Should I leave him or have another baby?

[Babyorbust]

Think this will be a long one. I’ve name changed.

DP and I have been together for 7 years. We have 1 DS aged nearly 1. We own a home, a car, have a will, life insurance, etc. We are not married which doesn’t bother me in the slightest (I know many on here have strong opinions about this which I fully respect, but don’t want this thread to be a marriage debate please!)

My DP is a really nice, kind man and a great dad to our son. But I don’t feel anything for him any more romantically. The spark has well and truly gone. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I don’t think we will be together for the rest of our lives. He is aware of how I feel and it makes him sad but he wants to work at the relationship. We are so different, we have nothing in common, our core values are not the same and I realised this early 2017. Until then I was so madly in love with him I hadn’t noticed how poles apart we are. So early 2017 I told him how I felt and our relationship was effectively over... and then I fell pregnant. We decided to keep the baby and give our relationship a go. Everything was fine until DS was about 9mo when the old doubts started creeping in.

But I don’t know if I should leave him or stay and have another baby with him, wait a year or two and then end the relationship. I always wanted my children to be full siblings and DP is honestly the most amazing dad. I could happily plod along a few more years with him. We don’t fight or argue, we happily co exist almost as best friends.

What would you do? Am I an unreasonable arsehole for thinking I should have another baby even though I know the relationship won’t last long term? I’m prepared to be flamed but please be honest. Thanks.

I work full time and I am the main breadwinner.

Plus volunteering?

In that case OP I really would urge you to focus on your child. You must be tired, busy and longing for a new life. But it’s no fun as a single parent in many ways.

I'm a realist. The spark does get buried in long term relationships esp with small children. I'm not madly in love with my dh but I love him. I love the fact he accepts me for who I am, that he loves our boys, we have happy life and muddle along. We not trail blazing but I will settle for happy married life with happy children

I can’t believe you would have another baby with this man knowing that you intend to leave him. That’s really cruel. You need to discuss how you feel with him, in depth and think about what’s right for everyone—not just the fact that you want your kids to be full siblings. What a horrible reason to string someone along.

Stick with the counselling and don’t make any major decisions yet. You are still grieving and your head is not in a great place. You need time to get over your loss then you can work out what your future should be.

^this.
And if that means moving on then move on. It won't be good for your DC to grow up with an unhappy mother. But give yourself time to get over your loss before you make any major decisions.

I don't think that you are in the right place to make any big decisions about your life right now TBH. You are still grieving, having come to terms with a surprise pregnancy. The last three months have been a rollercoaster of emotions, and not exactly the ideal circumstances to try to turn around a relationship

Unless he behaved appallingly during this time - which it doesn't sound like he did? - I would honestly advise you to give it more time and seek proper couple's counselling to work through what you both want from the relationship

I can understand why you want your children to have the same father. I felt the same.

But my children’s daycare costs £1850 a month for 2 of them and it a lot harder having 2 than just one baby.

Sorry about your loss, Ive had a miscarriage, it’s so painful and soul destroying xx

You’ve commenced counselling and it’s elicited a strong response
Both of you lost a baby,v recently. He’s not necessarily “over it” he’s just responding differently to you op
Maybe he’s putting a good face on it,stiff upper lip and all that. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism
I’d let things settle,don’t make any changes and see how things pan out next 6mth
I wish you both well following your bereavement

Fact that he doesn’t participate at food bank doesn’t render him an asshole -think about it vast majority people will never volunteer. Doesn't make them uncaring or unaware. It’s great that you get sense of purpose in volunteering, but don’t necessarily write him off because he doesn’t volunteer

It's the oldest and most silly scenario out there to think another baby will mend a marriage. I know so many women who have gone down that route and ended up with 2 children and single.

I've not had time to read all the thread, but if your marriage is not working, another child won't fix that and it's totally unfair to bring another child into the world when you are aware of the cracks in your relationship.

Your child does not 'need' a sibling to have a happy childhood; they need parents who love one another and are together out of choice.

If you have another child to 'complete your family' but are unsure of your relationship, your partner is effectively a sperm donor. Not good.

'But I don’t know if I should leave him or stay and have another baby with him, wait a year or two and then end the relationship'

Tell him this and then let him decide if he still wants to stay with you and have another dc?

Seems only fair to let him know

You are ONLY 28!
My DCs are older than you. If they came to me with this scenario I'd give them a bloody good talking to.

You don't know what you want. Clearly having known this man for 7 years, you made a bad choice if you are already sick of him before you are even 30 years old.

You didn't seem to know your values (and his) then and now you are thinking of another child.

Sort yourself out first.

if you don't share the same core values and don't see a future with him, why did you get with him in the first place and stay for 7 years? That just doesn't make sense to me. Why get with a man who is happy where he is , if you want to live somewhere else? Did you think you could change him?

Even so, you don't need to think identically. You can have your thoughts and him his. you can donate to food banks, he just keeps his mouth shut on the subject. As long as he doesn't criticise you over it.

So if you have another child with him, then leave him, will you never have any more DC because they are not full siblings? What if you meet a man who wants a child?

It's an old cliche, but the grass is not always greener. You could leave your wonderful DP and have a totally shit life. I have seen it happen to friends, because they want "more".

On the other hand you can't stay if you are totally unhappy and have a miserable life, but you say that it isn't.

I have also seen friends with depression deciding that their marriage is the problem, when actually it isn't, the depression is. I think that you need to source some counselling and then see how you feel after that.

