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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we’re not compatible

80 replies

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:08

I am finding DP just exhausting to live with as he has this thing where things have to be ‘ just so’.
Some examples. Sheets on the bed have to be tucked in properly for him to sleep . So If I’m in bed first he will start messing around picking up mattress etc. Drinks have to be in particular glass , white wine, red wine, beer -he will pour it into correct one if I give him different glass. Would rather not drink the beer if its not chilled enough . Food has to be cooked perfectly for him to eat it. If he slightly over does the lamb , he’ll keep mentioning it throughout the whole meal ,even though I acknowledge then try to change the subject. Has to get up from table as we’re about to eat to select particular music track for the meal. He thinks certain items should go on specific places in the fridge. If he asks me to pick him something up from the shop it’s always so specific that I have to write it down , I can’t risk choosing myself as it will be wrong and go to waste. And shopping for clothes or shoes with him is excruciating as he is usually so specific in what he’s after. Eating out on holiday , we have to read every menu on the street with DC getting hungry because he wants a particular light salad or something dairy free.
It’s that he cares so much about every little thing. I suppose it is good that he’ll take so much care and effort when he cooks or hangs washing or sorts laundry .But I do these jobs the majority of the time and am usually multitasking . I am more of a ‘ chuck it in the machine , get it done’ I chop my veg a bit randomly, sometimes load plates in the dishwasher at angles. If I forget an essential item for the meal I would just change plan, do something else , whilst he’ll have to get back in the car and get it. He also is really upset about things not really running how they should eg. A bus not turning up. I just wish he could be more ‘ laid back ‘ but it’s never going to happen - perhaps with medication?
He thinks I don’t care enough about things , and that it’s lazy. I know it annoys him , but his caring so much feels oppressive and I start to feel pleasure on leaving lids off things . What is this personality type ? Are we just incompatible? We bicker constantly about this stuff. Exhausted.
( my family don’t care about details either eg. Not matching pillows to sheets etc which he thinks looks bad )

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:51

Elisandra- I used the wine glasses as an example. I do use the correct ones now when I pour. It’s just that I feel there are so many things like that to remember - eg . Particular cup if drinking tea from teapot
and different sized one if teabag. I just can’t remember all it all and get a bit mixed up.
He will just go to the kitchen and change it. But I think he’s disappointed I don’t care enough to remember .

Life is a beach - I have to do most of the cooking and chores during the week as he gets home later and I’d rather he played with DC. Weekends I leave more for him to do.

I used to hang his shirts to dry but didn’t do it right so now I don’t do them - which I’m happy about .

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 21/10/2018 10:53

I think he needs to walk in your shoes for a couple of days. It sounds as if you're doing the majority of the housework in a very limited time? (you say you need to multitask to get it all done)

I'll bet if he had to do the same amount of work in the same amount of time, the only way he could do it would be by dropping his standards.

Ellisandra · 21/10/2018 10:57

I know the wine glass was an example. It was also an example from me, of things that are easy to accommodate. I don’t think it’s that hard to remember things where his need for “correctness” is logical. So if he wants a mug when it’s a tea bag but a cup and saucer for a teapot - not hard to remember. But if he wants a blue mug on Tuesday unless it’s Earl Grey in which case it has to the green, except during October... then he can fuck off and make his own tea

This, the easy stuff, I would try to accommodate in someone I loved if:

they never ever ever evenly silently criticised any errors (and passive aggressive sighs as he changed to the green mug would be met with divorce papers!)

and they acknowledged that their mental health issue was impacting me, and were seeking help for it

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 10:57

Lannie duck - yes, I feel like all domestic work is done in a rush . I work in a job until 1.30 . Run my own small business from home and then drive DC to activities etc. So everything is done v quickly .
He’ll do things slowly and carefully at weekends .

OP posts:

JuliaJaynes9 · 21/10/2018 10:57

I think it could be very difficult to achieve domestic harmony when you have such a different approaches, I can't see that there is any kind of a compromise that you would both be satisfied with?

TombStonebake · 21/10/2018 10:58

The problem is not that he is so particular, its that he drags the rest of the family in with him.

This^^.

My dh is quite particular. So am I as it goes, but about different things. But neither of us drags the other into it. If I don’t like the way he does something, I do it myself.

But, why does it matter to you if he doesn’t want beer which isn’t chilled? Or so what if he wants his drink in the right glass? As long as he isn’t being a dick about it and he sorts it himself, then meh. Let him crack on.

It does sound like you find his ways irritating though. How long have you been together? Are they your dcs together or from previous relationships?

Angrybird345 · 21/10/2018 11:00

Have you seen sleeping with the enemy with Julia Roberts? Your situation immediately made me think of this film ..... not good!!!

Ellisandra · 21/10/2018 11:00

Be careful, about what you think and what is true.
You think he believes you don’t care, when he goes to change it.
That would be unfair of him, and exhausting for you.
But what if you’re wrong?
What if he doesn’t think that of you at all? What if you barely registered him changing it, and didn’t feel judged? Wouldn’t that be less exhausting?
If he is judging you, he can fuck off. But if you just think he is, then it’s in your power to reduce the stress of this.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 21/10/2018 11:00

He reminds me of the definition of a perfectionist - someone who takes great pains ... and gives them to others!

