Should I leave him or have another baby?

[Babyorbust]

Think this will be a long one. I’ve name changed.

DP and I have been together for 7 years. We have 1 DS aged nearly 1. We own a home, a car, have a will, life insurance, etc. We are not married which doesn’t bother me in the slightest (I know many on here have strong opinions about this which I fully respect, but don’t want this thread to be a marriage debate please!)

My DP is a really nice, kind man and a great dad to our son. But I don’t feel anything for him any more romantically. The spark has well and truly gone. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I don’t think we will be together for the rest of our lives. He is aware of how I feel and it makes him sad but he wants to work at the relationship. We are so different, we have nothing in common, our core values are not the same and I realised this early 2017. Until then I was so madly in love with him I hadn’t noticed how poles apart we are. So early 2017 I told him how I felt and our relationship was effectively over... and then I fell pregnant. We decided to keep the baby and give our relationship a go. Everything was fine until DS was about 9mo when the old doubts started creeping in.

But I don’t know if I should leave him or stay and have another baby with him, wait a year or two and then end the relationship. I always wanted my children to be full siblings and DP is honestly the most amazing dad. I could happily plod along a few more years with him. We don’t fight or argue, we happily co exist almost as best friends.

What would you do? Am I an unreasonable arsehole for thinking I should have another baby even though I know the relationship won’t last long term? I’m prepared to be flamed but please be honest. Thanks.

Mmm difficult situation. How old are you OP as that will have a bearing on how you proceed with this relationship. Yes it sounds callous , but stay if you are closer to the menopause years. But lea if you've still got a few years left to conceive. Good luck 🤞

How old are you OP as that will have a bearing on how you proceed with this relationship.

Well she's 3 years older now that when she posted this..

Is he critical of your volunteering and donating to the food bank?

Does he scoff? Is he scornful? Nagging you about it?

I ask because you say he thinks those activities are a waste of time.

Ooops I guess you've probably already reached a decision. Hope it was the right one

Can I ask how old you are?

I used to be quite emotionally immature, and it took me a long time to understand the value of a man who unconditionally supported me in what I wanted to do (even leaving him, in your case), and had a strong and loving relationship with his mother. It also took me a long time to see my interest in politics and current affairs was basically displacement activity instead of taking action on what I could actually control in my own life. Travel is brilliant but it can just be a form of restlessness / dissatisfaction.

Perhaps I’m projecting too much of myself onto your post, but your partner sounds kind, supportive and a great dad. It’s much better to have kindness in your home, and seek challenge and stimulation out in the world, than the opposite.

If he’s just not for you he’s not for you. But as there’s a DC involved, reflect hard on this, and maybe consider counselling. Good luck to you OP. 💐

Sorry, just now read all your comments and realised my own post kind of irrelevant. Also this is an ancient thread! I hope you made a decision you feel happy with now!

Isn't that just a committed relationship.... ups and downs? You have to work at a relationship if people just gave up once the spark was gone then people would be splitting up and divorcing all over the place. And children being born in unsettled circumstances more than now.

I would get relationship counselling and go from there see how it goes. But I wouldn't have another baby as you don't seem willing to work on the relationship. Unless he agrees and wants another baby too knowing you will not stay together.... ?

FFS ZOMBIE THREAD*

@kynz hi! Oh wow I wasn’t expecting to wake up this morning having been tagged in this thread. I’ll try to keep it short. So we worked on our relationship a lot. We really really wanted it to work for the sake of our son (who’s now 4! Wow.) In the end we realised that we are better off as best friends who raise our son together. Then Covid hit and we chose to live together with our son so neither of us would miss out on all that time with him. We had a blast. Covid is an awful thing but the time we had together as a family was wonderful and so after a lottttt of talking we decided to go ahead and try having another baby. In June we welcomed our second son. We feel complete as a family. I am so thankful we chose to have another baby together and there are still a lot of feelings there for us to pick through; neither of us wants to be with anyone else but equally we’re both pragmatic about the future and accept that one of us may meet someone else. You just don’t know do you. I don’t know if we will end up together but I do know for sure I couldn’t have picked a better father and coparent for my boys. I have no regrets. Good luck whatever you choose.

Congratulations OP. Wishing you and your family all the best ❤️

Congratulations OP! Sounds like you've been through a lot together.

(Really good of you to update all these years later too)

You're being unreasonable, cruel and selfish.
If you're planning to end the relationship, not only are you just using your partner for a child, but you're also making life much harder for you both in the long run bringing another child into this.
If you don't love him, let him go. You both deserve to be with someone who actually loves you, and not who's just there because you haven't had a better offer yet.

I've just seen your update- I am so glad all worked out and I'm sorry if I sounded really harsh!!

You seem to be going through quite a few things (very young child, loss of pregnancy). I would not make any sudden decisions in that state (either leaving or having another baby). Couples can stay together even with differences in opinion or interests, and I don’t see how “I like politics and he doesn’t” is a deal breaker.

I think you should get a good amount of couples therapy before deciding anything.

Just seen the update (RTFT!!) - congratulations, Imm happy for you!

That’s a sweet update. And by the way, everything you describe is why I always thought people fell in love with someone. Best friend, great partner, wonderful father. Not sure what more there is beyond the physical.

So you just want him to be a sperm donor? Id be proper pissed off if someone just stayed with me so I could be there rent a womb.
Do the decent thing and separate.