I think it’s natural to want your children to have the same father but obviously not everyone’s life goes to plan does it and she’s just lost a baby so it’s natural to want a new baby to replace it but she has stated she isn’t going to now

Ups and downs are common in LTR, a lot of people talk about going through periods where their partner became more like a housemate or friend or just a co-parent than a lover. It's hard, but there is a lot that has been said on this that might help you if you search around. Youtube is full of videos of people discussing their experiences with it. Planning to have another child just to leave, not so much but previous posters have that covered.

I went through period like this, went on over a year where I was uncertain about our future, where I felt we were too different, where I knew he was a great guy, but I was unsure I loved him romantically and questioned if I was attracted to him. We'd had multiple close family deaths in a very short period, I came out of one toxic social circle and almost right into another one, some of my childhood stuff and body issues that I thought I was over came back to haunt me, and just daily stress of kids and work and life and...yeah it was a bad period individually and for us as a couple. We got to a point of discussing rejigging the house to live as separated though never did it. Part of moving through that was taking my very high standards for myself and being good & worthwhile & on all the time & always going after goals (of which my spouse is the opposite, he's the most content, relaxed person I've ever met) and relearning how to relax, trying out many things just for the fun of it, reconnecting with old friends, reevaluating things I'd thought I'd put behind me, and ignoring voices around me about what I should be or what our relationship be. The last year has been better than ever. I still go through hard times - depression was kicking my ass yesterday - but I know even in my worst moments how much better we are together and go from there.

Only you can decide if it's the same for you. I agree with others that the first step is being open and giving yourself time to grieve. It hurts, I still regret the pain I caused my spouse and myself when I was going through it though he would be the first to say it's water under the bridge, but it's part of moving forward in life. It's too short to mess with people by staying only to get what you want.

You are going through a very sad and rough time having lost a baby - you have a child together and there is love there, strong love on one side at least. Please try to work through the problems in your marriage for longer and see how it goes; I think that if you like him and appreciate him you may well be able to fall back into love with him.

I think you need to worry less about the charity work and concentrate on providing a stable home life for your own family.

@Babyorbust I know this was a few years ago now, however I am SO interested in what you decided?! This is EXACTLY how I feel about my partner right now and its on my mind EVERY DAY. Do we start trying for baby number 2 or do we break up??? How did you decide, WHAT did you decide??

If you could happily coexist as best friends and co-parents for the rest of your life, I would say have another child. At its heart, that is really what a successful marriage (or non-marriage) is. Sometimes the passion is stronger than at other times and that passion really does help make it work, but the core friendship is the essential part.

If you aren’t able to live like this long term, you need to leave sooner than later . Your child is better off being an only child than bringing more children into a relationship you know won’t last.

I don't think it's ethical to have another baby with him while you feel this way.

@DriftingBlue @Chocaholic9 It's a Zombie thread

As others have said, it would be grossly unfair and selfish to have another child with him.

Children fundamentally change any relationship.

It's all about what ''You'' want...But if you were truly compatible, you'd be considering him, too.

Don't have a second child, it will likely be the wedge that drives you apart, rather than the glue that bonds.
Even very outwardly compatible people have split with the arrival of baby number 2.

@kynz

I'll give you the same advice I was about to give OP before I realized the thread was four years old. Tell your partner the complete truth, and ask him what he wants to do. I don't mean vague platitudes like "I don't think I'll be happy with you in the long term." I mean the sort of specifics OP gets into in her initial post. Tell him this, word-for-word: "I'm going to leave you. There's nothing you can say that will make me change my mind. Would you rather I leave now, or would you prefer I had another baby with your first? That will give you another 1-2 years to enjoy being with me, but it will also mean you'll be have to pay maintenance for two children instead of one. It will also mean that you'll have to start from zero two years from now when you might have already been happily remarried by then if I'd left now, and that your future wife will have to be willing to accept two stepchildren rather than one."

If you can't bring yourself to do that because it sounds too horrible when you set it out in those terms, consider the possibility that it might actually be horrible, and you might just be horrible for thinking it.

Hi OP, I just wanted to question when you say you've been trying to make the relationship work.... what does this mean in practice? If I was a fly on the wall observing you "trying" what would that look like? What behaviours would I see?

I ask this because often trying basically means hoping/wishing things were different (useless) rather than behaviour change such as going to Relate, reading a relationship book together and using the new skills, focusing on aspects of the relationship you're grateful for etc. Nothing will change unless you actually do something different.

No of course you should not have a child with a man you don't love or want to be with!

Also morally wrong to string him along when he wants to try and make the relationship work, to use him for another baby and then dump him in a couple of years and make him a single dad of 2

Also, as someone who travels the world/lives abroad with my husband and children - you could maybe make it work just you alone with one kid. But you alone with two kids would be MUCH harder. With two kids all of your travel would be drastically more expensive, not to mention more difficult logistically, and you'd have to make regular trips home (assuming you're even allowed to take your children in the first place, which your partner could very easily prevent). It would be more expensive to find the childcare support most expats find in replacement of family/friend help. You'd have to pay twice as much for schools, twice as much for insurance which is hugely expensive. If you were to homeschool, it would be much easier with just 1.

And that's assuming, like I said before, that your partner will willingly allow you to leave the country and take his children from him long-term, which I very much doubt, assuming he is even a half-decent parent. So you might need to take this out kf the equation altogether as chances of it happening might be quite low? Have you discussed with him?

But yeah. If he is okay with it, believe me, as a single mum, travelling and living abroad would be MUCH easier with just 1.

If he is desperate to save your relationship， would he consider compromising and doing some travel/living abroad with you?