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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date this man?

112 replies

Skynight90 · 21/10/2018 18:08

Seems lovely and is a very good father. He shows he's attracted to me but I see him lust after other women.
I have been tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and date him but I also have dc and feel it may be a bad move on my behalf and could be wasting my time/get hurt as he clearly looks at other women in my presence already.

Although we are not together nor have we dated so he doesn't owe me any loyalty at this point but if he wanted this to go anywhere he wouldn't be giving other women the eye, would he?

OP posts:
Original poster
Skynight90 · 22/10/2018 16:53

Kaykay06 no he doesn't know I would/want to date him.

PlinkPlink yes I think I should go on a couple dates and see how he is then. I suppose I can't get my self in to much mess just going on a couple of dates.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 22/10/2018 16:58

What have you observed about him that has led you to think he’s a good father?

Hard to say whether he’s sleazy or not based on your info, but going on a couple of dates or having a fling needn’t mean emotional pain. If he’s a sleaze presumably this will become clear.

Original poster
Skynight90 · 22/10/2018 17:32

Just how he is with his son and how his son is with him. The bond they have.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 22/10/2018 17:37

So you aren't dating him but expecting him not to look at other women? Confused

Original poster
Skynight90 · 22/10/2018 17:42

No! Just to clear it up again
My problem is not him "looking at other women"
My point of this thread is:
now listen carefully!
Is it wise to get involved with him? He's already looking at other women in my presence. Yes fair enough he doesn't know I would actually date him yet!

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 22/10/2018 17:42

Might have missed this but has he asked you out?

Original poster
Skynight90 · 22/10/2018 17:44

Not in actual words but he has flirted and given me signs. He's basically trying figure out if I'm interested or not.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 22/10/2018 17:48

So this is a single man who has not asked you out, does not know you fancy him and is looking at women he finds attractive?

Is that right?

Original poster
Skynight90 · 22/10/2018 17:51

@Hopoindown31 well yes, I see your point but I mean if he's interested in me then why give other women the eye?

Fair enough I gave him nothing back to suggest he has a chance but I have been considering it until noticing him doing the eyeing up of the next potential date/(victim).

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 22/10/2018 17:54

Because just like women, men can find more than one person physically attractive at a time. It means nothing.

Ask him out and see what happens. Life is too short for overthinking.

CarryOnScreamingValenta · 22/10/2018 18:15

I agree with Hopo. Going on one date with him commits you to nothing. Go out with him and see if he's still checking out the competition once he knows you are interested - if he can't stop doing it when you're on a date, that's the time to wave him goodbye; but don't write him off without giving him a chance.

Time4Gin · 22/10/2018 18:34

Hmmm. I don’t know but he’s a single guy, doesn’t know you’re interested in him and might be a bit insecure about that himself and so might have been looking to make himself feel good, or to see if you’d notice him noticing another woman, or because he’s not into you, or because he’s a creep, or because he’s a creep and/or used to being single and flirting about or lots of other reasons that might be reasonable or unreasonable depending on your own standards. What would you do if a friend asked you the same? Because it depends on you.

I am of the type of woman who prefers to be the only object of affection/attention of my partner if we are out together alone without our kids. However my partner always unconsciously/unsubtlely/blatantly stares at other girls, not letches, just stares. We have had heaps and heaps and heaps of rows about it because he swears blind he either (a) didn’t do it at all (b) looks at everyone as he loves people watching (c) used to call me jealous, possessive, insecure etc

My low-self esteem didn’t help but there were warning signs in the beginning: while we were dating I let it go as we were both off Internet date sites and seeing a few other dates, no problem and above board. Six months in after we moved in together and were talking about kids, he stared so much at a beautiful woman in Paris while we were then on an alleged romantic break, that the girl shrugged an apology to me and I have never let him forget it. A year later we were in Spain on holiday and he stared and grinned at a waitress right over my shoulder. I couldn’t believe it. We now row once every few weeks about it if we are out but I’m starting to give less of a shutbwhixh is not really a good thing I guess, in the long run.