Seriously, though, it must be difficult. Is he aware enough to know that his behaviour is wearing you down?

SleepySofa · 21/10/2018 11:02

He could very well have a sensory issue or OCD, though. He shouldn’t be doing things like making the kids wait to eat while he faffs, or disturbing your sleep, but it’s a dick move to do things deliberately to annoy him, like leaving the lids off.

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 11:03

Elissandra - You’re right his choices about tea cups are logical. It’s probably me, not making an effort .
He’s irritated about having to repeatedly tell me things and I just forget .

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2018 11:06

My DP is like this but he doesn't expect me to be exactly the same. He does moan if I don't shut a door properly, or put things where they should be though.
I used to get stressed and argue with him but now I just ignore it or make a light hearted remark and smile.
I think it is a personality thing based on anxiety.

SleepySofa · 21/10/2018 11:07

And it really does depend whether he’s trying to force you to do it his way, or just prefers to do whatever it is himself so that it’s ‘right’. The former is controlling, the latter not so much.

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 11:10

Tombstone - yes most of the time I can ignore it but some days it’s one thing after another that I am just irritated.
Been together about 13 years. First Person I’ve ever lived with . Together for 7 years pre DC .

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 21/10/2018 11:10

It’s a fine line.

If he has a list of 100 little things that he gets irritated at you over, then I wouldn’t even stay with him unless he was in therapy for it - and even then, still maybe not.

But if he’s got a small number of frequent things, then I think it’s supportive for you to show you care by remembering them.

Fair enough you shouldn’t have to remember which side plate for a once in a blue moon starter. But if he drinks tea most days, then I don’t think it’s hard for you to get your head round which cup.

But - sorry I keep coming back to the same point! - I’d only be supportive of him if he were also making an effort.

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 11:13

Sleepy sofa. - good point , he definitely thinks his way is the right way . He doesnt force me, just tries to explain why . I think I an part of the problem as I don’t react well to imagined criticism .

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 21/10/2018 11:16

I think he needs to do more around the house and be involved in the realities of having a young family. Suggest a 50/50 split of all housework and childcare duties and if after a period of time the behaviour continues then leave.

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 11:17

Thanks Elissandra . You make sense and I am feeling more compassionate towards him right now.
The things he cares about aren’t random. They do have a reason behind them . I am quite forgetful and feel resentful that I have to remember this stuff- but maybe that’s what being in a relationship is about ?

I’m not sure . That’s why I’m asking here. Others think he sounds exhausting too.

OP posts:

category12 · 21/10/2018 11:19

Crikey, I've no idea how you stick it.

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 11:21

Cherries- I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think the 50/50 housework only works when couples work similar hours.
I chose to go part time - I want to have more time with DC as I enjoy it. This means he can work more hours and so I do more chores.

OP posts:

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/10/2018 11:25

I think it's the level of control that is the issue here. If it's affecting others in your family (like the meal out with kids having to wait) then that is an issue. Does your DH recognise that?

Also for those suggesting OCD, it's not about being tidy or things done a certain way. OCD is an anxiety condition. www.nhs.uk/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/

There may be some compromise to be had with regards to tea and wine, but others like the meals out and bed sheet tucking are things that he needs to examine why he needs to control to that extent; what would happen if the sheets were untucked?

Original poster

Pinkhorses · 21/10/2018 11:25

Thanks for your replies . I have to do stuff now so won’t be able to reply to anything today .

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 21/10/2018 11:27

It does sound like OCD. When I first met your ex I was similar to you and still am to a certain extent, unless I am expecting visitors. He actually owned a trouser press, kept the remote control etc in a row. It actually worked fine for us, I think I naturally became a bit tidier and he lowered his standards. That said before we separated he would come home and the first thing he used to do was plump the cushions and close the curtains properly, I used to watch and wait for him to do it every evening, makes me shudder even now to think of it.

category12 · 21/10/2018 11:28

I think the point was that he should walk in your shoes a bit, with the daily grind, not as a permanent thing.

What he wants is a lot of trivial pernickety things done that take up needless amounts of time and mental energy. And micromanaging you and picking up on what you do "wrong" is like he's your employer. As long as things are done and no-one died, what the buggery is his problem?

Perhaps you should trail round after him picking him up on how he does things all the time

uffling · 21/10/2018 11:31

The shirts! I have one of those DH.
His shirts have to be 'pulled' in a certain way straight out of the machine.
Kitchen must be cleaned and tidy before we eat (so basically we never eat as a family as he'd rather eat cold food than leave a single pan in the hob)
The children's toys must be put away in a specific way. So they tidy up, he redoes it.
Holiday packing - I'm not allowed to do. I feel like a child, have to get everything out and he will put it in the bag...
Certain brand of underwear, socks, shirts ONLY.
Loads of other crap that I just think, life's too short to worry about. My coping strategies are just to say fine, you like it like that, then you can do it. Not my job to pander to him. I phrase it to him as we wouldn't do it for the DC (only heart shaped toast and no food touching etc. No SN just general childish demands) so I will not indulge my husbands foibles. He's actually come a long way since that talk.

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