Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell his wife?

121 replies

AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 01:07

I met a man on a dating site, been chatting for a while, got on well, so we met up, he explained that he is separated from his "wife" because she cheated, but they still live in the same house due to children, child care (they work opposite shifts so someone is always there for the children), and need to sell the house in order to move, ok, not ideal but I believed him as he would constantly be messaging me and sending pics etc. Anyway, today, he requested me on FB, I accepted, and there is loads of stuff with them together, tagged in each other as recently as September, (he told me they separated in March) and refers to her as "wife" on there, I asked him about it, came up with some bollocks, still telling me they are separated , didnt believe it,I was looking through some pics he had sent me, and the one he sent me this morning he had his wedding ring on...Bastard!! so, 2 questions, He is clearly still with his wife isnt he? and secondly, Do i tell her? I think I would want to know if it were me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 01:48

@CallMeRache No, he was supposed to be staying over this evening, but the wife had a last minute hen do to attend so couldn't come. He cancelled after fb request, but I hadnt had a chance to look through his profile, obviously i didnt believe the last minute plans, which is also why I scrutinised his FB lol

OP posts:
stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 01:57

Another one who wishes someone had the courage to tell me. The humiliation of knowing/thinking others were aware of what’s was going on while you were oblivious is one of the worst things when you are in his wife’s position.

Original poster
AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 02:00

I just cant wrap my head around it, I get people cheat, but why go on dating sites to actively look for someone? How do they think they will get away with it? His poor wife, she seems so happy on FB

OP posts:
GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 02:06

they get away with it because women fall for their lies...

Gingerrogered · 21/10/2018 02:09

I would leave it for the time being to let things cool down. Then when it’s been long enough for him not to immediately suspect you, send him a link to his dating profile.

You need to think about keeping yourself safe, he knows where you live. It’s also pretty much guaranteed he’s going to tell his wife he’s done nothing and you’re a nutter so you could also end up with an angry wife banging on your door looking for a fight.

It’s also possible that she knows and doesn’t mind.

Original poster
AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 02:14

@Gingerrogered Everything you have said is exactly why im questioning doing it, But, you might be wrong and she has no idea.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 02:21

I'd bloody tell her.

Original poster
AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 02:31

I think the Yays outweigh the Nays, So the question is how? I cant just go straight in with...Hey, did you know your husband is a cheating knobhead.

OP posts:
ScottCheggJnr · 21/10/2018 02:52

You can be pretty honest about the situation though surely? Although appreciate it's not easy.

Just a thought, what if he is telling the truth? You may have then blown your relationship with him (although I do think his story is a bit too improbable tbh).

Jenasaurus · 21/10/2018 03:06

if its all above board and hes added you on FB maybe send him a cute message on his FB wall, he will delete it if he is still married

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2018 03:21

Screen shot any incriminating messages you've gotten from him. Include a very short 'impersonal' message "Thought you should know your husband is on . I would want to know if it were me. He has been messaging me and sending pics, but nothing physical has happened. Sorry to be the one to tell you and I wish you only the best" or along that line. No 'cheating bastard' or 'what a prick', no 'hope you dump this loser'. Just the facts and let her take it from there.

I would certainly want to know!

penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 03:21

Screenshots to her FB messenger would do it.

KC225 · 21/10/2018 05:52

I would want to know. Even if I did make a choice to stay with him at least I can make the decision based on knowing where his head (and loins) are at.

civicxx · 21/10/2018 06:24

100% you need to tell her I can't believe people have suggested not doing. I understand it could collapse their marriage, but for her DH to be on a dating site & actively meeting up with people is not ok in the slightest & I would 100% want to know.

Yearssss ago I met someone & he span me so much shit every time he cancelled, he said he was a single dad blah blah, his ex was a druggie, not allowed to see their child. We did go out a lot but one day he cancelled on me because his daughter had blood poisoning & was in hospital, he even went as far as to send a text to me 'by accident' that was 'actually' meant for his ex about said daughter being in hospital, something wasn't sitting well with me & I dug, and I mean dug like a nutter with a shovel .

Long story short, daughter was not in hospital. He was not a single dad, he was engaged living as a family of 3 & trying for another baby. I told his fiancé everything, I couldn't ignore a man that could lie about his daughter being that poorly in hospital & making out fiancé was a raging drug lunatic, what a horrible person. Anyway, after I sent her a few screen shots etc she didn't message me back again.. for 3 years.

3 years later she messaged me saying thankyou, she had left him, took her daughter, and was now pregnant to new fiancé & absolutely gorgeously happy

bubbles108 · 21/10/2018 06:30

I'd send her the link to his OLD profile and then, once read, I'd block them both

Juells · 21/10/2018 06:31

He's not too swift, is he? Friending you on FB, sending you photos of himself wearing a wedding ring... Grin

If you really like him, I guess you could check with his wife if they really are separated. It's what he says, and he just may be telling the truth.

CallMeRachel · 21/10/2018 06:40

It sounds as if he wanted you to know he is still married not separated.

Takes the pressure off him I guess.

I'm afraid that if nothing physical has been happening between you and this man, the wife will let it go tbh. If she was to be sent a link to his dating profile he will more than likely say it's a set up/fake/entrapment whatever.

I think on balance, you've dodged a bullet and should close the book and walk away relatively unscathed. Unfortunately he's not the only one up to no good, there's plenty out there doing the exact same.

St least you'll be more on the ball with the next man who makes claims about being single yet wife still on the scene.

mamatomjl · 21/10/2018 06:46

Why don't you ask her ? Message her just say you've been having a relationship with her husband and want to check they are actually separated after seeing his fb ?

Juells · 21/10/2018 06:53

It's just possible that the situation is as he's described, he's still friendly with the ex-w, and so he feels comfortable making you a friend on FB. It all depends on how much you like him. As he's given you an in, it would be OK to ask again about the set-up, or ask her. If you're not that keen, give it a swerve.

moonkin · 21/10/2018 06:54

I'd want to know if I were her too.

Busyworkingbee · 21/10/2018 06:59

I would absolutely want to know.

OliviaStabler · 21/10/2018 06:59

I'd only tell her if you still have the messages that you can screenshot explicitly stating he is separated etc and the link to his dating profile.

I'd want to know. Can't understand a woman who wouldn't want to know.

apostropheuse · 21/10/2018 07:03

It makes absolutely no sense for a man who is genuinely cheating on his wife to invite the other woman to be his friend on Facebook. It's just not credible, unless he's a bit thick. What would be the point?.

He's either telling you the truth and they're only together for practical reasons, or his wife knows all about you and doesn't care. You may even be part of some kind of shared sexual thing they have going on.

speakout · 21/10/2018 07:05

You have been foolish in believing that a man living with his wife in their family home are separated.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/10/2018 07:11

I think I’d say something like “I’m not sure how you see it, but Dave tells me XYZ about your relationship. I met him on OLD in X month and we’ve been out but I’m not taking it any further.”