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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isnt my problem?

122 replies

upsideup · 21/10/2018 20:47

My 23 year old dd took 11 year old dd and two of her friends to a concert tonight, arranged for them to stay in a hotel and said she will get them all back to school for tomorrow. Dd1 paid for them all and has organised it herself, absolutely nothing to do with me.
They are an hour's drive away and I always knew it was unlikely dd would be in school on time which as it has never happened before I'm okay with.

One of dd1's clients/friends also has an 11 year old dd who today somehow got invited along. They've gone to the concert and all the girls got on well, drove to drop this girl back and were invited in and to stay the night instead of driving all the way to the hotel which is further away from school.

Currently all 4 girls are up in the new girls bedroom together and DD1 has sent a text to the parents (including me) saying they are all fine, are staying at a friends house with her daughter instead of the hotel tonight and will definitely be in school by for maths at 10. Both of dd2's friends parents are saying that its my responsibility to get them to stay in the hotel as planned and to make sure they are in school on time even suggesting that I drive to pick them up tonight and bring them to my house.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at home with 3 younger children, I'm happy for dd2 to stay and think if the other girls parents aren't happy they can go and get their kids tonight or sort it out with dd1 who is an adult they trusted to look after their children.
AIBU to think this isn't my problem? Would you think I should be doing something to sort this out?

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 21/10/2018 22:12

23 is well into adulthood

Lethaldrizzle · 21/10/2018 22:13

Perhaps the new mum on the scene can help put everyone's mind at ease

Thatstheendofmytether · 21/10/2018 22:16

I wouldn't be happy if I was told my child was staying a a hotel and then was taken to some strangers house for the night think you and your dd1 need to think about this from the other parents point of veiw.

EK36 · 21/10/2018 22:20

Yes I would not be happy at all with the sudden change of plan. Now they are staying at an unknown (to the parents) persons house. It was agreed to be a hotel room not a strangers house.

crimsonlake · 21/10/2018 22:20

I cannot believe that this has been arranged for a school night and all parents allowed it. Staying in a hotel when they are due in school first thing, seems ridiculous.

Original poster
upsideup · 21/10/2018 22:23

DD1 doesnt drink, the other parents know this.
I can't answer most of these questions though as I wasnt there or involved in any of the decisions.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 21/10/2018 22:25

This is all very odd. Apart from anything else, who the heck turns down the opportunity to stay at a hotel for the night. Is there even beds for all the girls? Oh sorry, not your problem apparently.

I appreciate that your adult DD organised this not you, but if I was one of the other girls parents, hell would freeze over before I'd let my child go out for an evening with your DD again. They are 11 - I'd be extremely upset with the arrangements- which are boundary pushing enough for 11 year olds - being changed and being notified bu text.

For the sake of your DDs future social life I'd suggest you get involved and either get older DD to take them to the hotel as planned, or drive them home tonight.

MsOliphant · 21/10/2018 22:27

It is supremely odd. You care enough to make a thread about it, but not enough to bother about making sure some fairly young girls that your DD is supposed to be responsible for even have a bed for the night.

They’re eleven. You need to give more of a shit.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 22:27

I think you maybe just have a very different view of this. Quite a few people on here think you have a responsibility for your daughters actions, because you are the link to the other girls. Your older daughter would not have been with these girls had it not been for your daughter.

You think you hold no responsibility beciase your daughter is an adult and see her as completely separate to you.

I think we will have to agree to differ. Hopefully the girls get a good nights sleep and amke it to school tomorrow!!!

Mascarponeandwine · 21/10/2018 22:33

The Rasmus?! Is it 2004

They played a gig in Glasgow tonight! Grin.

Original poster
upsideup · 21/10/2018 22:37

I do give a shit. I know they are all fine and that dd1 is looking after them, if I thought there was any possibility that they werent okay then I would have brought them home by now.
I just didnt feel the responsability to drive and get someone elses children from a situation that was nothing to do with me knowing they were absolutely fine where they were.
Anyway both parents now think the same.

