Is my 6yo a CF? (Light-hearted!)

[Larrythecat]

I'm conflicted. My 6yo (DD) is polite with please and thank yous, but you give her a penny and she will ask for a pound (literally). On the one hand, I think this is a great skill to have for when she is older, I picture her negotiating salaries at her annual PDR, or convincing a colleague to do that job she doesn't really like, or getting the best cuts at the butcher. I don't know. But then, right now, I feel like stopping her and restraining that skill for the sake of playdates and good relationship with other mums. I feel she can be a tiny bit of a CF sometimes, but at the same time I'm secretly proud of her negotiating skills and I'm not sure I should stop her! Plus the dynamics of gender here really play a part. I feel it looks worse because she's a girl and assertiveness is not really rewarded at this age...
Examples (loosely adapted, for anonymity): DD goes to playdate. She asks if she can get random plastic toy from their house, playdate mum says yes. DD upgrades her request to another toy that is nicer. "Oh, actually, can I take this instead?"
DD is present when someone invites little brother to party. DD puts puppy eyes and asks if she can go. We say no and that she can do something nice that day instead. Party mum feels sorry and says yes because someone dropped out. She has effectively pushed her way in the party. DD goes to party and asks for party bag at the end, which she then wants to exchange for a different bag because the one given was "for boys". She's told off by us.
DD would ask super nicely in front of other people if she could please go to their house for a playdate. I keep saying she can't invite herself to other people's houses. People invite her over after that. She then pushes for having tea at their house, which sometimes she gets. This requests are made with sweet little girl's face, she would look at friend and say "oh, maybe I can stay for tea at yours!", so they would both turn to the other mum and beg her.
DD goes and asks people directly, instead of coming through us. So all of a sudden I head people either agreeing or putting excuses for playdates, school holidays trips, weekend plans, whatever. Usually just in the shape of meeting at the park or someone's house, but still!
DD wants to see film on TV. Friend doesn't like said film. DD starts with "just let me show you the start, it has this thing (random thing not important in the plot that only appears once) that you really really like. I'll show it to you and if you don't like it, then we put the one you like"... Followed by film already on, random detail does not come until minute 30, friend has forgotten about her choice and now they watch this film. She had her way.

I feel it's rude... But then I think I'd like her to have that skill after her teenage years, so she can navigate adulthood asking for what she likes or wants. I feel I'm repressing her now but that in ten years I'll be doing the work to reverse it. I'm tempted to let her be and just excuse her to the parents...

Is your child a bit of a CF? Do you think it pays off in life later on? Is this really that bad or am I overthinking it and people don't pay attention to this from a child this age?

Actually DS1 has a friend who also behaves like this and it's really interesting to watch them try to out-manipulate each other - although tbf DS1 will fairly readily take up the beta role and comply. The friend REALLY does not like to be told no. I shouldn't enjoy doing so quite so much I have known him since birth though, so I do like the kid really. They both just need guidance on the path to Not Being Arseholes (don't we all?).

Hope you're alright op, some of the responses are rather harsh....

Also Op with regards the puppy dog eyes' and 'sweet little girl’ look to get her way. Do you really want your daughter to learn that using her physical appearance to get her own way is appropriate?

She sounds really rude!

My DD has a friend like this. Mother was in refuge and was a hideously selfish woman. She took no note of her daughters behaviour and it soon became apparent why she had little friends.

Given the fact the woman was in refuge (this resonated with myself) I felt a need to "stick it out", in time perhaps the child's behaviour would change when she became more settled, reassured and taught a better way per say.

1year 5 months later, things had only gotten worse.
The film thing was a regular occurance by which I intervined but made it fair. The invites, the sad little face etc all of these advanced. I remained firm but what the hell is the point if the mother wouldn't?
She would become a lot more "clever" in her manipulative ways - she'd collar my daughter by herself and say things like "if you don't do this /let me have this then I'll do this"

I was tired of speaking to the mother about it, tired of putting my DD in a horrible postion so I put a stop to the relationship.

I love what a PP said about
Good negotiators get the best deal but make everyone feel 'happy' with the outcome
This is a good thing to instil in your child, perhaps try to educate her so she can do this in the future.

She wouldn't being going to parties if she invited herself and I most definitely wouldn't let her have party bag and if she tried to swap it then she would be getting a time out at home. It's just rude

I'd be absolutely horrified if my DC behaved like this.

The only child I know who comes remotely close to this behaviour is a very unpleasant and unpopular boy, so it has nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with plain rudeness and manipulation.

DD goes to playdate. She asks if she can get random plastic toy from their house, playdate mum says yes. DD upgrades her request to another toy that is nicer. "Oh, actually, can I take this instead?"

She asks if she can take other kids' toys home with her? Why does she think she has that right? I'd never allow anther child to take my DC's things (home). Why do you allow her to do it? Any playdate parent who is saying yes to this, is barmy.

I'll be honest I laughed my head off reading that. She sounds like she knows what she wants so don't change her. She's brilliant. Maybe slightly embarrassing for you at times but brilliant all the same.

I think a lot of the negative reactions to your description of your daughter's behaviour are coming from our cultural discomfort with saying no, OP.

I disagree with your assessment in this particular case. I have no issue with saying no to requests. My issue with this situation is this child is learning that manipulating people and situations is how you get what you want and unfortunately it’s compounded by the fact the child’s parent thinks in some way this is positive behaviour to be encouraged. There’s a difference between what’s described in the op and assertiveness.

But she's learning that people people aren't saying no when she employs manipulative tactics.

Again I disagree. Her parents are teaching her manipulation is a positive trait by not dealing with her behaviour appropriately at the time. It is not other people’s responsibility to teach this child appropriate social interactions. It is her parents responsibility. However in this case it looks like the parent doesn’t recognise that the child’s behaviour is manipulative rather than positive and assertive.

She sounds quite like my niece.

She will go far

We one thing I common and in the rest we can agree to disagree

She might go far, but will have no friends and will not be a pleasant person to be around.

We have one thing in common and the rest we can agree to disagree on

Sometimes it’s the parents’ responsibility to overrule a child and the person they are manipulating whether that’s another child or an adult. We teach our kids it’s OK to ask for certain things, sometimes - but sometimes it’s rude. If someone doesn’t want to watch your favourite film, they are the guest so it’s their choice. No, you can’t go to every party your brother goes to. And certainly little Janie has plenty of toys at home and doesn’t need to take yours home, thank you anyway.

I bet your kid is really cute...for now...

'DD goes to playdate. She asks if she can get random plastic toy from their house, playdate mum says yes. DD upgrades her request to another toy that is nicer. "Oh, actually, can I take this instead?"'

I took this to mean to play with at play date

Surely not meaning taking home?

That's not cute, or cheeky or whatever, that's rude and selfish. Allowing her to manipulate her friends etc...what do you do to stop it?

Cheeky brat springs to mind, I certainly wouldn't be proud of her behaviour and to extrapolate it into a future of running the UN or whatever is tilting a windmills whilst wearing rose-coloured glasses.

My DS and his friends used to borrow toys from each other's houses when they were little; we knew said toy would come home soon and that it was a mutual thing. Never permitted for the precious beloved items though! I think they are a bit old for it now though.

I think it's less likely the girl will grow up to be an assertive go getter in business and more likely be one of the CF adults that so many threads here are about.

• The bride demanding a better present.

• The next door neighbour who after being allowed to stay in your holiday home once, makes a copy of the keys and stays multiple times.

• The neighbour who puts a door into your private garden and destabilises the party wall.

• The Mum who expects you to foot the bill for her for soft play.