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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isnt my problem?

122 replies

upsideup · 21/10/2018 20:47

My 23 year old dd took 11 year old dd and two of her friends to a concert tonight, arranged for them to stay in a hotel and said she will get them all back to school for tomorrow. Dd1 paid for them all and has organised it herself, absolutely nothing to do with me.
They are an hour's drive away and I always knew it was unlikely dd would be in school on time which as it has never happened before I'm okay with.

One of dd1's clients/friends also has an 11 year old dd who today somehow got invited along. They've gone to the concert and all the girls got on well, drove to drop this girl back and were invited in and to stay the night instead of driving all the way to the hotel which is further away from school.

Currently all 4 girls are up in the new girls bedroom together and DD1 has sent a text to the parents (including me) saying they are all fine, are staying at a friends house with her daughter instead of the hotel tonight and will definitely be in school by for maths at 10. Both of dd2's friends parents are saying that its my responsibility to get them to stay in the hotel as planned and to make sure they are in school on time even suggesting that I drive to pick them up tonight and bring them to my house.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at home with 3 younger children, I'm happy for dd2 to stay and think if the other girls parents aren't happy they can go and get their kids tonight or sort it out with dd1 who is an adult they trusted to look after their children.
AIBU to think this isn't my problem? Would you think I should be doing something to sort this out?

OP posts:
YeOldeTrout · 21/10/2018 21:30

I don't see anything irresponsible about it.
Why is a hotel seen as safer than a private home? Confused
& yes, the parents need to talk to the adult who is with the girls if they have an issue.

Crunchymum · 21/10/2018 21:32

Way too confusing to be explained in a text.

If I got a message along the lines of

"Hi, we aren't staying at the hotel now as I bumped into one of my friend/ clients and her child got on well with all the other girls and they've invited us to stay at their house" then I would be very concerned.

I'd be wondering who the fuck the random friend / client is, where they live / where my child would be sleeping etc....

Nah it's not on at all.

Whilst not technically your problem OP, the parents have probably bypassed your DD1 as they think she can't be trusted.

Vixxxy · 21/10/2018 21:35

I would be so mad with the eldest daughter in this situation and yes, I agree shes clearly not mature enough to be taking kids out for the night if this is what she does.

I am inclined to say YANBU, however I do think you should speak to your daughter and get her to stick to the original plan of the hotel

I also agree that it sounds like this was planned. I have a feeling she never paid for the hotel at all.

I would be furious if I was the parent of the other children, who had been told their kids would be staying in a hotel afterwards but the plan changed last minute for them to be sleeping in a strangers house.

I find it very odd that your eldest daughter would WANT to stay in a random kids house tbh.

ShalomJackie · 21/10/2018 21:39

Do you and does she genuinely not see the difference between staying in a hotel room or with random strangers to the parents/friends?

Tell her to get to the hotel pronto or back to yours!!

DBN1 · 21/10/2018 21:39

Could your elder daughter have been drinking with client/friend and that's why they're all staying?

DBN1 · 21/10/2018 21:40

"Could be" rather than "could have"

DBN1 · 21/10/2018 21:41

Offs, that still doesn't make sense but you know what I mean!

DBN1 · 21/10/2018 21:43

Maybe client /friend invited the girls to stay for a while to thank your daughter for the luft home. Wine/beer/gin was offered and your daughter though "well, why not? The girls are all having a blast so, yes we'll stay thanks"?

minivampsmakebloodwork · 21/10/2018 21:44

They're now closer to school than the hotel would have put them. If they're going to be in school by 10, they wouldn't have been there much before lunch if staying in the hotel.

Were the parents always aware their children were likely not to be in school on time? Tbh it sounds like poor communication all round.

Would I be happy the plans had changed and I now didn't know where my daughter was staying? Probably not. But I'd weigh up whether I was going to turn out to fetch her or not knowing that she was predominantly with people she and I knew. Although I'd want a contact land line number just in case.

On a school night I'd assume even if my child came home the same night, they likely wouldn't be up early enough to be in school on time.