OP posts:
Buttercupsandaisies · 21/10/2018 22:43

I would be furious.

Whilst you shouldn't have to go get them, I can't believe you wouldn't. I would be mortified if my DD did this. Even though it's her responsibility at the end of the day, it still reflects bad on you both.

I'm afraid I wouldn't trust either of you again. I expect the parents will talk amongst themselves, you will gain a bad reputation and future invites will be declined.

A parent in year 8 did something similar and parents still discuss it

Buttercupsandaisies · 21/10/2018 22:45

I can't believe you're not mortified about this - I'd be so hard on DD that I'd make her bring them home. I agree with other poster that it seems suspect that she hasn't - very much like they've had a drink

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 21/10/2018 22:46

I would be massively uncomfortable with an 11 year old sleeping at a stranger's house. You refer to them having spent the day with their new friend - she and her family are still strangers, and neither you nor the other parents have any idea who comes to their house.

The fact that your older DD thinks it is acceptable to arrange things this way shows poor judgement and undermines any confidence in herl

VimFuego101 · 21/10/2018 22:49

I would be furious if I'd allowed my 11yo to spend the night somewhere and it turned out they were going somewhere else instead.

LimpyLampy · 21/10/2018 22:53

I would be furious at your DD for changing the sleeping arrangements. As her mother, I would contact you and expect you to contact her and tell her to bring the children to the hotel as planned.

Failing that, I would go and fetch the children unrelated to you and be majorly angry that you didn't get involved and demand your daughter to fulfil her original promise.

TeddybearBaby · 21/10/2018 22:54

I’d either leave my son (11) or collect him myself. Nothing to do with you as far as I’m concerned. I might not like the change in plans but then I’d go and get him x

toomanytolist · 21/10/2018 22:54

What hotel accommodates an adult and 3 x 11 year olds?

Elephant14 · 21/10/2018 22:58

I think the other parents contacted you as they thought you might give a fuck.

But hey: "AIBU?"

"yes you are!"

"Oh no I am not I cant be!"

Hmm
TokenGinger · 21/10/2018 23:13

@toomanytolist Premier Inn. They have a double bed, a sofa bed, and they bring in a fold down bed for families of four.

Volant · 21/10/2018 23:20

toomany, why wouldn't a hotel accommodate an adult and three children? They don't discriminate against single parent families, after all.

toomanytolist · 21/10/2018 23:21

Yes @tokenginger but this isn't a family of four. I have stayed in lots of premier inns and done lots of family/friends combinations and I don't think any of them would have accepted this party at check in. But was just an observation and happy to be wrong!

Howhot · 21/10/2018 23:23

Your DD is seriously out of order. I suspect they got in touch with you because they're totally baffled by her behaviour. Why on earth would she assume that's okay?! I'd be very unimpressed. Is it your job to sort it out? Well, no. But I can see why they got in touch.

WhyDontYouListen · 21/10/2018 23:55

I see it's been sorted now, but i would be enormously pissed off if i'd entrusted my 11 yr old dd with someone and they changed the plans so drastically.Your dd is completely out of order and if I was one of the parents I would contact you too. Although technically it's not your responsibility I would expect you to contact your dd and talk some sense into her about taking her responsibilities a bit more seriously.

pictish · 22/10/2018 07:12

I know it’s all sorted now but since you asked...

I’d be really annoyed if someone I had entrusted with my 11 year decided to take them to stay at a stranger’s house instead of sticking to the arrangement I had agreed to.
If that person was 23 and their sister was on the trip too, damn right I’d contact their mother to enquire as to what the fuck this young...but supposedly responsible, adult thought she was doing!

If the mother gave it a bit of, “Meh...nothing to do with me.”, I’d assume a case of like mother like daughter and be extremely concerned! I certainly wouldn’t feel confident in letting any member of this family make arrangements with my child again...because they clearly have no common sense to speak of.
Christ!