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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my DM still treating me like a teenager?

111 replies

RoseLillian · 22/10/2018 12:12

DM sent me a birthday card along the lines of a daughter who brings happiness where ever she goes, mess too, but happiness as well. Ok the sentiment is sweet, but I am in my late 30’s, married and a mother of 2 and I am actually quite a tidy person. I admit I was quite messy in my teens and probably into my 20’s, but a lot of people are. I grew out of it. I was also on the phone to her the other day and mentioned we had someone round taking photos of the house as we are putting it on the market. She said ‘well I hope the house was tidy’. Does she think we are stupid? I wouldn’t mind, but she has never been round our house and it not be tidy. The other thing she likes to comment on is me taking ages to get ready. Again I did as a teenager, but it is something I grew out of around 20 years ago. Certainly as a mother to young children, I don’t get time to spend on myself.

Is it something I should just accept? Are all Mums like this? Certainly not worth an argument, but it bugs me.

OP posts:
sizeofalentil · 22/10/2018 20:37

My MIL does this to me all the time.

I didn't meet her (or DH) until I was in my 30s, so she's ascribed me random traits that belong to her own children eg. I always lose things. Drives me insane when she slowly explains things to me like I'm a little bit stupid - and it's not even something I do anyway!

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 22/10/2018 20:39

And aunts too. My aunt tells everyone I'm like a child. I'm 51!

BoomTish · 22/10/2018 20:43

My mother is like that. If she’s visiting, she’ll tell me ahead of time not to “spend hours trying to get the house clean” Hmm

She also seems to think I’m still 12. If she sees anything with glitter or feathers, she’ll remark that it’s like something I’d wear. I went through a typical Claire’s phase in my tweenage years.

I’m 36 now, and don’t wear pink boas.

BoomTish · 22/10/2018 20:50

Come to think of it, my dad is a bit the same. Not as much as attributing a personality type to me, but he seems to think he’s the only adult in a situation.

As an example, I bought a new car recently. Well known, reliable brand. When he found out, he told me I shouldn’t buy X brand, I should buy Y because that what he’s always had and they’re great. I said that was nice, but I wanted X and was happy with it. Then he kind of tutted saying I should learn to take advice Hmm

I find it best just to turn it back on him. I said “Dad, when you were my age, you had 3 kids and your own business. Did you ask your dad’s permission to change your car?” I like to think it made him think a little, but maybe not!

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2018 21:15

my grandma told me she was looking forward to us all staying in the same place on Christmas Day so that she could "watch me open my parcels". Well, why not? It's nice watching people open their parcels whatever age they are.

Remember that we've got to know our children through 18 years, or over 6500 days, of pretty daily contact of several hours a day. And that since then we've seen them for perhaps 6-12 days a year. Is it any surprise that we think of our DC as they were as children and teenagers? We know their adult selves less than their friends do.

LucyMorningStar · 22/10/2018 21:38

Oh yes, I know what you mean. My mum is well into mumsplaining, drives me mad! I've been living away for 13 years, I'm in my 30s, I'm a mum myself and yet when she's around she makes me feel like I'm 12 again!

jmh740 · 22/10/2018 22:15

We moved last year and now have a front garden my mum keeps telling me the neighbours are going to fall out with me because I'm mot cutting the grass enough every time I see her she asks if I've cut the grass, I'm 44!

purpleme12 · 22/10/2018 22:28

Yes my mum's like this too. But I find it really disrespectful. Like she doesn't see me as a person.

Once when my child was a toddler and we were going out she said does she have a coat. I said no (she had a cardi which I knew would be fine) she punished me like I was a child! She said right well you're not coming in the car then! (I don't drive, we were going on a family day out and I was going in their car) all because I didn't listen to her what she thought was best for my daughter! Our relationship isn't great. And I'm not doing things she does with my daughter

PositivelyPERF · 22/10/2018 22:44

Aww I think it’s really sweet. My wee mil used to say, “your children never stop being your children”. She also used to tell my DH, then partner, that as long as he was paying house keeping he was still living at home (Irish Catholic mammy) He paid house keeping for two years, while living in my flat. It only stopped when we bought a house. 😁

My mother was a wanker, so I probably have a different take on it.

Thank goodness for Mumsnet or I’d be swimming across the Irish Sea, every time my middle child sneezed. 😳 Mind you, I still think he’s far too young to be in charge of his own team. He’s 25. 🤣

PositivelyPERF · 22/10/2018 22:45

purpleme12 that’s awful and I know not every mother is overly concerned, but just horrible bullies.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/10/2018 23:13

Mind you, Artful as a mum I'm exactly the same. Move that from there or you might fall over and crash into the wall and crack your head etc ect. Roll your sleaves up when you're cooking. My dds like "Mum I'm sure you think I'm stupid". I'll hold my hands up I'm just total safety freak
What's known as the fear I.guess.

anniehm · 22/10/2018 23:23

You are always a child in your parents eyes! My mum calls me before going on holiday with the hotel details and tells me to call her mobile if I need anything - my kids are grown up, we are middle aged (pains me to write that I don't like that label) and we are far more likely to have to rush because one of them is ill!

