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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we’re not compatible

80 replies

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:08

I am finding DP just exhausting to live with as he has this thing where things have to be ‘ just so’.
Some examples. Sheets on the bed have to be tucked in properly for him to sleep . So If I’m in bed first he will start messing around picking up mattress etc. Drinks have to be in particular glass , white wine, red wine, beer -he will pour it into correct one if I give him different glass. Would rather not drink the beer if its not chilled enough . Food has to be cooked perfectly for him to eat it. If he slightly over does the lamb , he’ll keep mentioning it throughout the whole meal ,even though I acknowledge then try to change the subject. Has to get up from table as we’re about to eat to select particular music track for the meal. He thinks certain items should go on specific places in the fridge. If he asks me to pick him something up from the shop it’s always so specific that I have to write it down , I can’t risk choosing myself as it will be wrong and go to waste. And shopping for clothes or shoes with him is excruciating as he is usually so specific in what he’s after. Eating out on holiday , we have to read every menu on the street with DC getting hungry because he wants a particular light salad or something dairy free.
It’s that he cares so much about every little thing. I suppose it is good that he’ll take so much care and effort when he cooks or hangs washing or sorts laundry .But I do these jobs the majority of the time and am usually multitasking . I am more of a ‘ chuck it in the machine , get it done’ I chop my veg a bit randomly, sometimes load plates in the dishwasher at angles. If I forget an essential item for the meal I would just change plan, do something else , whilst he’ll have to get back in the car and get it. He also is really upset about things not really running how they should eg. A bus not turning up. I just wish he could be more ‘ laid back ‘ but it’s never going to happen - perhaps with medication?
He thinks I don’t care enough about things , and that it’s lazy. I know it annoys him , but his caring so much feels oppressive and I start to feel pleasure on leaving lids off things . What is this personality type ? Are we just incompatible? We bicker constantly about this stuff. Exhausted.
( my family don’t care about details either eg. Not matching pillows to sheets etc which he thinks looks bad )

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/10/2018 10:12

Wow. I’m exhausted and want to divorce him just from reading your post.

How can anyone live with that level of intolerable control? He would be incompatible with pretty much everyone.

Isleepinahedgefund · 21/10/2018 10:16

I am also exhausted from reading it and want to leave him.

You won't be able to change him. Take him as he is (and be exhausted by it) or move ion.

Housingcraze · 21/10/2018 10:19

Give it time to resolve itself!

UpstartCrow · 21/10/2018 10:24

The problem is not that he is so particular, its that he drags the rest of the family in with him.
For example, its not parenting behaviour to make your children sit and go hungry while you faff about with the menu. Thats controlling behaviour.
Its not normal to disturb your partner who is already in bed because you want to mess around with the sheets.

There will be a reason why he is like this, he would need to go to see his GP and get a diagnosis. Not everything can be fixed with meds; he may not want to be fixed.
You could try couples counselling and see what happens.

Merryoldgoat · 21/10/2018 10:24

Give it time to resolve itself!

What does that mean?!

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:27

I think this
‘ Give it time to resolve itself ‘
was posted in error on wrong thread . ?

OP posts:

lindtteddymurderer · 21/10/2018 10:29

It sounds like he has OCD. This won't resolve itself. He needs help.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/10/2018 10:29

Was he always like this? He sounds exhausting.

MatildaTheCat · 21/10/2018 10:31

He is on a different end of the spectrum of particularliness to you. I’m a bit like him without the more extreme examples. I’m also quite good at hiding it mostly. In my house I’m mostly in charge of things like the laundry and beds so yes, it is sorted correctly and the pillowcases do match.

Can you let him have control of some of this and ignore his fussing but on the basis that you absolutely don’t want to discuss the meat all through the meal? You don’t want to hear his inner voice finding fault all the time. There needs to be compromise here.

tiggerkid · 21/10/2018 10:31

Sounds like OCD and a certain type of personality all in one. If you don't think the two of you can work out some strategies to live together without driving each other mad, then there is only one question for you: do you see yourself being able to accept the way he is without being annoyed? If the answer is no, then I think you already know what you need to do.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2018 10:32

Honestly I'd struggle with both of you, it would annoy me with lids left off things, mismatching bed linen, etc, and I also use the right glass for things, for example I wouldn't drink wine out a tumbler or whatever.

