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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isnt my problem?

122 replies

upsideup · 21/10/2018 20:47

My 23 year old dd took 11 year old dd and two of her friends to a concert tonight, arranged for them to stay in a hotel and said she will get them all back to school for tomorrow. Dd1 paid for them all and has organised it herself, absolutely nothing to do with me.
They are an hour's drive away and I always knew it was unlikely dd would be in school on time which as it has never happened before I'm okay with.

One of dd1's clients/friends also has an 11 year old dd who today somehow got invited along. They've gone to the concert and all the girls got on well, drove to drop this girl back and were invited in and to stay the night instead of driving all the way to the hotel which is further away from school.

Currently all 4 girls are up in the new girls bedroom together and DD1 has sent a text to the parents (including me) saying they are all fine, are staying at a friends house with her daughter instead of the hotel tonight and will definitely be in school by for maths at 10. Both of dd2's friends parents are saying that its my responsibility to get them to stay in the hotel as planned and to make sure they are in school on time even suggesting that I drive to pick them up tonight and bring them to my house.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at home with 3 younger children, I'm happy for dd2 to stay and think if the other girls parents aren't happy they can go and get their kids tonight or sort it out with dd1 who is an adult they trusted to look after their children.
AIBU to think this isn't my problem? Would you think I should be doing something to sort this out?

OP posts:
IStandWithPosie · 21/10/2018 21:10

I agree it’s not your problem. It’s your DD1’s. She’s should have checked with the other parents that staying at new house was ok and also getting to school late was ok. She has messed up. She needs to either take the girls to the hotel as planned or take them home to their parents. She can’t just change the plans without other parents agreement. But it’s her issue to fix, not yours. Direct the other parents to your DD.

Also

The Rasmus?! Is it 2004 grin

Grin
WorraLiberty · 21/10/2018 21:11

I'd be fuming with your DD as she's gone back on her word and been totally irresponsible.

However, as I trusted her to be the adult in charge, she's the adult I'd be taking it up with - not you.

YANBU

GruciusMalfoy · 21/10/2018 21:13

What is your elder DD's reaction to the parents' objections?

Emilizz34 · 21/10/2018 21:13

It’s not your problem as your eldest dd arranges the trip directly with the girl’s parents .
However , she sounds very irresponsible to be deviating from the plan and taking the girls to stay with a stranger . I don’t blame the parents for being annoyed

Hairyfairy01 · 21/10/2018 21:13

Your 23 year old is totally out of order. I wouldn’t be impressed and would expect you to talk to your dd and convince her to get the girls to the planned hotel and to school on time. Have the parents already paid for the hotel?

Original poster
upsideup · 21/10/2018 21:15

Have the parents paid in advance for the hotel stay?

DD1 paid for the hotel.

I can accept dd1 may be being unreasonable but she's an adult, they agreed for her to look after their children not me. I'm happy for my dd to stay, if they're not then they are welcome to try and make other arrangement with dd1 or go and pick their kids up, I don't see why I should be picking their kids up.

OP posts:
DontFuckingSayIt · 21/10/2018 21:15

Can you insist that your 23yo either takes them to the hotel as planned, or else brings them home? Don't get me wrong, I'd be pissed off in your shoes too, especially as you didn't plan or organise it. But in one of the other parents' shoes I wouldn't be happy with my 11yo staying in a random person's house with God knows who else there, and I'd feel very helpless. Even if I did drive, I'd likely be home alone with younger children so not really able to set off on a 2+ hour journey. They should have stuck to the plan, it was very thoughtless on your 23yo's part.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 21:17

Your older daughter is clearly not mature enough to be in charge of three children. It is a bit odd that the other parents were okay with 5e original plan - do they know her well.

Of course the parents aren’t happy that their daughters are now staying in a strangers house. Text back, apologise on your daughters behalf and explain you can’t leave the house as you are heavily pregnant and have no childcare. But say you will give your daughter half an hour to get the girls to the hotel as planned. If your daughter refuses then unfortunately the parents will have to go and get them.

Unfortunately you can’t totally wash your hands if this - unless you told the parents at the beginning that your daughter was a bit unreliable.

DontFuckingSayIt · 21/10/2018 21:17

But, can they liaise with your DD? Would she be happy for you to give them her number? They should have it anyway really, in case of emergency and what have you. It's not really your problem at all.

