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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my DM still treating me like a teenager?

111 replies

RoseLillian · 22/10/2018 12:12

DM sent me a birthday card along the lines of a daughter who brings happiness where ever she goes, mess too, but happiness as well. Ok the sentiment is sweet, but I am in my late 30’s, married and a mother of 2 and I am actually quite a tidy person. I admit I was quite messy in my teens and probably into my 20’s, but a lot of people are. I grew out of it. I was also on the phone to her the other day and mentioned we had someone round taking photos of the house as we are putting it on the market. She said ‘well I hope the house was tidy’. Does she think we are stupid? I wouldn’t mind, but she has never been round our house and it not be tidy. The other thing she likes to comment on is me taking ages to get ready. Again I did as a teenager, but it is something I grew out of around 20 years ago. Certainly as a mother to young children, I don’t get time to spend on myself.

Is it something I should just accept? Are all Mums like this? Certainly not worth an argument, but it bugs me.

OP posts:
emss55 · 22/10/2018 12:26

Hi RoseLillian yes they are all like that. I now know that they don't mean to come across unkind but we prob left home in our 20's or younger and they remember us as untidy teens who have not grown up. I'm in my 50's and my mum still told me to be careful crossing the road to a neighbour's house! They just never stop worrying about you. My Mum isn't around now to "tell me what to do" in a nice way and I miss it so much. Just listen and nod then do your own thing anyway.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/10/2018 12:34

Right up until he passed away I had to text or phone my dad after I'd been on a night out or after visiting him so he knew I was home safe. I think that's just a typical dad though.

Knittedfairies · 22/10/2018 12:38

OP, I get that’s it’s annoying; my mum used to tell me to put a sweater on if it was cold, but you may well find yourself having similar thoughts when your children are all grown up. It’s hard to switch off being a parent.

Sonders · 22/10/2018 12:41

I totally get you. I think my mum can be an extreme version of this, it's like she's not learned a thing about me since I moved out when I was 18. Sadly some of the things she brings up as 'jokes' were actually symptoms of serious depression.

charge282 · 22/10/2018 12:56

Oh no OP I completely agree with you. This sort of thing really drives me up the wall.

When I was 20 (and had moved out 2 years before), my grandma told me she was looking forward to us all staying in the same place on Christmas Day so that she could "watch me open my parcels". She said it with no irony whatsoever.

I disagree that this is the sort of thing that people should just put up with. I find it really infantilising. I will never be like this with my kids.

RB68 · 22/10/2018 13:04

I am 50 and my parents still want to look after me where they can, although these days practically its the other way around as Dad has been on and off ill since HE was 52 and Mum recently had a bad fall and seizure which has triggered dementia like symptoms and caused alot of upheaval etc as the roles reversed and Dad had to become her carer and take on the mental load of the house etc.

Cherish it - and find a way to deal with it so laugh and say yes of course I tidied - you can't be a messy teen when you have two kids of your own to contend with etc. Take joy from the fact they are still there to call after a night out. Smile at the nostalgia of opening parcels with relatives watching.

You won't ever really change what they do without hurting them - so learn to take the good and accept the indifferent and feel the love around the sentiment.

EnglishRose13 · 22/10/2018 13:05

My mum has often described me as "nocturnal".

I am, and I have always been, an early bird. If I sleep in past 7:30 I consider that a lie in.

She thinks she's funny. She's not.

Our mums sound so similar. I think it's just a mum thing. Let's hope we don't do it to our kids, eh?

GummyGoddess · 22/10/2018 13:10

I think they're all like it. My mum likes to remind me of when I was eating badly, messy, her opinion of my 'bad' clothing. Yet it annoyed her when her own mum did the same!

I have vowed not to do this to my children, it makes me feel like a sulky teenager rather than an adult.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/10/2018 13:35

There are some elements of this with all parents I think. I've grown up to be a responsible adult but my mum still reminds me of the time I ran out into the road when I was about 7 and how I hated phoning banks and asking for things in shops etc. as an older teenager.

Willow789 · 22/10/2018 13:42

I think this is just a mum thing. I think my parents forget I'm not a teenager sometimes - even though I have children of my own! I don't mind it. They're very caring and generous, if a little over bearing.

VeryQuaintIrene · 22/10/2018 13:59

It's normal. I find it annoying and sweet in roughly equal measures.

trinitybleu · 22/10/2018 14:21

Mines the same.

When I went to put makeup on... "if you come down looking like a clown, we're not going until you've scrubbed it off!" I'm 42. I've never looked like a clown.

