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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell his wife?

121 replies

AllIneedisWineandChocolate · 21/10/2018 01:07

I met a man on a dating site, been chatting for a while, got on well, so we met up, he explained that he is separated from his "wife" because she cheated, but they still live in the same house due to children, child care (they work opposite shifts so someone is always there for the children), and need to sell the house in order to move, ok, not ideal but I believed him as he would constantly be messaging me and sending pics etc. Anyway, today, he requested me on FB, I accepted, and there is loads of stuff with them together, tagged in each other as recently as September, (he told me they separated in March) and refers to her as "wife" on there, I asked him about it, came up with some bollocks, still telling me they are separated , didnt believe it,I was looking through some pics he had sent me, and the one he sent me this morning he had his wedding ring on...Bastard!! so, 2 questions, He is clearly still with his wife isnt he? and secondly, Do i tell her? I think I would want to know if it were me.

OP posts:
EK36 · 21/10/2018 07:34

I'd leave it and block him. Sounds like a mess. You can do better.

stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 08:10

I think the bottom line for you now has to be......
What would you want if you were in his wife’s position?? There’s your answer, and I bet I can guess what it is!

speakout · 21/10/2018 08:14

OP you dated a man who was married and living with his wife and children.

Do you expect sympathy?

Howdoyoudoit31 · 21/10/2018 08:27

Tell her. I’d want to know.

I’d say something along the lines of what TestingTestingWonTooFree has written.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 21/10/2018 08:28

@speakout - he told her he was separated. So why wouldn’t you give any sympathy.. just because he still has to live with her doing opposite shifts for so say childcare doesn’t mean he couldn’t date again.

LuckyAmy1986 · 21/10/2018 08:30

I would want to know, so yes I would tell her.

AlphaBravo · 21/10/2018 08:34

Erm... @speakout when me and my husband separated we lived in the same home.

Also OP he could be separated. She could be the one that wants to split up but he' hedging his bets and trying to save his marriage and be the family man, but also dipping his toe in the water to see what else is out there too.

Why does MN always think separations have to be instant or clean breaks. They are generally slow and messy and can take months if the parties involved aren't financially able to do that.

speakout · 21/10/2018 08:36

Erm... @speakout when me and my husband separated we lived in the same home.

Fine.

But if your ex tried to date me in those circumstances I would run for the hills.

Who wants to date a man that lives with his wife?

Cronesquerness · 21/10/2018 08:39

Tell her. She needs to know what sort of a person she is married to, what happens then is up to her, oh and tell the bloke to fuck right off.

Cronesquerness · 21/10/2018 08:40

Dating sites I've used ban people who are married but pretending not to be.

ivykaty44 · 21/10/2018 08:41

Facebook may or may not be a blatant decoy, so brazen it has to be true

I’d email the wife and explain that you met online and understand that they separated in March - but live at present together. Hope she enjoyed her hen party last night but you just want to check she is ok with you dating her ex whilst they are still living in the same house - you are concerned not to upset his family in anyway, have no intention of meeting the children.

See what happens....

Flowerpot2005 · 21/10/2018 08:45

I'd tell her but I'd give her the evidence too x

ivykaty44 · 21/10/2018 08:47

Screen shot of his online dating profile would be proof enough he intended to get a girlfriend

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 08:57

I personally wouldn’t as I wouldn’t want to be the other woman who drops a bombshell on a family. I pile them ant his children talking for decade to come about the scorned woman who Dalit up his parents - even though I know that is so unfair and you are an innocent party. I would be very angry but leave them to it.

However, if you do feel it is morally correct to tell his wife please do it in a sensitive and mature way - this news could totally devastate her, or just confirm some long held suspicions. Either way it has massive repercussions.

He is an absolute twat who deserves everything he gets, in control see people accuse me of siding with him -I’m not. I would just be selfish and stay out of his marriage.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 08:58

Sorry so so many types - my phone is a nightmare, hopefully it was understandable.

And so sorry that happened to you

Ellisandra · 21/10/2018 09:02

I never understand why people trot out “maybe she knows anyway” on these threads. Well - in that case, no harm done telling her.

The decent thing by her, is to tell her. If you do that more in spite towards him - so be it, she still gets told which is the end game.

The only obligation that I think you do have, is to tell her factually and gently.

  • I met X on this dating site
  • here is a screenshot to show we’ve dated
  • I had no idea that he was still married
  • he told me
  • I’ve just seen which makes me believe he lied
  • I have blocked him and will have no further contact with him
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 21/10/2018 09:03

I'm a married woman and would want to know.

Not out of spite or retribution; telling her for those reasons would be deeply unkind and would make you a little unhappy, too. Tell her kindly that she deserves to know that her DH has been OLD and telling dates he's separated. Don't hang around for details, reply to messages or watch the fireworks; delete and block them both as soon as it's done and never look back.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 21/10/2018 09:04

Another one saying that it is common for a couple to continue living together after separation. It's been 7 months and counting for a dear friend who can't wait to be shot of him, but they have to sell the family home first and he won't move out. As with my friend, she may be thrilled you're taking him off her hands, but either way I think you need to contact her and check. I like ivykaty44's suggestion for wording.

speakout · 21/10/2018 09:07

Another one saying that it is common for a couple to continue living together after separation.

Maybe- but I wouldn't date a guy that lives with his wife.

I have a friend that lives with her "ex" husband.

They are separated- apart from the odd drunken shag.

happinessischocolate · 21/10/2018 09:11

It makes absolutely no sense for a man who is genuinely cheating on his wife to invite the other woman to be his friend on Facebook. It's just not credible, unless he's a bit thick. What would be the point?.

To see if the "girlfriend" will overlook all the blatant married stuff. Some woman will and it saves him telling the gf face to face.

Lovemusic33 · 21/10/2018 09:17

I have been in your situation. All I can say is ‘run and don’t look back’.

It’s not worth the hassle, even if he isn’t still with her they still live together. I would never date someone who hasn’t got their shit together, someone that’s recently split from their wife or someone still living with their wife (even if it is for the kids).

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 09:19

As I said, if OP wants to tell the wife she should. I am just saying from a self preservation perspective I wouldn’t put myself in the middle of someone else’s marriage breakdown. I have seen it happen and the other woman, no matter how innocent, rarely comes out of it looking well.

But, having been though a lot of very stressful crap lately, I have learned (with he help of a great counsellor) to put my needs above others (well over randoms, not my lovely family who will always come first). You may all be a lot stronger than me!

Oswaldspengler · 21/10/2018 09:21

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HannahnotAgnes · 21/10/2018 09:26

I'm married & I'd want to know. You wouldn't be the one breaking up the marriage at all, that responsibility sits with the cheating liar & no one else.

formerbabe · 21/10/2018 09:29

Block, delete, forget

Not your shit storm