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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my 6yo a CF? (Light-hearted!)

127 replies

Larrythecat · 23/10/2018 10:53

I'm conflicted. My 6yo (DD) is polite with please and thank yous, but you give her a penny and she will ask for a pound (literally). On the one hand, I think this is a great skill to have for when she is older, I picture her negotiating salaries at her annual PDR, or convincing a colleague to do that job she doesn't really like, or getting the best cuts at the butcher. I don't know. But then, right now, I feel like stopping her and restraining that skill for the sake of playdates and good relationship with other mums. I feel she can be a tiny bit of a CF sometimes, but at the same time I'm secretly proud of her negotiating skills and I'm not sure I should stop her! Plus the dynamics of gender here really play a part. I feel it looks worse because she's a girl and assertiveness is not really rewarded at this age...
Examples (loosely adapted, for anonymity): DD goes to playdate. She asks if she can get random plastic toy from their house, playdate mum says yes. DD upgrades her request to another toy that is nicer. "Oh, actually, can I take this instead?"
DD is present when someone invites little brother to party. DD puts puppy eyes and asks if she can go. We say no and that she can do something nice that day instead. Party mum feels sorry and says yes because someone dropped out. She has effectively pushed her way in the party. DD goes to party and asks for party bag at the end, which she then wants to exchange for a different bag because the one given was "for boys". She's told off by us.
DD would ask super nicely in front of other people if she could please go to their house for a playdate. I keep saying she can't invite herself to other people's houses. People invite her over after that. She then pushes for having tea at their house, which sometimes she gets. This requests are made with sweet little girl's face, she would look at friend and say "oh, maybe I can stay for tea at yours!", so they would both turn to the other mum and beg her.
DD goes and asks people directly, instead of coming through us. So all of a sudden I head people either agreeing or putting excuses for playdates, school holidays trips, weekend plans, whatever. Usually just in the shape of meeting at the park or someone's house, but still!
DD wants to see film on TV. Friend doesn't like said film. DD starts with "just let me show you the start, it has this thing (random thing not important in the plot that only appears once) that you really really like. I'll show it to you and if you don't like it, then we put the one you like"... Followed by film already on, random detail does not come until minute 30, friend has forgotten about her choice and now they watch this film. She had her way.

I feel it's rude... But then I think I'd like her to have that skill after her teenage years, so she can navigate adulthood asking for what she likes or wants. I feel I'm repressing her now but that in ten years I'll be doing the work to reverse it. I'm tempted to let her be and just excuse her to the parents...

Is your child a bit of a CF? Do you think it pays off in life later on? Is this really that bad or am I overthinking it and people don't pay attention to this from a child this age?

OP posts:
Deadringer · 23/10/2018 11:43

It's rudeness and you need to teach her some manners. She is pushing in where she is not wanted and asking for stuff that is not for her and instead of saying no you are allowing her to do it and admiring her rudeness. She has an excuse, she is 6 and doesn't know any better, but you should really have a bit more cop on.

Unicornandbows · 23/10/2018 11:45

I don't think I would put it down to confidence but more so narcissistic and would try to get her to feel more empathy and get her to see a bigger picture rather than just her personal gains iykwim

Tomatoesrock · 23/10/2018 11:46

Shw knows how yo use people to her advantage. You definitely need to discourage it and say No more often. I hate when a child asked over and over, I still say No and usually their DM is in shock at their sad face when they're refused.

RandomObject · 23/10/2018 11:58

There is good and bad assertive. You aren't teaching her to know the difference so she isn't going to have any useful life skill.

NWQM · 23/10/2018 12:08

Good negotiators get the best deal but make everyone feel 'happy' with the outcome. If not people won't do busy with you again. Is your daughter often not asked back to the same house after she has got her way? We've not had children back who who effectively been rude and made out the offered hospitality wasn't enough. We are just busy a lot when I've cottoned on to what the child is like.

Agree though that assertiveness in girls can be seen differently. The language used is harsh and against a girl whereas it's positive & affirming for a boy. I watch for that and correct it.

At 6 though all the examples that you have used make her sound not like she is negotiating but that she is entitled and manipulative. I'd be nipping that it the bud as it'll get her no-one good in the long run.

Seeline · 23/10/2018 12:10

I can't believe you're standing back and letting the other parents deal with this!
You have to pull your DD up on this at the time it's happening.

LegoandiPads · 23/10/2018 12:28

I hate this kind of behaviour. I think it incredibly rude of parents to allow it. I know a couple of boys like this and it gives me the rage. I hate that as the adult it is me on the spot and they are not dealt with by the parents who just smile benignly at their precious lambkins.

No to taking toys.
No to coming to parties you are not invited too.
Visiting children get to choose films (from an acceptable list).

BlowPoke · 23/10/2018 12:31

In my life I’ve met few adults who are so greedy and oblivious that I’ve wondered how they could have possibly become that way. I never guessed that there mums who actually encoursge this kind of behavior and are even proud of it! Or at least they tell themselves that to justify lazy parenting. It’s normal for kids to be blunt and test social boundaries but it’s our job to teach them empathy and manners. You may believe your DD would be a good negotiator even though being pushy and self-centered is actually the opposite of effective negotiating but you’re assuming she would be offered the job in the first place. Nobody wants to hire a person who just steamrolls over everyone else in order to get her way.

