To be annoyed at my DM still treating me like a teenager?

[RoseLillian]

DM sent me a birthday card along the lines of a daughter who brings happiness where ever she goes, mess too, but happiness as well. Ok the sentiment is sweet, but I am in my late 30’s, married and a mother of 2 and I am actually quite a tidy person. I admit I was quite messy in my teens and probably into my 20’s, but a lot of people are. I grew out of it. I was also on the phone to her the other day and mentioned we had someone round taking photos of the house as we are putting it on the market. She said ‘well I hope the house was tidy’. Does she think we are stupid? I wouldn’t mind, but she has never been round our house and it not be tidy. The other thing she likes to comment on is me taking ages to get ready. Again I did as a teenager, but it is something I grew out of around 20 years ago. Certainly as a mother to young children, I don’t get time to spend on myself.

Is it something I should just accept? Are all Mums like this? Certainly not worth an argument, but it bugs me.

If I’m at my mum’s house and she’s popping out to the shops or whatever and leaving me alone in the house, she still tells me not to answer the phone or the door like she did when me and my sister were under ten. I’m 40 in a week!

I' m 52 years and my mom still makes face when I buy black clothes.I lived in black as a teenager and always got the comment "black for a change" She hates black clothes and I think it has something to do with having to wear black for a year while in mourning in Ireland right up until the 70's .She loves blouses too!

My mother grabs at me when I cross the road, tuts at my language/hairstyle/clothes and still asks me if I need to go to the toilet before going anywhere. I left home 30 years ago. It is extremely annoying.

The other version of this is adults who have left home and lead well structured, grown up lives. But as soon as they walk back into their parents house revert to being teenagers, expecting home service/ putting their feet up on the coffee table and generally regressing.
Unless its serious interfering in your lives l would grin and bear it.
My dcs ask each other if they got a mom text when they are heading off on holidays etc. They think its hilarious and l have to sit on my hands not to do it.

While I know an element of this is quite normal and just a case of always being your parents child, that's not quite the same imo as the parent who seems determined to define you by some "flaw" they recall from 20 odd years ago and keep trotting out this "fact" about you when it just doesn't apply anymore and hasn't for a long time.

Thankfully my mother doesn't do it about everything but she's another who's convinced I'm just terribly untidy and will make comments such as "Ooh yes you've guests coming, you're probably racing home to clean aren't you" with a knowing, almost satisfied look.

Or in conversation with other people, insist that "Oh CantSleep" has always been so messy you should have seen their room when they were teens! It's said in this sort of conspiratorial what are they like, eh^? tone that really irritates but in such a way that correcting them makes you the crabby arse who "takes everything too seriously" grr .

Yes I was a messy teen but perhaps that had something to do with my sister and I sharing a tiny room with one wardrobe and one shelf unit!! Hardly surprising a lot of our stuff had to live on the floor... I'm 42 now and no, I'm not raising my children in a shit hole. Which she knows because a. she's been in the bloody house often enough and b. we pay a cleaner (much to her horror).

I’ve had a good laugh reading everyone’s responses. Especially the FIL explaining to DH about filling the kettle with water @DNAwrangler.
My mum like to tell me where to park when I’m driving “don’t park next to that car, they will dent your car when they open their doors”. She thinks everyone who drives 4WDs purposely swing their doors open denting other cars 😂🙄

I often turn to my mum and remark how it's amazing how I cope when she isn't around.

At least we laughed about it. MIL refuses to acknowledge that DH is not the exact same person he was when he lived at home (25 years ago). She gets very irritable and makes out we lie about our lives. She'll ask us about a holiday and interrupt to say that DH doesn't like fish so why did I make him go to a seafood place or that he only likes rock so why did I insist on going to the opera? Every time he insists that he chose the restaurant or whatever she gets this look like he's in an abusive relationship and I'm forcing him to do stuff he hates. Because nobody has ever outgrown being a bit of a fussy eater and developed new interests.

Yeah but... I bet loads of you would still go to your mum for help if you got one of these things wrong! Huge numbers of mums bale out their beloved adult offspring, spend hours helping them when they get into difficult situations. It works two ways. I say be tolerant of your anxious mums as long as it’s not too undermining.

I am guilty of giving my son the same sweets in his Christmas stocking well into adulthood only to find out he never really liked them. That’s not what he said when he was 8! 🤨

My mum still says daft stuff like ‘Don’t forget to wear clean clothes’ if I’m going to a job interview or similar. It’s extremely unlikely I’ll forget to do that but Thanks mum . It’s just a hard habit to grow out of I think and in my case I have to do a lot for my mum that she can’t do for herself anymore so it’s her way of still feeling useful.

