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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think we’re not compatible

80 replies

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:08

I am finding DP just exhausting to live with as he has this thing where things have to be ‘ just so’.
Some examples. Sheets on the bed have to be tucked in properly for him to sleep . So If I’m in bed first he will start messing around picking up mattress etc. Drinks have to be in particular glass , white wine, red wine, beer -he will pour it into correct one if I give him different glass. Would rather not drink the beer if its not chilled enough . Food has to be cooked perfectly for him to eat it. If he slightly over does the lamb , he’ll keep mentioning it throughout the whole meal ,even though I acknowledge then try to change the subject. Has to get up from table as we’re about to eat to select particular music track for the meal. He thinks certain items should go on specific places in the fridge. If he asks me to pick him something up from the shop it’s always so specific that I have to write it down , I can’t risk choosing myself as it will be wrong and go to waste. And shopping for clothes or shoes with him is excruciating as he is usually so specific in what he’s after. Eating out on holiday , we have to read every menu on the street with DC getting hungry because he wants a particular light salad or something dairy free.
It’s that he cares so much about every little thing. I suppose it is good that he’ll take so much care and effort when he cooks or hangs washing or sorts laundry .But I do these jobs the majority of the time and am usually multitasking . I am more of a ‘ chuck it in the machine , get it done’ I chop my veg a bit randomly, sometimes load plates in the dishwasher at angles. If I forget an essential item for the meal I would just change plan, do something else , whilst he’ll have to get back in the car and get it. He also is really upset about things not really running how they should eg. A bus not turning up. I just wish he could be more ‘ laid back ‘ but it’s never going to happen - perhaps with medication?
He thinks I don’t care enough about things , and that it’s lazy. I know it annoys him , but his caring so much feels oppressive and I start to feel pleasure on leaving lids off things . What is this personality type ? Are we just incompatible? We bicker constantly about this stuff. Exhausted.
( my family don’t care about details either eg. Not matching pillows to sheets etc which he thinks looks bad )

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/10/2018 11:32

I wonder what your DP's childhood was like, OP.

I wonder if he didn't feel secure. OCD is often a maladaptive way of trying to feel safe. It is a kind of holding through one's environment. If the person doesn't feel held, then they can be consumed by anxiety - a sense of incompleteness. This frequently goes back to their primary carers, and not being held - either physically, or by someone's care and attention.

When you see it this way, this is your DP's way of ensuring his own perceived safety in his life.

However, it is also unsustainable for those around him - and probably for himself if he were able to admit it. It is a kind of purgatory, really. I would be suggesting he gets help, and if he doesn't, that's fine, but I wouldn't be staying around.

uffling · 21/10/2018 11:32

I forgot the sheets. The fucking sheets. That still makes my blood boil.

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2018 11:33

I think he needs to understand that you have a right to do things your way and to feel comfortable and be allowed to be 'you' not his idea of how you should be.
You are trying to understand and be compassionate and you deserve the same consideration.
I find it difficult too because my DP can't understand why his doing things 'right' would irritate me so basically, I'm arguing against doing things properly in his eyes.
You either have to accept it, because it's doubtful he will change, or consider separation if you can't, especially if it affects the whole family.

NoodlesAreYum · 21/10/2018 11:35

It sounds like you thrive on chaos and he enjoys order. There’s no problem with either of you - you just need to respect each other.

How on earth have you managed 13 years?!

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 21/10/2018 11:37

DD has shown signs of becoming like that. I hope not, for the sake of any future partner.

AlphaBravo · 21/10/2018 11:38

OP you've just described my own Dad. Leave now. For the love of god please. As a child having to put up with this it was awful growing up. He has done nothing but get worse as he's got older and it's escalated - my Mum's retirement is a living hell.

Leave. Please. For your kids alone I am begging you.

SleepySofa · 21/10/2018 11:48

I must admit, I sound quite like your DP Sad

With me, there are always logical reasons for my particularness, but living with my own DP and working hard to try not to drive him crazy has taught me that often his way, while not being the “right” way, is actually ok. Also I’m in the process of being assessed for ASD as well, which is why I suggested it might be something like that with your partner. Being sociable and understanding emotions doesn’t rule this out.

crimsonlake · 21/10/2018 12:29

The shirts, ah yes. Being a SAHM I started ironing my ex's shirts, though not for long as he started sending them out to be ironed. I think I dated someone even worse, complete control freak around the home, it did not really bother me as I never had any intention of moving in with him and could put up with his ways in the short term. When I was at his, I learnt to do nothing at all too help as it was never good enough. If I washed glasses he would inspect them afterwards, always finding something and pointing it out. There was no way I was going near his dish washer to stack dishes. Everything in his house was kept organised and spotless. I used to laugh when he made his digging comments but my god it would have been murder within the first day if we actually had lived together.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 12:49

I can’t sleep if the sheets or duvet are crinkled or lumpy.