FreeButtonBee · 22/10/2018 23:33

I think there is a differenc ever week the instinctive caring/can’t get out of the ‘parent’ Mindset comment and the fundamentally misunderstanding tour kids/forgetting that they can and do change.

My mum always said of me that my bras always fell jam side up (ie I’m lucky). I think it took until I had twins and really had a hard time for the first year and then another in quite close succession for her to see that my life wasn’t a walk in the park.

But the odd joke about the time I thought I was never coming home as my granddad ran out of petrol and my younger brother had to push the car down some Irish back lane is fair cop and the stuff that families are made off.

MIL. However cannot recognise her children have changed. And so they pull further and further away from her. It’s sad but there are knot so many times you can here the same stories of how her sons misbehaved and she punished them or didn’t understand or try to with out losing sympathy and realising why they don’t answer questions directly.

catmum94 · 23/10/2018 00:04

I think mums will always be mums! The other day my MIL asked me if I'd been using my credit card and if I'm being good with money. I just smiled and said no I've not needed to use it and yes I'm always good with money. It drives me absolutely insane but I prefer to ignore it for an easy life!

claraschu · 23/10/2018 00:11

As a mother, you try to hold on to the beloved precious child who no longer exists. You love and cherish the adult who replaced that child, but you still feel a connection to the early version which you knew so intimately. These comments are just a parent's attempt to keep that child alive in their memory.

SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 23/10/2018 00:23

My mum always said of me that my bras always fell jam side up (ie I’m lucky).

That’s a new one! 😂

Birdie69 · 23/10/2018 03:45

My Mum has been dead for 15 years, but whenever I leave the house I can hear her voice saying " Have you got your glasses ?"

I forgot my glasses maybe twice in my life but she always said that forever afterwards and it drove me mad ! But Mums never change. Let it wash over you.

NoUnicornsToSeeHere · 23/10/2018 03:58

I’ve found my people! My Dad can rarely visit without alluding to my lack of tidiness as a teenager. (We had a cleaner; my room had to be hooverable once a week; the majority of the floor mess was the notes and books relating to my a Levels in which - if we’re harking back to teenage achievement- I did very well). If my children tidy up now Dad will say “well you’ve not got that from your mummy”. Catering for 10 at Christmas with an eight month old, working full time, the only thing my dad commented on was that one small surface in the whole house was a bit messy “such a shame you couldn’t have done the top for the piano”. It’s like a stuck record but I do say “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t bother saying it” in earshot to my children which has helped to sink in the message.

Monty27 · 23/10/2018 04:04

I wish I'd had parents like it. It's just Caring and loving. I am probably like it to my DC's. Albeit they are I their 20s and still live at home. It's meant well.
If you hadn't had it you would wish you had.
Believe me.

SusieQ5604 · 23/10/2018 04:12

Y'all need to get a grip! My mama died two years ago and I'd give ANYTHING for her to be here fussing at me or even insulting me about anything at all. Enjoy your parents while you can. Because if you love them, it's devastating when they die. And you can't get time with them back.

Wobblybitts · 23/10/2018 04:27

Tables turned here. My DD tells me off for going barefoot in the house. My feet will get cold don't you know! Grin

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 23/10/2018 04:28

I am a mum, my eldest is nearly 30. I don't usually spend too long at her house, we more often meet up elsewhere, but recently I was there and popped to the loo... the loo looked like it hadn't been cleaned since they moved in 2years ago! So in my case my daughter obviously is still as she was at home ! I was shocked and did say 'it's a bit black under the waterline' she just laughed and said it's just a loo what do I expect ? (Err I expect it to be cleaner than that ! ) for the sake of peace I dropped the subject ... but I was soooo tempted to get supplies from the local shop and re visit the 'this is how we clean a loo ' lesson that I gave her as a teenager !!!
Don't feel bad when us mum's reminisce - we probably hold dear those memories - as you lot grow up so fast !

Monty27 · 23/10/2018 04:41

Aw. Lovely dms on here.
Honestly DC's we mean well Smile

Nakedavenger74 · 23/10/2018 05:41

Arf at 'mumsplaining'

I have lived in 4 countries, I travel weekly for work (mainly flights) and my mum still says 'keep an eye on your luggage mind', 'don't lose your passport' or a bewildering array of other travel based 'advices' based on her experience of once getting on an intercity train between Spalding and Durham in the late 80's.

She once asked me how I managed to iron my 'blouses' when travelling with work. She was aghast that 1. I haven't ironed since 1993 3. Hotels have irons and 3. I don't wear 'blouses'.

blueskiesandforests · 23/10/2018 05:49

There's always one or two.

I'm sorry for your loss Susie but that does not mean nobody else in the world is allowed to have a moan. Every thread about parents if adults has one of those posts on it. Your relationship with your mother was your own. You don't get to scold everyone else on an anonymous forum about theirs with their mothers and be listened to, because they have different relationships with different parents.