Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.

When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...

What the fuck do I do?

One of DD’s friends is of Jamaican descent and I am good friends with her Mum.
They both have straight hair that I didn’t realise was a weave at first (didn’t think about it to be honest). DD’s friend showed us a photo of her as a young child with an Afro and I commented how lovely her hair looked and that she should have her hair like that sometimes
Her Mum was horrified and said that it would look like “she couldn’t be bothered”, apparently having an Afro is just not done and is slovenly and lazy. I had no idea that this was the case
I asked a couple of other black friends ( the term they prefer) and they agreed that having an Afro = not taking pride in your appearance.
So it sounds like the pressure is coming from within their community as well as society in general.
I think it’s a shame that anyone would be judged/penalised for their natural appearance

Every day I learn a new thing on MN. I assumed black women styled their hair because they liked to; like I get mine straightened and highlighted. I had no idea that an afro style took the levels of work you’ve talked of here.

The £200 every 6 weeks is stretching the truth somewhat.

OP like a PP stated white people don't care about your hair especially men. You actually will get more shit from other black people especially women over wearing your hair natural. Luckily for me I work in a male dominated profession. I actually got told my hair looked better when I cut it off and went natural by men. (Then again I have a habit of dying it.)

In regards to being followed around shops and being treated badly in dhops in general - it depends where exactly you are and how old people think you are how you get treated. If they think you are young they think they can be as rude as possible until you challenge them and state your age. I should add I nearly got into an argument with a white customer who was being rude to a 60 someyhing year old black shop assistant because the customer thought she was in her 40s so could be rude.

mind my evil auntie used to use a metal dog brush on my thick coarse hair. My scalp used to bleed it was so sore.

lady I flinched at your post.

I hate that you are faced with this dilemma. FWIW, I think natural afro hair is beautiful and brave, particularly cropped close or in a huge fro. I have huge respect for you swimming against the tide and being true to yourself. You are setting an amazing example and changing opinions so your daughter does not have to face the same prejudice. Hold your head up high.

OP I haven’t read your whole thread just the first page. I am sure you must feel pressure to change from a range of sources, let alone be judged to be on here asking this question. It just seems surely you must be true to yourself, as it would be crazy to change a personal preference because of other people’s opinions. If you are finding that how you wear your hair is preventing you from actually getting interviewed, could you just wear wigs temporarily until you gain the job of your choice and once settled, go back to how you prefer to wear your hair?

Clearly any employer who pressured you to wear your hair in a certain way would be breaking the law. I’m sorry if these questions have already been asked, but what field of work are you in?

Natural hair is beautiful and of course it’s healthy and more cost effective.

If you don't mind asking (sorry if I've missed it earlier in the thread) what industry do you work in? I work in learning and development.
I too have afro hair which I have worn natural apart from short breaks wearing wigs here and there for 6 years.
I have had thoughts similar to you, but now I'm in my mid thirties I embrace who I am. If anything turn up for any future interviews in a wig and then a few weeks in (after getting the job that is) go all natural! If that's a problem for a perspective employer then you could have a genuine discrimination case.

I too find wigs uncomfortable and really think the more black women who wear there hair natural is the more common place and acceptable it will be, so I guess I feel we all have a kind of responsibility to be true to ourselves and not feel pressure to conform unless we really want to.

As a young black woman who wear braids/natural hair/weaves in a professional environment I cannot stress enough that emphasis of looking after your hair!

Too many have an afro and don't bother to comb it, moisturise it as they should. Lupita looks like that because she takes care of her hair. For my it's about what is practical. British weather does not do any favours for my hair so for that it's proactive styling in the winter and natural hair in the summer. Plenty of videos from bloggers on YouTube and Instagram showing creative natural hairstyles to give some inspiration. (if you can stand short hair in the cold) 😊.

One of my friends (who only wears natural hair) who works in banking will often say that its about what you are pairing your look with. Natural hair often makes people look younger, so wear something nice a bit of make up (if you wear it) if not just look presentable generally. But most importantly your hair is your crown, wear it confidently people will fall in line.

I know lots of people already said it, but I'm sorry you are having to even consider this. To me, hair is beautiful in all its forms and I wish you didn't have to experience discrimination because of it. But I totally believe that you do.

I'm sending this thread to someone I know who bemoaned how "fake" styles prevail. Perhaps he doesn't understand the pressure women might feel to get weaves and other expensive and perhaps harmful treatments. Men have it easy - they just shave it off!

FWIW I'm a professional who employs other professionals I'm not sure I care too much about hair as an indicator of your employability or competence. Though if it looks lovely I might complement you!
Good luck x

Sorry another thing - paying £200 for weaves is robbery (unless you're including the cost of buying the hair too) . Don't forget that looking after natural hair can prove costly too (spent £250 on keracare products a few weeks ago, I got a bit crazy in store)!

I just Googled tension alopecia. That’s horrifying. And even more so that you and so many women are put in a position where you feel you have to effectively harm yourselves to be accepted as an equal. It reminds me of skin lightening creams.