Ooooh that's so annoying. My mum is the same. The first time she visited my new place after I'd moved in with DP she asked if I'd tidied up just for her! and no she wasn't joking

My dad still tells me to blow my nose when I sniff. I'm nearly 37.

It drives me mad, but it is quite sweet too (long as I'm not living with him!)

Mine reminds me to not leave candles lit etc. I haven't lived with parents since I was 17 (I'm now 31). I've never left the house and left anything lit or switched on so I don't know why she has it in her head. I just say 'yes, mother' and inwardly roll my eyes.

One day the relationship changes though. One day you realise they are old and frail and relying on you, as an adult to understand life and help them. Its a circle. ( they may still be reminding you to put a coat on though!)

My mum still reminds me when the clocks go forward/back. It doesn't matter that most electronic devices do it automatically now.
Bless her, I haven't lived at home for 20years.

I haven’t been bailed out of anything by my parents in twenty years, though I’ve certainly helped them out with some difficult situations - I am much more organised than them. Though I can thank my mother for my ability to write an absolute dinger of a customer complaint letter.

My mum always said of me that my bras always fell jam side up (ie I’m lucky)

if you regularly have jam on your bra, I'm not sure "lucky" is the word I'd use to describe you.

My mum is like this and I hate it. It's infantilising. Every time she's here she reacts with disbelief to every indicator of the fact that, you know, I work, raise two kids, and manage a house perfectly competently. I contain myself to inner eye-rolls (mostly); that said, if one of my parents tried to explain to me how to fill my own kettle, there might be bloodshed.

My mum's not like this at ALL. Nor was my late father. And I am very messy!

But I had a friend who was like this. We'd known each other all through our teens and early twenties, and in her mid to late twenties she had settled down, got a good job, and worked hard at her career. I spent a few extra years getting pissed, then had a baby.

We worked together in our thirties, and she was never able to look past the mental box she had put me in years before: flighty, flirty, borderline alcoholic, with a filthy mouth. Before we ran events, she would remind me not to turn up hungover, not to make sarcastic comments. If I spoke to a man she would raise an eyebrow at me.

Worst, though, was when my father passed and I was going through a tough time in my marriage for unrelated reasons. She shut down any attempt I made to talk, made it sound like I was "a bit blue" rather than grieving, and when I said I was thinking of leaving, she told me I was being silly to think that, and I shouldn't make such decisions when I was "clearly upset." (Not sure when else you would decide to end a marriage!)

As it happens I'm still married, rarely drink, and we're no longer friends.

Mums...bastards eh? Loving you and still feeling maternal? It's SO hard to cope with isn't it?
I'm the same with my grown up kids at times. I know they are grown and successful but when they last lived with me, they weren't. That's how I still identify with them.
When they are both together with me they revert to th squabbling teenagers they were.
I had the opportunity of seeing a presentation my son did at his work, he does lots of them, and I didn't recognise him! I had no idea he was so mature and accomplished. I saw the man, not the boy I knew as my son. It opened my eyes.
Do I still say stupid mother things to him? Yes!

Wait until your children are grown and see how you are.

I'm the youngest of my siblings and my mum once said to my oldest sister "I forget Liz is grown-up sometimes". I'm in my mid forties.

My dad is also the variety who will talk you through filling/boiling the kettle, locking the front door correctly (I still do it wrong apparently, I’m nearly 40) etc. It’s become a source of family hilarity because it just makes me giggle so much. Sometimes I can see in his eyes that he still sees four year old me.

My mother continues the stream of criticism she levelled at me as a child, so I stay away from her. She doesn’t have any respect for the adult I’ve become.

The poster who pointed out how intimately we get to know our children when they’re little and how much time we spend with them has it spot on I think. I have a good, professional career and my parents don’t know what my job is. Nor have they made any effort to find out.

If you want to avoid being less like your parents are now, don’t forget to get to know the adult your child has become. Ask questions. Find out about them.

Yes I agree isleepinahedgefund. Although I don't have a 'professional' job, but happy with my job but I think they don't think as much of me because of this

To be fair, I want to scream "BLOW YOUR FUCKING NOSE!!!!" at people sitting behind me in cafés when I hear them sniff through an entire meal Vickie. These are adults.

MereDint DM sees me once a week for lunch. She doesn't have that excuse.

this definitely happens to me still (as the only child it feels even more focused on me at times) but going the OTHER way whenever i visit them they love to spoil and look after me like i’m a teen again and it’s such a nice break from my own mum life of being at everyone’s beck and call. Someone making lunch for me AND bringing me a coffee just how i like it made?? Yes please

don’t think parents ever stop being parents