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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isnt my problem?

122 replies

upsideup · 21/10/2018 20:47

My 23 year old dd took 11 year old dd and two of her friends to a concert tonight, arranged for them to stay in a hotel and said she will get them all back to school for tomorrow. Dd1 paid for them all and has organised it herself, absolutely nothing to do with me.
They are an hour's drive away and I always knew it was unlikely dd would be in school on time which as it has never happened before I'm okay with.

One of dd1's clients/friends also has an 11 year old dd who today somehow got invited along. They've gone to the concert and all the girls got on well, drove to drop this girl back and were invited in and to stay the night instead of driving all the way to the hotel which is further away from school.

Currently all 4 girls are up in the new girls bedroom together and DD1 has sent a text to the parents (including me) saying they are all fine, are staying at a friends house with her daughter instead of the hotel tonight and will definitely be in school by for maths at 10. Both of dd2's friends parents are saying that its my responsibility to get them to stay in the hotel as planned and to make sure they are in school on time even suggesting that I drive to pick them up tonight and bring them to my house.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at home with 3 younger children, I'm happy for dd2 to stay and think if the other girls parents aren't happy they can go and get their kids tonight or sort it out with dd1 who is an adult they trusted to look after their children.
AIBU to think this isn't my problem? Would you think I should be doing something to sort this out?

OP posts:

Elllicam · 22/10/2018 07:25

I would also be very worried and very annoyed. It would be the last time my child went anywhere near your family.

PinkCalluna · 22/10/2018 07:28

it’s not your responsibility as your DD is an adult but in your place I’d be mortified by her irresponsible actions.

In the other girls’ parents place I have driven to pick up my DD.

I’m mystified why an hours drive means they’d be late for school though.

Surely you just get up at an appropriate time to allow for travel?

I wouldn’t be allowing your DD1 to do any further childcare after this evening.

tenorladybeaker · 22/10/2018 07:43

It's down to you that your 23yo has made it to that age with such a lax attitude to looking after other people's children. I agree you shouldn't be getting in the car and sorting it all out yourself - but you should be letting dd23yo know that this behaviour is utterly unacceptable and demonstrates her to be untrustworthy and immature. At 23yo she should know better and if her own mum won't tell her this then that's letting her down too.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2018 07:47

Jesus, it's not that bad. Plans change. Everyone survived. I would be very happy to have a 23 year old who offered to take and pay for a bunch of 11 year olds to a concert and look after them over night. That is incredibly generous. I think you have a lovely 23 year old!

PinkCalluna · 22/10/2018 07:51

Everyone survived my standards for my DC’s care are set rather higher Lethal.

BarbarianMum · 22/10/2018 07:58

I guess the lesson here is to be careful who you entrust your children to, rather yhen get all excited about free concert tickets/a free hotel room for the night. If they were happy enough to entrust their children to a 23 year old in the first place, then they shpuld either trust her judgement in this or go fetch their kids. It is not the OPs responsibility, she was not part of the arrangements.

Ifoundanacorn · 22/10/2018 08:01

Your dd acted entirely irresponsibly with someone else's child. I would be encouraging her to stop these excursions until she is mature enough to manage things properly.

Poor parents must have been worried sick.

Newerversion · 22/10/2018 08:16

"What hotel accommodates an adult and 3 x 11 year olds?"

Premier inns. I have done this combo many times for gym/dance competitions. It is perfectly fine. Premier inn don't care who the children belong to as long as their is an adult with them.

Newerversion · 22/10/2018 08:21

"I would also be very worried and very annoyed. It would be the last time my child went anywhere near your family."

Wow! So you would actually ban your dd from seeing her friend again?

Nasty family with their generous adult daughter who treats the girls to a concert.

If I entrusted my dd o the care of somebody for an entire day and night then it would only be a person whose judgement I fully trusted. clearly these parents trusted your dd's judgement enough to let their children go with her. If they then decide they are not happy with the arrangements then they can get in their cars and collect their daughters.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2018 08:21

Pink calluna - I have raised kids to adulthood very successfully. I just don't sweat the small stuff

MyBrexitIsIll · 22/10/2018 08:39

I have to laugh at the idea that if a 23yo messed up, then the right thing to do is ring her parents and demand they sort the mess out.
A 23yo, as one that is an adult. One that can have dcs of her own, a job etc etc.

If the dd1 had been 18yo, I could have understood. Not at 23yo.
Amd Not when so many posters are screaming that at 18yo, they are adults and should be treated as such.

Fwiw I think the parents of the other dc knew who organised the trip. Therefore I’m expecting them to sort that out with the organiser. If they thought the dd1 wasn’t trustworthy enough, then they shouldn’t have allowed their children to go to the concert with her.

CherryPavlova · 22/10/2018 08:42

What Pictish said.

MyBrexitIsIll · 22/10/2018 08:45

I agree with Lethal btw.

If I have untrusted my dc to an adult, any adult, then I also trust them to take decisions in my behalf. That includes a change of plan, staying at other people houses etc.
If I couldn’t trust that adult, regardless of their age!!, to do that, then I wouldn’t have let my dc go.

Fwiw having a go at the dd1, ringing her mum asking her to sort things out, or to go and collect the dcs, when the other parents KNEW the OP is 38 weeks pregnant, sounds like they were very happy to receive the gift, the free tickets, the hotel etc... but still expecting to happen THEIR way.
I would have been very annoyed at the parents reactions tbh.

ThatssomedeadbratCarrie · 22/10/2018 08:46

No op they are staying with a person they have never met after they agreed they could stay with you dd at a hotel. Ffs op yabvvvvu

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/10/2018 09:06

What happened with the hotel rooms for 4 people? Did DD lose the money on them?!

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2018 09:16

Wasn't the person they had never met another mother and her child? So no random males involved?

Original poster

upsideup · 22/10/2018 10:43

Girls are all in school now, safe and happy.

OP posts:

Newerversion · 22/10/2018 10:47

Perfect! I think your dd1 is a fantastic big sister and a very lovely person for arranging the treat for the girls . FWIW, I wouldn't have had a problem with it a all.

LimpyLampy · 22/10/2018 14:34

The lesson here for everyone I think. If an older sister Ialveit a young adult offers to take your children to a concert and shares her plans for the children to stay in a hotel nearby overnight, all parents must continuously question the young adult to confirm they are definitely going to keep to their side of the original promise of staying where they said they were going to stay.

When young adult exclaims annoyance at being questioned, parents must simply retort that all prior arrangements are fluid and can change and original promises aren’t necessarily worth a damn.

Loyaultemelie · 22/10/2018 17:11

Long as your dd had text to let them (the parents) know, which she had, I can't get worked up over this change of plan. Also seriously impressed that your dd organised all that and happily took them all out, I wish I'd had someone like her when I was 11

tazzle22 · 22/10/2018 18:26

Hhmmm... let me see...what was I like at 23.? I had been a qualified nurse for two years and abke to take charge of a ward of sick people. Mant people of 23 have responsible jobs, have families of their own etc. Why on earth is OPs DD not old enough to decide that her friend is or isnt a danger to 11 year old girls.... including the friends own dd. It wasnt some random stranger that offered them a room, it was a known person.

Then only on MN could this turn into both adults being drunk in charge as reason not to go to hotel.

DD1 didnt do it sneakily... she informed parents. *sigh

PinkCalluna · 22/10/2018 19:02

tazzle I’m sure she’s perfectly competent to make the decision but it’s absolutely not her place to decide that for someone else’s child.

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