I do see your point about the gender component but as PPs have pointed out there is a huge difference between assertive and aggressive. You are doing your DD no favors by allowing her to behave like a six year old for the rest of her life.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/10/2018 12:35

She doesn't sound like she's negotiating, she sounds like she's manipulating, and being unkind and selfish. This is definitely not a good thing.

With the film example, negotiating would be suggesting one child chooses now and one chooses next time, or suggesting a third option they are both happy with. Cheating so she gets 100% of what she wants and the other child gets 0% is not negotiating.

I know a child like this. They got away with it while they were small but from about y3 they were excluded by other kids as they weren't really a very nice friend.

I think you should address your dd's behaviour.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 23/10/2018 12:40

I know a woman who behaves just like the OP's daughter and I'm sure her parents thought it assertive and "cute" when she was 6 too.

Fast forward 30 years and she's now self-centred and totally oblivious to how her demands come across. She takes advantage of people's kindness, constantly asks for favours and never returns them, "borrows" items which she has to be nagged to return and talks about herself constantly without bothering to ask how you're doing.

OP nip it in the bud. Pronto.

Horrordoeurvres · 23/10/2018 12:45

Complete lack of manners and really embarrassing actually, can't believe you don't pull her up for this stuff? she'll end up with no friends left at this rate and no parents willing to have her round either.

RedDrink · 23/10/2018 12:45

As her parent you still get to veto whatever she's talked and pushed her way into. That's not stunting her potential it's just good parenting. Sounds like she's running over you too and you're completely oblivious to it.

PuppyMonkey · 23/10/2018 12:47

Nice try with the “lighthearted” in your thread title OP. Grin

There’s being a confident and assertive child, then there’s being an overindulged pain in the arse (at times). I think you need to step in more to let her know what’s polite and what’s not.

PotteryLady · 23/10/2018 12:57

She does sound rude. People will think you have taught her no manners. Step in and stop her. Sorry this is not what you want to hear.

longwayoff · 23/10/2018 12:58

If you want her to adjust her behaviour then you need to be less admiring of it. Why would she change? It gets her what she wants and parental approval.

ContessaGoesAMarching · 23/10/2018 13:02

DS1 does this with us - I'd die of shame of he tried it on non-family members! I hate it as a behaviour - so horribly entitled. I hope it's lessening as we (well, I) stand firm against it.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2018 13:02

Where are you in all this? Why don't you say no, you can't have that toy, no you can't stay for tea, no watch that movie. Who is giving her guidance when all this is going on ?

BiologyMatters · 23/10/2018 13:06

If she came to mine for a playdate and behaved like that she wouldn't be invited back again. And I would assume that her parents have a real problem saying no to her.

NoOffence · 23/10/2018 13:11

Rude & greedy, wouldn’t want my kid hanging around with her.

Zebra31 · 23/10/2018 13:13

Op you need to deal with your DD behaviour. I was cringing whilst reading your op. Your op makes her sound rude and very manipulative. There is a difference between negotiating with someone and lying/manipulating someone or a situation so you get your own way. If you want to help your DD develop positive and assertive communicatice skills thenyou need to learn why her current behaviour is so far from this.

People will have noticed that she’s manipulative and that you aren’t addressing her behaviour. You don’t want your DD to get a reputation as a manipulative child and you as the parent that allows this behaviour. Eventually people will start avoiding her and you. Also your younger DC may learn that your DD behaviour is normal and start replicating it.

toherdoor · 23/10/2018 13:19

God my ds has a friend like this. No manners. Always trying to manipulate me into more screen time or whatever it is he wants. It's clear he has no boundaries at home. I can't stand when he comes over.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 23/10/2018 13:19

Your description of the film watching makes your daughter sound like a frenemy and a bit of a bully tbh.

PoesyCherish · 23/10/2018 13:22

She sounds extremely rude. I had a friend like this growing up and it put my Mum in a difficult situation with this kid constantly asking to stay over, have dinner etc.

I think being firm and saying no is the right way to go on this and also encouraging empathy so she understands why she can't keep being this way.

Kittykat93 · 23/10/2018 13:24

Sorry op but I agree with the other posters on here.

Your daughter's behaviour may seem cute and cheeky now she's only 6, but in a couple of years time you may find yourself dealing with a very rude child who no one wants to be around. I'd be nipping this behaviour in the bud.

You can be confident and assertive whilst still being polite and having manners.

Fiveletters · 23/10/2018 13:25

Rude and annoying.

I’d limited my child’s contact with a child like this. Why is she asking to take toys away from somebody else’s house?
The party thing would annoy me, the party bag situation is even worse! It’s not good negotiation m, it’s being entitled.

I can’t imagine many people think the skill of “palming off the crap jobs you don’t want to do to colleagues” is a good skill?! Surely better to muck in and work as a team.

I think you need to explain to her that this is rude behaviour and where the boundaries lie. She needs to wait to be invited not putting mums on the spot, I’d be cursing you for not stepping in at this point.