Hairyfairy01 · 21/10/2018 21:19

‘they agreed for her to look after their children not me.’

They agreed they would be sleeping in a hotel and at school on time!

RedDrink · 21/10/2018 21:20

They should be talking to your DD, she's an adult.

And why is the first response almost always rude and unhelpful? Hmm

rosablue · 21/10/2018 21:20

Do you know if you dd had actually arranged the hotel or was this the plan all along? That they thought they could say about the hotel but that really they thought this would be cheaper and easier...

I would be furious if it was my dd that had been taken to a strange house rather than a hotel as a done deal rather than being given an option (to which I would have not agreed with).

Greatbigterribleshart · 21/10/2018 21:21

Your DD should be taking them to the hotel as planned. They haven't known the new person long enough and no doubt the parents haven't met the new person or the family of the girl that they're staying at.
Your DD should be prepared to get the girls into school on time regardless of how you feel about your DD. Unless the parents previously said she didn't need to.
I would give your DD a message or a call and say that as parents they are worried and they all need to go to the hotel as planned. If she wants to be able to do this again the parents need to be able to trust her to stick to her word.

TokyoSushi · 21/10/2018 21:23

Yes your DD is an adult but this is a very odd plan which I would never have agreed to.

Anyway, can you contact your DD and see if she will at least take them to the hotel as planned? Surely she'll lose the money for it now anyway?

Sisgal · 21/10/2018 21:23

Your eldest has been very irresponsible. I don't kno of a parent who would be happy about this. Very immature silly decision on her part. I'd be furious

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2018 21:23

I smell a bit of a rat here.

So your DD not only managed to find a spare concert ticket at the last minute, for the new girl.

And she's also willing to lose all the money she paid for the hotel?

Nope, sorry. I think she planned this all along.

Original poster
upsideup · 21/10/2018 21:24

They have dd1's number, she texted them to tell them what was happening and has arranged everything through them up untill now
As far as I am aware they havent contacted her but tried me instead.

DD1 is actually pefectly responsible, she knows the kids well and has been trusted to do plenty or childcare and school runs for both parents before. They girls love her and will be having fun and looked after.

OP posts:
Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 21/10/2018 21:24

Why are they texting you if they have organised it with your 23 year old?

If she arranged with the respective parents then they must have spoken to her about the arrangements and trusted her and they must have her contact details unless they don't know her but have trusted that they know you and you've told them that your dd is old enough and responsible enough to be in charge of this.

To be honest though I wouldn't be happy that plans I had checked and agreed to had changed after Iv already sent my child out it gives me no choice to make sure it's a safe and appropriate environment especially if as you say it's a new friend then I probably don't know if id know the parents well enough to trust that it's ok for an overnight.

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2018 21:25

DD1 is actually pefectly responsible

Well she's shown absolutely zero responsibility tonight

Sisgal · 21/10/2018 21:28

Changing sleeping arrangements for children who are not hers, without the permission of the parents is hugely irresponsible!

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 21:28

Worralibery I think you might be right.

It seems odd that a girl of her age and obvious immaturity would have been willing to pay for a hotel for all these kids.

However, I do blame the parents. They mustn’t know her well and yet were willing for her to be in charge of their children overnight in a strange place and at a concert. No way would I do that.

And OP is taking no responsibility for the situation at all, therefore parents must have liaised directly with daughter. All seems a bit chaotic.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 21/10/2018 21:28

By the way yes your ok with your dd staying because she is with her sister (your daughter) the other parents don't have that security.

I know it's not up to you to sort it as your dd is an adult but you don't seem concerned or even slightly questioning why she is taking the piss.

Sparklingbrook · 21/10/2018 21:28

YY I don't think your DD has been responsible at all TBH. I am sure the girls do love her organising a night out and a hotel stay with the chance that they will miss some school in the morning.

Original poster
upsideup · 21/10/2018 21:29

DD didnt get the new girl a ticket, no idea where her ticket came but her mum probably got it for her.

OP posts:
DoJo · 21/10/2018 21:30

I get that they are annoyed, but if they were happy to make arrangements with your daughter and leave her in charge of their children, then they can hardly expect you to wade in when they don't like what she's doing. Why don't they contact her directly? Or have they tried and got nowhere?