Blush
TotHappy · 21/10/2018 12:58

Mmm, yeah, he sounds a bit like me
I like things done properly as well, put away in the right place. If you don't have matching sets of linen etc then fine, but if you DO why the buggery wouldn't you match?! And DH is like you. I find it so frustrating that we have all these things and he doesn't use them, or uses them all wrong. I remember once his dad was round for lunch and he had laid out dessert spoons for soup - I went to change them for soup spoons saying something like 'we're not animals!' ha.
I do think I've got better and learned to let things go, but only quite recently - and we've been together 13 years too. Thanks for showing me a bit about what it feels like for him. For me, the frustration is largely because I feel like he doesn't listen to me, like my wants aren't import ant because they wouldn't be important to him. So I feel unloved and put down. Just a perspective.

LannieDuck · 21/10/2018 13:59

The other option is that you do start to do things carefully and slowly. And he has to help finish off any chores that are left at the end of the day when he gets in from work.

He then has the choice about putting up with it being done quickly and less-than-perfect, or pitching in with the excess chores after a long day at work.

LittleKitty1985 · 21/10/2018 14:59

@Pinkhorses This sounds more like OCPD to me. Does he do these things to avoid anxiety or because he sees them as logical?

This article explains the difference between OCD and OCPD quite clearly: www.verywellmind.com/ocd-vs-obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-2510584

BestZebbie · 21/10/2018 18:10

I think you are incompatible - and I'd personally find it a lot harder to live with you than with him!

busybarbara · 21/10/2018 18:13

I just wish he could be more ‘ laid back ‘ but it’s never going to happen - perhaps with medication?

I'd hold on going down this line of thought for now. Unless he's actually I'll you can't medicate someone's personality away

Original poster
Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 19:19

Shawshank. Thanks for the link I will have a look.
Category - I think that would be good . I’d love him to take charge for a week. I think his standards would fall because otherwise theres no free time at the end of the day.

I’m not sure whether it’s tidiness with him - I like the place to look tidy . Eg he leaves piles of stuff all over the bedroom which I move as I want it to be a calming uncluttered place.
I think it’s that he believes there is a correct way to do things and if I gave more attention I would realise his way is best. He might be right but I am in a rush and just need to make sure dinner’s done in time, clothes are out of machine etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 19:30

@tothappy
Oh yes the correct cutlery . I remember that one from the beginning of our relationship.
I used to grab any kind of spoon.
I still put out ‘ a butter knife’ rather than a dinner knife by mistake though and he has to get up and change.
I would have friends round for dinner and give them mismatched wine glasses without caring - but he’ll say we have to go out and buy a new set because we don’t have a matching 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 19:42

@tothappy The last bit you wrote sounds familiar . When we talk after an argument he tells me that is how he feels- not listened to.

OP posts:
adaline · 21/10/2018 19:44

It sounds a bit like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Mixed bedsheets drive me nuts - it's just as easy to put a matching set on and it looks so much smarter 

I'm also very particular about things (I think it drives DH nuts sometimes) but if something is out of place or bothering me I just get up and sort it. I don't let my obsessive behaviour become his problem.

But I have got aspergers and I think wanting things to be "just so" to the point that you get up at 3am to sort it out is a particular trait of that. However you say he hasn't got any social issues so perhaps not.

What's his behaviour like when he can't have things his way?

Original poster
Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 19:49

AfistfullofDolores Thanks for taking the time to comment . I think iso many parts of our characters are related to those first years. We talk about that and he felt like his care was not consistent in those early years.His emotional needs were not met because mother used him to support her emotionally He gets ‘over upset ‘ about small things but then I am afraid of anything resembling anger because of my own childhood - not a good combination.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 21/10/2018 19:50

I think that if you are able to talk about it you should say that he has to equally make an effort to accept your way, so whilst you try your best to remember the right way to do stuff, you find it stressful to always be thinking about it, and if he cares for you equally, he should accept that if these things are NOT at all important to you, and sometimes you make a mistake, he should learn to live with that without making a fuss!

ThatssomedeadbratCarrie · 21/10/2018 19:53

We all know a Monica from Friends. Wouldn’t want to live with one though or one that expects everyone to live up to his issues.

Original poster
Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 19:53

BED SHEETS.
I don’t actually do mis matching but I noticed my parents do this last time we visited and Dad told me they had decided not to bother searching for correct nes any more
I thought , that’s a more extreme version of me . I’m quite into interiors and things looking a certain way. Not for any logical reason but because it gives me pleasure .

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 20:00

Little kitty.
Everything seems to be for a logical reason which makes sense if I think about it. Like cut veg in even sizes so that they cook evenly.
Cut chicken small for stir fry , big pieces for longer cooked dishes. A certain type of fish for frying another for bouillabaisse. Particular wine for certain dinner.

It’s not random stuff because he has anxiety. I will look ok at the links.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 20:04

@busyBarbara
The medication was not serious - I should have done a smiley face - actually i couldn’t stand it if he didn’t care at all and was all “ chill babes”

OP posts:
TotHappy · 22/10/2018 15:18

Oh no you and him are husband and me. Does it really bother you so much? I love doing things the right way, the correct way, and my way IS better, it IS logical, I assure you. When he just doesn't care it makes me feel like he's been dragged up and has no standards and then I feel an incredible amount of pressure to be the only one maintaining our lives properly or even trying to. Does any of this sound familiar?

But,I don't see stuff in surfaces as 'clutter', lots of things in my house life on the surfaces. And my laundry basket is always full, I don't mind. My husband has said exactly the same as you just write an it our bedroom. This is actually weird!