We are still together but I hate going out into the world with him so if you’re getting put off now, I like step away!

My husband is otherwise wonderful, but this IS ME MINIMISING. I’m cross we row about it so often and cross he does it and cross he used to make it about my self esteem and cross it took years of therapy to get to the point where I w it’s not me but it’s him!

Wow that’s a long answer! Sorry you must have accidentally hit a nerve!

KC225 · 22/10/2018 18:45

Do you know why he is single? If he has child of 6 why is he not with the mother? And before people come at me with pitchforks, I know relationships breakdown but if he was a womaniser, had an affair etc..... I think eyeing women up and down is sleazy, certainly more sleazy than looking and trying to make eye contact.

Hopoindown31 · 22/10/2018 18:58

Some people are very keen to demonise this bloke!

Gabilan · 22/10/2018 19:04

Is it wise to get involved with him? He's already looking at other women in my presence. Yes fair enough he doesn't know I would actually date him yet!

Ok. I'm not sure how old he is. (Sorry if you've said and I've just forgotten.) I'm in my 40s. As a defence mechanism, I've learned not to invest too much in liking one person. I can meet someone and think they're cute and the next day meet a different person and think the same thing. I might well flirt with both of them, separately. I'm not a player. Once I'm in a relationship with someone I'm incredibly loyal.

It seems to me, there really is no point in displaying loyalty before you have any clue whether or not the other person is interested. Otherwise there you are thinking "oh but I've just met this man and he seems lovely so I must look at no other" without any chance that it might be reciprocated. It just sets you up for disappointment. Reading your updates, I would try dating him. If he's still doing this whilst you're actually on a date, then I wouldn't go on another date.

Original poster
Skynight90 · 23/10/2018 09:35

@KC225
No I don't know why he's single and not with the mother.
I don't feel that is concerns me as such. It didn't work out between them and could have been million reasons why.

OP posts:
Conseulabananahammock · 23/10/2018 09:39

Front page news this. Single man looks at woman.

🙄🙄

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2018 09:40

Tbh I'm not sure it sounds like you like him much.

He once looked at an attractive woman in your presence, he doesn't know you like him, is this reason to not date him??

If you're over thinking this much before even a date are you sure you're ready to date?

Itsnotabingthingisit · 23/10/2018 09:55

I think there is a bit of a scale here to be honest.

There's checking out/being appreciative of a stranger you find attractive without making them feel uncomfortable ..then there is a full on leer and not being bothered if they know you are doing it or not.

Apparently , if you read ' Rush Hour Crush' in the metro, it is OK to stare and open ' oggle' the opposite sex on public transport, then regret not making them even more uncomfortable by asking them out or shoving your phone number at them.

On that basis this bloke seems at the ' harmless' end of the scale.

Original poster
Skynight90 · 23/10/2018 09:56

It wasn't that he "looked at another woman" as such. More of a wonder if he would carry on doing so if we were dating.
Only one way to find out!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2018 10:00

Exactly Sky. Its like saying he visits him mum twice a week, I wouldn't like that if we had kids so I won't date him.

Ask him out and if he is actually interested see how he is. If he's flirting with the waiting staff or eyeing up the woman on the next table just leave.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 23/10/2018 10:24

You said (I think) running eyes up and down women's bodies for 2 seconds which is ages not a glance.

Being on the receiving end of this from men which I'm sure we all have, always felt to me dehumanising and horrible, and when I was younger (it starts young right) I found it a bit threatening.

I wouldn't go out with a man who did this, no way. He sees women as objects and likely girls as well as men who do this rarely stop to register age they just register tits/ legs/ arse and proceed.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2018 10:46

It's a huge leap to go from he flicked his eyes up and down one woman who may well have been facing him and quite obviously a woman to he is a predator perving on young girls because

ilovesooty · 23/10/2018 10:54

He's looked at one other woman for a few seconds? You're not even anywhere near dating. Otherwise his attitude towards other people is pleasant and appropriately respectful. Some of these responses are unbelievable.

YearOfYouRemember · 23/10/2018 19:21

Bloody hell. Exhausting.