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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I leave him or have another baby?

118 replies

Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 12:44

Think this will be a long one. I’ve name changed.

DP and I have been together for 7 years. We have 1 DS aged nearly 1. We own a home, a car, have a will, life insurance, etc. We are not married which doesn’t bother me in the slightest (I know many on here have strong opinions about this which I fully respect, but don’t want this thread to be a marriage debate please!)

My DP is a really nice, kind man and a great dad to our son. But I don’t feel anything for him any more romantically. The spark has well and truly gone. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I don’t think we will be together for the rest of our lives. He is aware of how I feel and it makes him sad but he wants to work at the relationship. We are so different, we have nothing in common, our core values are not the same and I realised this early 2017. Until then I was so madly in love with him I hadn’t noticed how poles apart we are. So early 2017 I told him how I felt and our relationship was effectively over... and then I fell pregnant. We decided to keep the baby and give our relationship a go. Everything was fine until DS was about 9mo when the old doubts started creeping in.

But I don’t know if I should leave him or stay and have another baby with him, wait a year or two and then end the relationship. I always wanted my children to be full siblings and DP is honestly the most amazing dad. I could happily plod along a few more years with him. We don’t fight or argue, we happily co exist almost as best friends.

What would you do? Am I an unreasonable arsehole for thinking I should have another baby even though I know the relationship won’t last long term? I’m prepared to be flamed but please be honest. Thanks.

OP posts:
SEsofty · 21/10/2018 13:13

Can you afford to run two households? You need to think about whether the positive of your relationship outweigh the negative

And do not bring another human being into this mess under any circumstance

Batteriesallgone · 21/10/2018 13:14

Well, I’ve known people that have done it. It seems a pretty soul destroying set up to me though.

Also it belies a feeling of personal superiority - you are willing to take advantage of his feelings to get what you want. How do you think it will affect your child’s emotional development, seeing that dynamic play out? Do you want to raise your child to be selfish? How would you feel if you had a daughter and she told you this was her plan? Or a son in your husband’s position?

You may not love him but you can still respect him.

Original poster
Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 13:14

When I say abroad I mean when I’m much, much older, think retirement age. It’s just a pipe dream probably but hey ho.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/10/2018 13:15

Are you mad because ehe is over it quicker than you? I’m not trying to be arse and what you are going through must be dreadful but, he didn’t carry the baby, it’s probably not as real to him so early on and therefore easier to get over or at least move on from. My partner loves his kids but truly didn’t feel much bond until the baby was kicking and he could feel it, even then it was the same bond I would have had until the baby is born and he could actually feel what I have but from inside me. Pregnancy is very different for a man and for a woman and understandably so.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/10/2018 13:15

Ahh I see, that sounds fair enough then. Even I would like to do that but can’t see it happening.

Juells · 21/10/2018 13:16

Am I an unreasonable arsehole for thinking I should have another baby even though I know the relationship won’t last long term?

Yes, you're using him as a sperm donor and provider. Horrible.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 21/10/2018 13:16

Following your update i think you need to slow down and not make any decisions right now as you are still coming to terms with your loss and wont have a sense of perspective right now. How you feel about whats happened is bound to be blurring your view of your relationship and you may be projecting your feelings of unhappiness on to him.
Please take some time and work on yourself, no rash decsions need to be made while you are grieving.
I'm really sorry for your loss Flowers

Batteriesallgone · 21/10/2018 13:18

I’m sorry OP I was writing my comment as you were updating.

Take the time to get over your loss. Tell him if he really wants the relationship to work he needs to let you grieve and not expect you to rush to get over it. That is the priority right now.

I hope you are ok and I am sorry for your loss.

Darkstar4855 · 21/10/2018 13:18

I think with a young child and a recent miscarriage it’s probably not the best time to be making life changing decisions about your relationship and having another child.

How would you feel if you did split up and your partner moved on and met someone else? Have you thought about how you would manage shared custody of your child(ren)?

Honestly I think you should not be having another child if you are this unsure about the future of your relationship.

DasPepe · 21/10/2018 13:20

These are not values, they are interests. Values are how you will deal when your child talks back to you, how you will discipline them, how you will discuss issues as they arrive, sharing, social skills.

Please don’t have another child if you think you will separate. How realistic is your ‘hope’ of living abroad? Moves like that are very expensive, as is traveling back and forth if you have family. I’d hate to be practical but these are all things to consider if you plan to be a single parent at some point.

Also, what is your ‘hope’ of living abroad? Do you have a realistic idea how and when or is it just an unplanned dream that’s getting in the way of seeing how things are now?