When I bought a moped... "I need to have a serious conversation with you about the fact you need to wear a helmet." Again, 42. If I don't want to wear a helmet, that's my call (I will)

It's a family joke.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 22/10/2018 14:34

My mil does this, she seems to think we still live in the same conditions we did when we lived in student houses. She Skype us on Xmas day and was horrified there was wrapping paper all over the floor and reminded us we needed to clear it up before family came round boxing day. As if we hadn't noticed it and was just going yo leave it there!

My mum also loves to offer to look up my train times for me when I come to visit and remind me that I need to buy a ticket!

Notso · 22/10/2018 15:06

My Mum does slip into this on occasion. She loves to do mock horror at tidiness. Which has got very old.

PIL are the absolute worst with their children which has extended to their children's spouses and their grandchildren.
We're renovating a house and FIL is forever telling us we'll have an eye out, finger off, be electrocuted or fall off a ladder 🙄

Original poster
RoseLillian · 22/10/2018 17:53

Thank you all it makes me feel so much better that I am not alone.

Awwlookatmybabyspider - my DM also makes me message when I get home after I’ve visited.

She also speaks like I can’t manage my own finances. I moved out when I was 18 (to do a maths degree). Bought my own house when I was in my early/mid 20’s. I don’t own a credit card and have never been in debt (apart from the mortgage). Yet she’ll still comment that I waste money every time I buy a new item of clothing for DD’s or myself. The funniest was when she said that I didn’t need to buy summer clothes for Dd2, as I she had x and y item. I pointed out that x and y item were newborn clothes and she was now in 3-6 months. She had no summer clothes that fitted at the time and it was 20plus degrees. The fact that it’s mine and my husbands money that we earn and manage perfectly well doesn’t even cross her mind.

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 22/10/2018 17:55

Yes, my mum is the same I’m afraid! Sends me crackers

TinklyLittleFart · 22/10/2018 17:56

No, you are not alone. It is a Dad thing too. Messy bedrooms from over 30 years ago are harked back to as if they are last week

ALongHardWinter · 22/10/2018 18:21

My late DM was exactly like this. I left home just before I turned 19,and throughout my 20s,30s and 40s,she continued to talk to me and about me as if I was a 13 year old teenager. She would frequently make remarks about me getting up late. Yes when I was a teenager I did,but as a 25 year old married mum with 5 year old DD to get to school,I was hardly going to be laying in bed until midday. It was the same regarding tidyness. I admit that up until I was 15 or 16,I was very untidy. Then,something happened in my brain (I don't know what!) and I literally grew out of it overnight. But right up until shortly before she died,she was berating me for my so called untidyness. I can honestly say that for last 20 years of her life,I was tidier than she was!

TheArtfulScreamer · 22/10/2018 18:25

I'm 37 (and moved out at 18) my mum still tells me to be careful if I'm using a sharp knife and on occasions tries to hold my hand as we cross the road 😂

OublietteBravo · 22/10/2018 18:28

My mother still wants to know exactly when I’m away and where I’m going - even for work trips. She gets annoyed if she doesn’t know, and I’m supposed to phone the instant I get back. It drives me mad. I left home 25 years ago and have my own house/family/life.

BetsyBigNose · 22/10/2018 18:29

Yep, my Mum is the same.

DD1 (aged 11) has just gone abroad with Guides and a week ago we were talking about the trip and my Mum says to her "Has Mummy checked that your Passport is in date?".... No, of course she hasn't you cretin. We were just hoping they'd let her over the border with her Library card. FFS, I'm 38!

blueskiesandforests · 22/10/2018 18:34

My parents assigned us labels/ rolls before we got puberty and stopped noticing anything that contradicted the boxes they'd put is in after age 11 I suspect... Sometimes they mix us up and insist that we did such and such with good friend xyz when that was a sibling...

It is annoying not to be seen or known by some of the people who claim to know you best, and I hope I won't do it, but who knows. I guess it's hard to see your parents clearly as individuals, the way you would if you'd only met them as an adult too. Too close for comfort.

DNAwrangler · 22/10/2018 18:34

I once listened to my FIL telling DH how to fill up and boil our kettle. Big standard kettle. That we've had for years.

'hold it right under the tap now or some of the water will escape. Slowly does it. Make sure you go above that line there, it's the least you can boil...'

Don't know how DH didn't accidentally spray him with the cold water. God knows how he thinks we boil the kettle (or look after the kids!) normally.

blueskiesandforests · 22/10/2018 18:34

Hit puberty, not got!

EnglishRose13 · 22/10/2018 19:37

If I'm out with my mum and my child, if she pops to the toilet or something she will ask if I'm going to be okay watching my son...