I think the other parents abvu to be contacting you, given it's your adult daughter who has changed the plans. Your eldest needs to contact the other parents and let them know the situation. They can argue with her whether they expect her to go to the hotel, bring the children straight home or that they will go and fetch their child.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/10/2018 21:45

I think the least you could do would be to give your elder dc a ring to let her know that it would not be ok for most families for their 11yo to be staying with a stranger.

Yes, it is your dd1's responsibility, but she is still young and you are somewhat involved.

I can absolutely get why the other parents aren't ok with the change of plans. I wouldn't be either.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 21:47

If I was one of the parents I would have given up on OP and her daughter by now and have demanded an address to go and get the girls.

I would also be thinking drunk adults and three 11 year olds in some strange house.

I think OP should at least apologise to the other parents for her daughters poor judgement.

Chickychoccyegg · 21/10/2018 21:54

this has nothing to do with the op, the other parents made all the plans with dd1, if they're not happy, which I can see why they're not, they should discuss this with dd1, who is an adult (also can't believe those parents were all happy to let your dd pay for their child's ticket and hotel, how rude of them)
you definitely do not need to collect or apologise

Vixxxy · 21/10/2018 21:55

Also why would being an hours drive away mean that they would not be at school on time? Surely if you are an hour away, you just get up an hour earlier?

DailyMailFail101 · 21/10/2018 22:02

Yes it’s your problem, would You be ok about your daughter staying in a strangers house who you have never met before?

PMSwithacockinmydress · 21/10/2018 22:03

Why would it be your responsibility, rather than your DH's - assuming she is a step-daughter...

artio0 · 21/10/2018 22:03

I don't think this is your problem OP. Your DD2's friend's parents need to sort this out with your DD1, especially since from what you're saying it sounds like they know her well and she's used to looking after their kids.

Duck90 · 21/10/2018 22:04

If it is only 1 hours drive away, and the concert has been finished before 9, why the need to stay overnight?

Had they not checked into the hotel earlier and dropped their bags off?

None of this makes sense to me.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 22:07

I think people will inevitably involve OP given she is the mother of the adult who is behaving poorly, and they probably see daughter as an extension of OP. They are probably hoping OP will be able to instruct her daughter to behave.

I agree strictly speaking daughter is responsible for these children, however the involvement of OP by the parents is understandable.

OP doesn’t feel this responsibility, which is also fine. But if it was my daughter mucking around like this with my other daughters friends I would feel the need to intervene.

Original poster
upsideup · 21/10/2018 22:08

I think everyone is staying put now and both parents have spoken to dd1 and there dd's to sort it.

would You be ok about your daughter staying in a strangers house who you have never met before?

My daughter is staying in a strangers house who I have never met before but shes with the adult I trusted to look after her not on her own. Even if that adult wasnt my dd if I trusted them enough to let them take my daughter away for the night then I would trust them to make the decisions.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 21/10/2018 22:09

I think your DD1 is getting a hard time here. IMO, they've trusted her to take the girls away for a night. If I was trusting somebody to do that with my DD, I would also test their judgement on the friend she's chosen to stay with, especially if it means being closer to school for morning.

DerelictWreck · 21/10/2018 22:10

Not your responsibility but have some empathy for the other parents - your DD has behaved like a right tit tonight.

Whether it's technically for you to sort out or not - are you willing to risk your relationship with the other parents over this?

seven201 · 21/10/2018 22:10

I'd be furious with your adult dc. I'd also expect you to at least try and help by calling your dd. I wouldn't expect you to go and collect my dc though.

TokenGinger · 21/10/2018 22:10

I would also trust their judgement *

BigChocFrenzy · 21/10/2018 22:11

Give them your adult DD's number and let her deal with them
Absolutely NOT your responsibility to fetch anyone

Skittlesandbeer · 21/10/2018 22:11

Sorry but given it’s your family reputation on the line, and you know your DD has limited experience of supervising kids (or navigating parents’ expectations).

Didn’t it occur to you to insert yourself into the planning and provide advice? With a couple of kids under your belt (and one there now literally!) you know how fraught these arrangements can get, however well intentioned.

23 or not, I’d have been keeping in touch with her all the way. Making sure she was making good decisions and helping her read the situation.

The parents have rightly looked to the nearest responsible adult to this situation. That’d be you. Couldn’t you have foreseen this?