Should I leave him or have another baby?

[Babyorbust]

Think this will be a long one. I’ve name changed.

DP and I have been together for 7 years. We have 1 DS aged nearly 1. We own a home, a car, have a will, life insurance, etc. We are not married which doesn’t bother me in the slightest (I know many on here have strong opinions about this which I fully respect, but don’t want this thread to be a marriage debate please!)

My DP is a really nice, kind man and a great dad to our son. But I don’t feel anything for him any more romantically. The spark has well and truly gone. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I don’t think we will be together for the rest of our lives. He is aware of how I feel and it makes him sad but he wants to work at the relationship. We are so different, we have nothing in common, our core values are not the same and I realised this early 2017. Until then I was so madly in love with him I hadn’t noticed how poles apart we are. So early 2017 I told him how I felt and our relationship was effectively over... and then I fell pregnant. We decided to keep the baby and give our relationship a go. Everything was fine until DS was about 9mo when the old doubts started creeping in.

But I don’t know if I should leave him or stay and have another baby with him, wait a year or two and then end the relationship. I always wanted my children to be full siblings and DP is honestly the most amazing dad. I could happily plod along a few more years with him. We don’t fight or argue, we happily co exist almost as best friends.

What would you do? Am I an unreasonable arsehole for thinking I should have another baby even though I know the relationship won’t last long term? I’m prepared to be flamed but please be honest. Thanks.

Peaks and troughs are definitely usual in a LTR.

You have a young baby and have had a miscarriage that you are very much struggling with, this is a tough time emotionally.

Are you managing to carve out time for you and your DP?

Yes it’s normal

I absolutely adore my husband but for months after first miscarriage couldn’t really stand each other and certainly weren’t having sex less than two months after

You would be very cruel to use your DP as a sperm donor while planning to break up with him. He deserves better.

What a cruel thing to do.

I am sorry for your loss op, and it will take as long as it takes for you to come to terms with it.
But I echo Bluesmartiesarebest in that to use your partner as a sperm donor would be very wrong.
And have you heard the expression "the seven year itch" ?

First of all I am sorry for your loss.

Second of all, it is unrealistic to expect a relationship to be all hearts and flowers all the time. No matter how much you love someone the novelty wears off. I have been with DH for 40 years this year. I love him, but it isn't the same as when I first met him. Of course it isn't.

Love isn't the only reason we are still together. We share the same core values, we respect each other, we are considerate towards each other. I couldn't imagine life without him.

If the only reason you want to stay with your partner short term is to use him as a sperm donor then, sorry, but you are being selfish.

Wow you have been through a lot OP

From what I see from the posts that are written, you and your partner who you are not married to have a small child, have recently gone through a miscarriage and are still grieving for that child?

You have been open with your partner about these feelings, but is it right that he is almost not listening to them saying to work on the relationship. Your relationship was over and then you fell pregnant with your first child so have tried to make it work for your baby?

Firstly, as I am sure you know, a baby will make the relationship harder not easier.

It also seems like you are at different points in recovering from the loss which is also going to put a strain on it.

If you didn't fall pregnant with your first child would you still be together?

This feeling that you love him but are not in love with him, which is also about the absence of another kind of feeling, as a sign the relationship is not going to last. Although this may prove to be the truth, there is also a chance it isn't, especially with all the positives you have for him - he is amazing, your best friend, you don't argue, as parents you offset each other quite well.

Some days are cloudy, some are stormy, some are gray, and sometimes the sun shines. Relationships are seasonal and cyclical, and the statement, "I’m not in love with my boyfriend" can mean many more things than "it's time to leave." Yet it seems that for so many people, that feeling is interpreted as the end of the relationship—or at least Very Big Trouble.

It depends on are you saying: I want out of the relationship and am clear it's done, and I want to be nice about it. I don't want to hurt my partner's feelings, and this is easier to say than "It's over."

Or: I've met someone else with whom I feel alive, like I used to with my current partner.

Maybe: The person feeling this is depressed and, since the Technicolor has gone out of many things they once enjoyed, this has happened in the relationship as well. Sex can be rekindled, intimacy can be rediscovered, and depression can be treated. Relationships need constant nurturing, love, energy and input. Time management with working lives and managing children and finding quality time for a couple has to be in place.

It is a difficult decision to leave a long-term relationship, but it's even more unfair to compare the newness of a romantic love to the familiarity and comfort of a long-term relationship. Perhaps there is a depth of love that has become likened to wearing slippers and become familiar? Is this perhaps the real love? Could it be that the initial head over heels is in fact little more than sexual lust and desire, a sparkle in the honeymoon period?

Regarding your original question, if the relationship is truly over, and you don't want to work at it, then it is fairer on your partner to leave sooner rather than later. I would certainly not consider having a child in such circumstances.

I suspect you are very down, very upset about what has happened and rightly so. Could this be clouding your judgements? He sounds like a decent bloke...You must have loved him at first. I think you should try and make it work. The grass isn't always greener and relationships are not like a Disney film. Good luck xx

You also need funicular advice. Since you are not married you won’t automatically get to keep the house if you split up

There is something you can do though. It’s called a living together agreement where you can state that you have the same rights as married women and get to live in the house with your child etc. You should do it for your child’s future because it might turn nasty after you split up and financially you wouldn’t be entitled to much only your share of the equity in the house and child support and he could refuse to pay the mortgage etc.

Google living together agreement. Hopefully he agrees to do it. You need something to protect you financially!!

I would think very carefully before throwing away what you have. Your husband sounds like a kind and decent man, and a great father - and a stable happy home life for your child. You loved him before, and though you are currently going through a tough emotional journey, you can get that back! All marriages have their ups and downs, but what you have now will not be so easy to find again.

Financial advice!