You seem opposite ends of the spectrum so I'd say incompatible yes.

Seniorschoolmum · 21/10/2018 10:33

There’s only one way that this is going to work op. You need to sit him down and explain that you don’t care about matched sheets and the right glass. So when he is pouring a drink, he can choose. But otherwise he needs to chill out. He can check menus in advance but not keep you all waiting. And if he wants to faff with the sheets, he can do it in the spare room.

He has to understand that he’s making you miserable & the marriage untenable. He has to be prepared to compromise. Not always but sometimes.

For what it’s worth, I’d say he has some fairly OCD tendencies there and a chat with the GP might be in order.

Jozen · 21/10/2018 10:34

My colleague is like this. I work closely with him and I do like him (as a colleague) but hell's bells, it's exhausting. I couldn't live with it, I'd go insane.
Colleague put too many sesame seeds on his lunch one day so threw the whole lot away. This made him go into a foul mood for the rest of the afternoon with me trying to gee him up. Perhaps thrusting a bag of salt and vinegar crisps under his nose and telling him to get the fuck over himself wasn't the best thing but I was at the end of my tether.
I don't know the answer OP but at least I get to go home and lead a separate life.

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:35

Yes I think he has always been like this. Particular . At first I thought I should try to make an effort to do things ‘ properly’ as when we first got together I was coming from a twenty something houseshare situation and had lived very casually.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 21/10/2018 10:35

You just aren't compatible and if you stay together both of you will be unhappy.

Popfan · 21/10/2018 10:37

Have you ever considered if he might have Aspergers? How is he with social situations and relationships with others?

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:39

Bluntness - no I would never put wine in a tumbler but have mixed red and white glasses up.
:)

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 21/10/2018 10:39

Some things, you can compromise on.

It’s really not hard to give him drinks in the “correct” glass (if we’re talking wine glass for wine here, not one particular glass!) if you’re the one pouring. His compromise needs to be that if it’s the wrong glass, it’s up to him to change it without any reproach. Ditto the bedding - it’s really not hard to put matching bedding on.

But it can’t control your life. If he can’t cope with some things not being done by you - he needs to find help. If he simply won’t try to find help, I wouldn’t bother with him.

But the easy compromises aside, absolutely not acceptable for him to let kids go hungry whilst he pisses about finding Dairy Free. If he can accept that in those situations he has to compromise, and works hard to do so, I’d accept and support him. If he won’t even try, I’d bin him off.

Candlelights2345 · 21/10/2018 10:39

Lifting a mattress to faff with sheets whilst you are in the bed (asleep?) is not normal, hugely annoying and dismissive of your wants /needs. Personally I wouldn’t be able to put up with this behaviour.

GreenandBlueButterfly · 21/10/2018 10:42

I could not live with either of you. You sound too sloppy for me and he's clearly got OCD. Has he always been like that? Maybe counseling for both of you together could work, but in any case, he needs help!

Lifeisabeach09 · 21/10/2018 10:42

He does sound like the type of person who will obsess on things if they aren't done correctly (in his way). Autism, OCD, processing disorder...I don't know. Perhaps, he'll benefit from an assessment. Also, has it got worse?
Anyway, is it possible to leave certain chores to him? Cooking, making beds etc.
Definitely a chat is in order at the minimum.

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:42

Jozen. I enjoyed the colleague story 😊

No social problems. He’s fine with others. Can be very sociable and entertaining when we!re with friends. Also he understands emotions etc, we have good discussions about people and feelings, emotions .

OP posts:

Juells · 21/10/2018 10:46

I can't believe that he's able to deal with the messy business of sex!

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 10:50

Spend a day matching duvets and put a set in a pillowcase belonging to the set.

I do use the “right” glasses.

Washing I always sort or it gets greyed.

I’d struggle with either of you.

81Byerley · 21/10/2018 10:50

Has he ever had an assessment for Autism?

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