He fucked off several hundred miles away, refused to see his DD unless her mother paid his £££ train fare and stopped trying to get him to pay maintenance. But of course his equally fuckwitted FB friends were all over him like a cheap suit "Oh bless you, you're a better parent than she will ever be" "Take the bitch to court for custody" etc etc

Those of us who actually know that he is always down the pub and cannot be arsed with his DD for anything than putting his ex down, are either NC or limited contact. Anyone who takes that stuff at face value can safely be ignored.

Oh and the Daddy of this "ickle gurl" who he wants to "cuggle" is 49 ffs..... yes he really is that fucking thick.

InionEile · 24/10/2018 00:29

Good suggestion upthread to only send ILs and him pics of you and your son together so he can’t deny you were there. In general, only send them pics that are necessary, as infrequently as possible. Not much else you can do about him telling sob-stories on social media though. Good that you’ve blocked him too.

PurdysChocolate · 24/10/2018 01:06

Definitely stop sending pics. Your ex can send his own photos to his family.

I think it is a big deal that his fake Facebook posting is causing people to have a negative view of you.

BrendasUmbrella · 24/10/2018 01:24

I agree with pp's. From now on only share photos with them that have you in them too. Still send pics of special events, but get someone to take them for you. If they want pics of just him, they can take them.

And do they hand out a Textbook for Deadbeats? They all say the same things. My ex never actually says "she won't let me see my dc's", just vaguely alludes to it. He gets maximum sympathy, and doesn't have to change anything about his self-centred life.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/10/2018 01:42

And do they hand out a Textbook for Deadbeats?

Of course not! In the same way that there isnt a Script For Cheaters....because they are all so damned original Hmm

It would be funny, in fact it would be hilarious if it wasnt so sodding tragic.

2DrinkMiniMum · 24/10/2018 03:20

"he’s violated DS’s right to dignity!"

Ah. You're one of those.

Do you only parent to get some kind of acknowledgement? That's the only possible reason that I can see for you being annoyed.

Why do you care what he posts?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/10/2018 06:09

Stop Sending photos
And unfollow him on Facebook

As a starter for ten !

Dollymixture22 · 24/10/2018 06:37

He sucks. I don’t like parents who post huge amounts their children’s lives on Facebook for all to see -particularly intimate shots of kids. To be honest I think it’s odd, like handling strangers all your family albums. Your children may not want all these pictures all over the internet when they grow up. They are entitled to some privacy.

In an case your ex is a knob. You need to cut down on the pictures you share on WhatsApp. Explain to his parents that you intend d the photos just for immediate family, but ex puts them up on the internet and you are uncomfortable with that. If there are any pictures you really want PIL to see could you print them off?

There are photos of me as I child in hospital. If they were on he internet I would be raging. I guard my privacy fiercely and and never post pictures. Lots of people are like me. Your poor kid doesn’t have that choice.

eddielizzard · 24/10/2018 06:54

What a twat. Only send him pics with you AND DS in, or when it's clearly your house as with the door sign (brilliant!). Or with your family.

Original poster
InstagramPork · 24/10/2018 07:46

*"he’s violated DS’s right to dignity!"

Ah. You're one of those.

Do you only parent to get some kind of acknowledgement? That's the only possible reason that I can see for you being annoyed.

Why do you care what he posts?*

What do you mean by that? It was undignified, a very poorly little boy hooked up to machines and drips whilst wearing a pull up because he was unconcious and couldn’t control his bladder... how is the not undignified?! And why on earth would he post that pic other to obviously try to garner sympathy?

I care what he posts because I am protecting myself and my child. Would you like pics of you in that state posted on the internet? Or posts perpetuating lies about your parenting?

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 24/10/2018 09:37

Way to read the thread 2Drink.

The ex is the one parenting for acknowledgement, not OP.

silvercuckoo · 24/10/2018 10:08

My ex is very similar, sees dcs once a quarter (out of his own will) but plasters photos all the time. He also posts on facebook about how financially crippling / soul destroying single parenthood is. I wonder how he knows, as he does not pay maintenance or even remember dcs birthdays. I am pretty sure all his virtual friends are convinced he is the parent with full residence.

BrendasUmbrella · 24/10/2018 12:13

Ah. You're one of those.

It's funny how often people who post that exact sentence end up being "one of those". A cunt, that is.

So if she only parents for acknowledgement, what about the guy who barely parents at all, but plasters her photos of her child (that she sends him as a favour) all over the internet to pretend that he's a thwarted loving father? He is literally pretending to parent for acknowledgement. But you have no criticism for him. isn't that interesting...

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