SEsofty · 21/10/2018 13:21

Have just read your update. I have many friends who are still processing miscarriage years later. There is far too much going on for you to realistically make life decisions about your relationship or anything major at the moment

Dodie66 · 21/10/2018 13:22

What happened in 2017 to make you suddenly realise you weren’t in love with him anymore. Love changes through the years anyway

PurpleRobe · 21/10/2018 13:24

Don't bring another human in to a relationship that you don't want.

And you're being unfair to partner by basically using him for a baby when he wants to continue the relationship.

The example "Poles apart" doesn't sound bad to me! But if the spark has gone. It's gone.

Surprised you're still having sex if you don't like his values or have spark anymore :/

Missingstreetlife · 21/10/2018 13:24

What are you, 12? I suggest you stick with the counselling, and then have some with him. You have a good partner who will support you, life is not all roses and unicorns. Lots of us have a bad patch, sorry for your loss, you need time to get over that. Take stock next year

Original poster
Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 13:28

Thanks all. I think everyone else expecting me to be over the loss has made me think I should be too. I’ve realised it’s probably no coincidence these issues have reared their head again since the loss. Perhaps I’m not dealing with it as well as I thought.

We’ve not had sex since I fell pregnant. Our relationship was going fine then.

Sadly I’m well past 12 but thank you for your hilarious input.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 21/10/2018 13:29

Why do you have to decide now? The things I'm seeing:

  1. Your DC is only 1 year (that's a hectic year for anyone)
  2. You have only been working on your relationship for 3 months (not long)
  3. For most of those 3 months were were pregant as you lost a baby at 2 months (so sorry for your loss) but hormones and emotions all over the place.

How about - give it 2 years without any more children and work on your relationship in that time.

VenusInSpurs · 21/10/2018 13:29

OP: having a child never brings people closer together in a threadbare relationship, it creates extra strain.

I am curious that you think it more important that your children are ‘full siblings’ than that they are living with a parent. That you would have TWO children who will live seoerately from their Dad rather than one, in the interests of full-sibling-hood.

And your DH yo have 2 kids to lose for half the week?

If you stay you have to be able to do it with full grace. It is horribly cruel and demeaning to tell your DH that you are staying just for the children, don’t love him and will use him once again as a father.

Are you pushing him to make the decision for you?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 21/10/2018 13:31

I'm sorry for your loss, but you do sound very self-absorbed. You'd actually have another baby in the full intent of leaving him a couple of years later, just so your children can be 'full siblings'? I'm assuming the grief of the mc is stopping you thinking clearly, because the calculatingness of and reasoning for that is actually quite shocking. Also agree about your 'sense of personal superiority'. Volunteering at the food bank does not make you a better person per se, nor entitles you to use him for your ends.

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/10/2018 13:32

@Babyorbust sorry for you loss Flowers

Right now you need time to come to terms with your loss and grieve for what might have been. Now isn't the time for big decisions; hopefully you can continue to explore your feelings with your counsellor and come to a decision when you are at a more stable point in your life.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/10/2018 13:33

You cannot let your DP think you are trying to make it work, extract another baby out of him, then send him off to live on his own and pay maintenance for 2 children or be a 50/50 parent. The idea is horrifying.

Original poster
Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 13:38

I absolutely agree that volunteering at a food bank doesn’t make me superior. I hope I’ve made it clear in my posts just how great my partner is. He is truly a wonderful person. Maybe he deserves better than me.

So, a new question then... feel free to call me naive/clueless etc but seeing as I have been with DP 7 years and that’s 1/4 of my life I am fairly inexperienced in long term relationships. Is what I describe normal for a LTR? The peaks and troughs and sometimes looking at your partner and questioning it all? Because if that’s normal in a relationship it would give me hope that mine might be ok.

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 21/10/2018 13:39

Poor fellow being strung along. You sound a bit grass is greener to be honest. It’s not all romance and madly in love in a marriage, some of it is hard work, some of it is just rubbing along together amicably and some of it - not much - is mad passion and romance. Even if he did want the same very vague things as you, it might be a nightmare. What if he did want to move abroad but to Florida and you fancy a villa in rural France, or he wants to move to Italy and spend his retirement cycling but you want to garden.

More to the point, if you ditch him will you have enough money as a single parent of 1/2 to ever move abroad or even the spare cash to donate to a food bank?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 21/10/2018 13:39

In light of your update, slow down. I am sorry for your loss.

Keep seeing the counsellor, focus on your DS and your DP and communicate with him about your loss.

LostInShoebiz · 21/10/2018 13:40

Yes it’s utterly normal after 7 years and would be the same with the next man/sperm doner (because that’s effectively what you’re thinking of reducing your DH to).

Batteriesallgone · 21/10/2018 13:43

Its normal. Totally normal. Especially in times of stress.

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