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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell his wife?

121 replies

AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 01:07

I met a man on a dating site, been chatting for a while, got on well, so we met up, he explained that he is separated from his "wife" because she cheated, but they still live in the same house due to children, child care (they work opposite shifts so someone is always there for the children), and need to sell the house in order to move, ok, not ideal but I believed him as he would constantly be messaging me and sending pics etc. Anyway, today, he requested me on FB, I accepted, and there is loads of stuff with them together, tagged in each other as recently as September, (he told me they separated in March) and refers to her as "wife" on there, I asked him about it, came up with some bollocks, still telling me they are separated , didnt believe it,I was looking through some pics he had sent me, and the one he sent me this morning he had his wedding ring on...Bastard!! so, 2 questions, He is clearly still with his wife isnt he? and secondly, Do i tell her? I think I would want to know if it were me.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 21/10/2018 09:35

I think you should walk away and forget about the whole thing. If some random woman contacted me about the state of my marriage I'd hand her her arse.

Howhot · 21/10/2018 09:36

If he's stupid enough to add you on Facebook she probably already knows

PerverseConverse · 21/10/2018 09:43

Yes, I'd dump his ass, tell the wife (send her screen shots) and also report him to the dating site so that he can't access any other women that way. Dating sites don't tolerate people misrepresenting themselves. I was dating someone who was still living with his wife under similar circumstances, kids, selling the house etc. I found out after date 3 that this was the case and it went no further. They were actually separated and she was with someone else and has since remarried but she objected to us dating due to the effects on the kids (who knew nothing about us seeing as only 3 dates Hmm). I reported him to the dating site as he wasn't being honest about his situation and they banned him.

I was cheated on by my husband and wish someone had told me.

likeridingabike · 21/10/2018 10:03

I saw a profile recently, the man described exactly those circumstances, I scrolled on past. It could be true, I know lots of couples who've been forced to continue living together for various reasons, but there's no way I would date someone in those circumstances. I'm not sure I'd even date someone separated with a divorce pending.

formerbabe · 21/10/2018 10:17

It just seems so disingenuous to me to pretend that you care so much about some random woman you've never met before.

ReadMyLipss · 21/10/2018 10:19

It makes absolutely no sense for a man who is genuinely cheating on his wife to invite the other woman to be his friend on Facebook. It's just not credible, unless he's a bit thick. What would be the point?.

I don't get it either. Nobody is that stupid. Why leave himself open by providing you with a way to potentially contacting his wife, unless he's telling the truth and he doesn't have anything to hide?

Original poster
AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 10:54

Hi all, thank you all for replies, I still don't bloody know what to do. The reason he was wearing the ring.....His work don't know they've separated and when he takes it off his finger itches (through guilt probably). So...there's my answer. Not that I hadn't already made my mind up, but this just proves it that bit more.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 21/10/2018 10:58

Well if you believe that, you'll believe anything Hmm

Ellisandra · 21/10/2018 11:04

Ah, I have that in my work contract too - I lose my job if I separate.
Hmm FFS!

  1. No one at work would notice
  2. If they did, they wouldn’t really care
  3. If they did, they’d only know what’s true

I’ve just had a little think - of all my male colleagues, who am I certain that I know where’s a ring?
There’s only one, who has a very big and distinctive Celtic band. Come to think of it, he’s long term cohabiting not married, and I couldn’t swear to which fingers it’s on.

That is a pretty fucking useless excuse!!!

speakout · 21/10/2018 11:06

AllIneedisWineandChocolate

You are dating a man who lives with his wife and is wearing a wedding ring.

Are you seriously so gullible?

I would get an STI check.

Doghorsechicken · 21/10/2018 11:12

I would definitely tell her, I’d want to know in her shoes

Original poster
AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 11:12

@Speakout He obviously never wore the ring when we met up, Im really not that thick-or evil, if he had it on the first minute we met up, it wouldnt have lasted a second minute, and I also didnt know they were living together till a few weeks in, My best friend had to live with her ex for 12 months while the house sale went through so it is plausible.

@Ellisandra Te best of it is, he works alone apart from when he gets to his drop off points.

Why do men think they can get with shit like this.

I am going to tell his wife, but not yet because I am angry and I will say it wrongly, poor woman

OP posts:
Original poster
AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 11:13

@Speakout Just for the record, Im not dating him, I told him to fuck off

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 21/10/2018 11:22

Are you happy in yourself? I can’t even think how a woman who is confident and happy would have fallen for his excuse in the first place. You don’t need a man, no woman does; there’s no shame at all in waiting for someone who feels right.

Sugarformyhoney · 21/10/2018 11:35

So stupid to friend request you.. what a douche

BlueJava · 21/10/2018 11:48

Walk away with your dignity. He's not worth spending time on and why have a load of drama when he'll be trying to convince her the opposite of what you're saying.

Ellisandra · 21/10/2018 11:54

Cherries101 that’s really unfair!
It’s a fact that many people when they break up, continue living together for a period of time for financial or other reasons.

It is believable. Of course, it’s not a bad idea to decide that you won’t date anyone not still living together just in case - and because it is more complicated.

But OP is not stupid for thinking it could be true. I lived with my STBXH for 4 months after split. If that seems soon to be dating - it didn’t feel like it, it had been over a long time! I didn’t want to rent and waste money and cause disruption to my child, so we lived in the same house until my house purchase was completed. I actually did date in that time - was asked out by a friend of a friend, so he was aware via the mutual friend that the domestic situation was totally legit. I don’t think OP was wrong to believe it.

ScottCheggJnr · 21/10/2018 11:55

They were actually separated and she was with someone else and has since remarried but she objected to us dating due to the effects on the kids (who knew nothing about us seeing as only 3 dates).

I don't understand this comment. So she had moved on to dating but wouldn't let her husband do the same? Sounds a bit of a double standard and harsh to report the poor guy.

Cranky17 · 21/10/2018 12:04

I lived with my ex for a year because of financial commitments, happens all the time

ScottCheggJnr · 21/10/2018 12:10

But surely once separated you no longer have a say in their dating choices so long as they're not having random people over to the house every night, for example.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2018 15:01

Well, I suppose in this situation, the OP could have messaged the wife and said "Just want to confirm that you and XXX are indeed separated but still in the same house for financial reasons, as he has told me. He has been messaging me on to meet up". Same message, different words.

Lethaldrizzle · 21/10/2018 15:05

Even if he was 'separated', I would not want to date a man who had so recently split up from a partner with whom he had kids.

huttub · 21/10/2018 15:12

I would want to know yes. My husband was on a dating site and my single friend joined, found him and had the awful job of telling me but I'm always glad she did.

greendale17 · 21/10/2018 15:17

I would tell her no question about it. She deserves to know the truth

Tomatoesrock · 21/10/2018 18:41

I personally would definitely want to be told, though if I was in your situation I probably wouldn't.

Purely to avoid the drama, if it was a friends partner I stumbled on I would. It is strange he added you as a friend. They could be separated.

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