Only you can decide what you can do with your own hair and the level of pressure you can tolerate. However, as an ‘out there’ idea, would it be worth grabbing some of the women who have shared their experiences on this thread and starting a campaign to celebrate natural afro styles? If you could get a celebrity like Lupita Nyong'o to support, or put out a Tweet, that would get a lot of attention and start a conversation to get people thinking about this.

Just watching Dr Who with Bill in it. Her hair looks great, and easy, I would have assumed easy. Shocked how much time and money she must spend doing it. I could only imagine afro hair, legitimately being a problem at work would be if somebody had dreadlocks or something big like that and needed to wear some sort of helmet.

Went to an African wedding recently (DH is African so this is a frequent occurrence) and noticed lots of the young women 18 to 25 had natural hair. I noticed as mentioned it to DH. I felt it was a positive change in the younger ones to embrace their culture. My dc are mixed so we like seeing people with full afro's, DC think they're cool. DD definitely refuses to have her hair messed with, and ds only likes his curls trimmed not shaved. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not one to judge how a black person does their hair, that's their perogative, but really like seeing young black kids embracing natural hair as it's good for my dc to see.

I am so sorry to hear that our culture is still this racist. It's horrible but having only fairly recently discovered how much sexism there still is just under the surface, I'm less surprised than I would have been a few years ago.

I'm hearing from your op that it's a difficult path to tread but I hope you can keep your natural hair. Being true to yourself is more important than anything else and it seems that this is the option you most want - what you don't want is the discrimination that goes with it. It's easy for me to say this with my white privilege so I wouldn't criticise if you go with one of the other paths.

On a very vaguely similar vein - I decided a while ago (around the same time as realising how sexist our culture still is) that to be true to myself I needed to stop wearing makeup and show only my natural face to the world. I know some people - especially in my employment - judge me as unprofessional and lazy because of this. That's due to their own misogyny (yes even if they are women) just like anyone judging you is racist. We can't stop people from being racist/sexist etc by conforming to their bigotry.

Ah, misogynoir.

I suppose on purely practical grounds OP, is spending the amount of money you're considering likely to pay for itself? Ie if you're held back at work because of your appearance, which I could believe, is changing it going to have a positive impact? Because if it's not, is it worth bothering?

@Amlen I remember Keracare, used to make my hair feel so beautiful. Are they sulphate free now?

I feel really ignorant after reading this post and horrified at the lack of choice I perceive. Awful. I would never randomly touch someone’s hair mind you.

I saw a woman the other day with an Afro, she was seriously rocking it, looked amazing and had the opportunity arisen, I’d have so been that weirdo to pay a compliment to a stranger.

Do what you feel is best for you, forget anyone else!

@Faultymain5 from what I can see looking at the ingredients for the hair mask sulphur free it is!

I use their hair mask (they don't do mayonnaise unfortunately) leave in conditioner and edge control. My hairs mid length so tend to stock up on these for the deep conditioning days.

I witnessed my best friend going through this process.
She settled for a really close crop which she’s had for about 5 years now. She has the best cheekbones and can totally carry it. But it’s not been without repercussions. She is high up In nursing and has had some idiotic comments from
One boss.
It’s such unnecessary mine field op, I hope you find your way through.

I think it sucks that you have these experiences. I think Lupita's hair is gorgeous (helps that she is stunning!)

A good friend of mine has also gone for a close crop - looks gorgeous on her, she finds it extremely easy to manage and she feels it looks smart. She is a professional woman in traditional office setting.

Faulty - I get loads of my products from beauty by Zara as they have more choice. I don't use shampoo but the As I am Co wash is gorgeous, I like Shea moisture for conditioner and eco gel or cantu for styling. Want to try the soultanicals range next as it's meant to smell incredible

It makes me laugh when people say "just run some GHDs over it"
My hair isn't Afro but it still takes 24hrs to dry naturally, I can use a tube of conditioner in one wash (co wash and condition) and I've never had greasy hair in my life 

One of my friends has weaves in her hair, but her children (mixed race) wear their hair naturally. Sometimes the children have a large afro, sometimes it's pulled down/back.

As others have said here, my opinion (which is that it looks amazing naturally) doesn't help your current situation. It's absolutely crap that people are so idiotic that they judge others on the way they wear their hair or the clothes they wear. If it were an employer then I'd be looking at the company rulebook very carefully to see if the employer were breaking any codes of conduct or acting in a discriminatory way.

Please go with natural and encourage others too! It's beautiful and as you have covered...far cheaper to maintain!
I have so many friends who spend fortunes and imo look so unnatural!
Weaves can be spotted and I am not one with great attention to detail. But one can always be confident that a black lady with straight natural hair is not natural that's for sure.
Watching the whole hair wiggle as they scratch their scalp...which they do a lot because the hair must be so uncomfortable....Not a good look.

Embrace your beautiful hair and keep on being a great role model to your daughter x