I definitely wouldn’t have another baby, ive got 2 but my ex wasn’t nice like yours, however

it’s double the cost of everything and you’d be paying the mortgage alone, paying for daycare for 2 children instead of just the one. Buying 2 lots of new clothes and shoes. At the park etc, if one child runs off you have to carry the other child to run them. I was really naive I didn’t realise how much harder it is with 2.

I would definitely go see a solicitor and protect yourself and your child financially. There is a child maintenance calculator online too, use that and see where you stand if you break up.

Why don't you investigate some contraception. Do you work ? Take some time to think about things. Take some time to think about your partner. Is there a need to rush ?

Absolutely DON'T have another baby with him! Either commit to working on improving your relationship now that reality has set in, or leave. To have another baby is selfish, unfair to him and unfair to the baby.

Really out of order to use him for another baby just because YOU want your kids to be full siblings.

Are you a decent person or are you not?

And think about the nappies lol. From a practical view having another baby means another 2 years of changing nappies lol

My children have the same dad but men can walk away so easily and it could turn nasty. What if you spilt up and he met someone else and he said I’m selling that house or you need to buy me out?

If you can’t imagine being happy with him at least protect your biggest financial investment and get the living together agreement so he can’t turn around and ask to sell your house.

No relationship stays permanently in the honeymoon phase. I doubt that anyone feels they are living on cloud nine after seven years together. This is perfectly normal, it’s the way of all relationships.

Splitting from your DP to start again with someone else would bring you the excitement you are craving, but what would you do when that relationship too lost it’s shine as familiarity and routine took over? What you are looking for is something transient.

Your DP sounds like a loving, decent man. Don’t give up on him now, it’s been a difficult time for both of you. Don’t underestimate the effect that pregnancy, first baby and then miscarriage can have on a couple. This is still very early days after all you have been through. Take time to rediscover each other, and enjoy your DS together. Don’t think about having another baby until you have processed the miscarriage and given your relationship time to recover from the impact it has had on you.

@Karmin you are spot on. Your kind, considered advice has really touched me. Thank you.

RE contraception I have had 3 contraception failures in my life. It seems high but I was absolutely taking precautions each time. I have even seen the doctor about it who said for a small percentage of people contraception just isn’t as effective. As & when we resume our sex life we will be doubling up by using hormonal contraception and condoms.

To respond to a few more comments:

• There is no one else.
• I will absolutely seek financial and/or legal advice, thank you.

It’s safe to say the idea of another child seems ludicrous to me having taken on board your feedback. It seems clear I need to sort my shit out and work on fixing my relationship first. It’s reallt reassuring to know all LTR’s go through these rocky patches. Thank you.

This does seem to be all about you,what you want, when you want it.

You don't know what you want but I suspect no one has the answer.

Please don't have another child yet.

To stay with him simply to have another baby then dump him is insensitive and cruel. It also makes him responsible for a child he might have not chosen to have if he had known your plans.

Listen, DH and I have been married 30+ years. There are definite ups and downs and our love for each other is not the same love we felt 30 years ago. It's as strong, but it is different. Life changes you and as a result your feeling grow and change. DH and I were also pretty much opposites when we married. Country boy marries city girl. Outdoor man marries indoor woman. Our political beliefs were divergent to say the least. But it still worked because we respected each other's viewpoints and were able to have conversations without criticizing or denigrating the other's beliefs. I'm lucky in that over the years DH has changed and is now a card carrying liberal.

I know you've said you're seeing a counselor. I think that's great and you should keep going. But I also think it may be time to speak to your counselor about marriage counseling.

I don't think you can force yourself to love someone really. I personally couldn't be stuck with someone like this.
I'd leave, but its not me, so give it 6 months or so and if your still feeling the same then end it.I'd get everything sorted out now though so when the time comes everything is o.k.
No way is it a good idea to have another baby with him.

When you are ending a relationship and you have children, you are ending stability for them.

It is a huge thing to do. It is frequently the right thing to do, but in your case, it is about you. It is about what you want, feel, desire and need. Not your son.

I think you are being very very selfish, food bank or no.

I am a similar age to you and have been with my DP a similar amount of time. I think you have unrealistic expectations of long term relationships. There will ALWAYS be ups and downs, easier and harder times. With a small child and a recent miscarriage this is one of those harder time for you. Sometimes you will feel more like mates and wonder where the spark has gone, but it comes back when you’re putting the effort into each other instead of looking for a way out. Love is something you do, not something that just happens to you without any work. It won’t always be sparkly hearts and rainbows because sharing a life with someone means all the good and all the bad. A counsellor for both of you might be a very good idea.

Stick with the counselling and don’t make any major decisions yet. You are still grieving and your head is not in a great place. You need time to get over your loss then you can work out what your future should be.

How much time should the OP give this loss?

I ask because although very sad I think if I may be honest op is being very self indulgent here. I’m aware saying so may sound unkind but that isn’t my intention.

Here we have a woman of a very young child who isn’t even yet a year old, and she is planning in quite a calculated way to have another child by him and then leave. That isn’t normal way of thinking. Mostly, women get screwed over totally by men but just occasionally you get a man taken advantage of by a woman and I think that’s happening here.

I have no idea if OP works or not, I suspect not since she mentions volunteering and has a young baby, unless she works very part time and grandparents help. That’s relevant because making bad decisions yourself is one thing, insisting that others - your ex, the state - support those bad decisions is another.

Op has had counselling for something that although is very sad is also very very common and she is upset that her partner does not share these feelings.

Op, I am saying this kindly and I hope you will believe this. I think it is time to grow up. Bad stuff happens - pregnancies do not always work out, our loved ones pass away, we lose jobs, friends, money.

If you feel counselling is helping by all means carry on. But I do think working with what you have and focusing on your baby is what you need. He is the one who matters now.